Successful surgery and quick recovery vibes for erika's mom.

Tep, you've gotten great advice. And I've found that each case renegotiates the boundaries somewhat, though they get firmer as you get used to maintaining them.

Steph, would it help to remember that boundaries are limits you put on your own behavior?

Yeah, but -- oh, the guilt! My Dad calls me every. single. day. Sometimes twice. I have nothing new to tell him, and he has nothing new to tell me; his default introductory phone phrase is "I just wanted to see what was going on."

I know that he's lonely. He doesn't have to be, but he is. I am not the outlet for his loneliness. I am not a substitute spouse, which is what it feels like most of the time, and let me tell you, if it *sounds* creepy (and it should), just try and imagine what it *feels* like.

So what do I do? Say "Dad! Stop calling me every single day!!!"?

If I don't answer the phone (thank you, Caller ID!), he just calls back. And calls back. And calls back. But never leaves a message or calls my cell phone, which is what I would expect him to do in an emergency. And then when I finally *do* answer the phone, he immediately asks me, "Where were you?"

I know he's lonely, and he's probably looking for security. But creeping kudzu-like into all aspects of my life is not the way to get security. Or, even if it is, where is the dividing line between Dutiful Daughter and Appendage of Parent?

And that's where the guilt comes in. Because how do you tell your aging, single, heart-disease-riddled parent to BACK THE HELL OFF?

I hate it. And -- I'm serious -- most days I wish I were still just fucked up and not even aware that I was lacking boundaries.

You can't MAKE them feel anything.

I'm pretty sure I can take responsibility for having made people feel certain ways -- there are things I shouldn't have done, and things I'm pretty glad I did, because of what they elicited.

I mean -- I don't think it's fair to say I'd choose the emotion I'd feel in response to a) getting a black belt b) losing my family c) being fired. Dealing with those emotions is something under my control, but that's different.

It's a balancing game, to take care of how you deal with people and how you deal with yourself. Steph, you're doing something hard, very hard. And it'll take practice. But strength and intention are important, and you have both.

But strength and intention are important, and you have both.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Not mutually exclusive options. Possibly synergistic.

Can I just kick people in the head? It would be SO much easier and faster than actual mental health.

Not mutually exclusive options. Possibly synergistic.

Sweet!

Kick Your Way To Mental Health! would sell a million copies. I think ita should write it and buy us an island.

Can you start turning your phone off? During my mom's chemo, we talked every day and I am now gradually tapering it off to every other day. She is alone, too, which makes it harder. I just don't call her back until the next day and then make a vague excuse, "I was working until late and didn't have time to call." or "I saw you called last night but I was busy." I then *quickly* (to cut off questioning) and cheerfully ask questions about what she has been doing and get her talking. If I do get asked what I was doing, I might say I was reading or watching TV or something like that. At the end of the call I say, "Well, I'll talk to you on Wednesday."

Can I just kick people in the head?

I've got a list of potential targets if you need 'em.

I am not a substitute spouse, which is what it feels like most of the time, and let me tell you, if it *sounds* creepy (and it should), just try and imagine what it *feels* like.

Ugh, Tep. BTDT, got the T-shirt. It is hard saying "no" to a parent, particularly in that situation. It took me a while to break my father of the habit of expecting me to cook every evening when I was living at home. I got in the habit of not fixing anything and then about 7:30ish he'd ask me what I was making for dinner. "Nothing. Maybe heat myself some left overs." He finally got into at least fixing himself leftovers if I wasn't cooking. Once he got past the expecting me to cook every night, I actually started doing it a little more frequently. It's not that I minded cooking, per se, but that he expected me to fall right into the "wife" role because I was a female. He never expected the same thing of my brother, even though he's been living with Dad (and Mom when she was alive) all his life and he's a very good cook.

So, yeah, it takes a while if you're not willing to come right out and state your needs. I used to have a hard time doing that with my father and that's why in that instance I had to do it by example. Nowadays, I just tell him what bugs. In some ways, not having Mom around helped my father and me get closer because we didn't have an intermediary anymore.