"Why don't you just hire a cook?"
Don't even say this. Just change the subject completely:
"Why don't you get married now, so your wife can make you fresh meals?"
"Yes, I have gotten some interesting responses to my resume, and two possible employers are looking at my writing samples right now!"
"But why don't you get married?"
"I haven't had time to watch much TV lately, so I haven't seen the news in a while, sorry."
"But what about you getting married?"
"Mom, I love you and I am sharing as much of what's going on in my life with you as I can. But I've told you I'm not comfortable talking about getting married anytime in the near future. I can't stop you from bringing it up, other than to ask you as a mom who loves her son to please do this to make him happy, but if you do bring it up I won't answer you. I will tell you when I'm ready to talk about it. Until then, I will ALWAYS change the subject."
And keep it up, ad infinitem. Talk about the weather, the last comic book you read, something cute your little sister said, a funny squirrel you saw trying to carry a sock up a tree the other day,
anything.
You can't keep her from asking, but you can't respond without getting another response from her, and that's what makes you crazy and wounded and hurt and angry. So just don't.
I'll give that a try, JZ, thanks. The problem is getting her to recognize that I'm not going to engage without having to directly respond to a query about why not, because at that point, I am likely to lose all ability to form coherent words, and neither of us will say anything for about thirty seconds, and then she'll hang up on me.
You know, the problem is that she doesn't fucking care what I don't want to hear. Because every time she does this, she prefaces it with an "I know you'll just say, 'Unnngh'" or "I know you don't want to hear this, but." I can't escape it. At least the Ph.D. thing. The marriage thing she's just been slipping in every fucking chance she gets like it's some sort of funny joke.
That's why it helps to have a script. Keep it by the phone, even (as long as you don't have one of those scary Tom Scola video-stream computer phones), so you don't have to worry about what you're going to say. Just read it.
Jot down a list of disengaging/redirecting topics, even, so if you get numb and tongue-tangled you can just glance at the list and tell her what you had for lunch yesterday or what recruiter just emailed you or what a pretty sunset you had last night, you wish she could have seen it. Anything loving and filial and not related to marriage at all.
And it sucks, it sucks to do it. Bleah. I spent so many years being frozen and frustrated and tearful with my dad (over different hot buttons and sore spots, but the same stuck misery), and I can say from grim experience that a script helps.
Also, remember that your invisible internet friends are hugging you and cheering you on all the time.
eta in response to your eta: Ugh, that joke thing is gut-curdling. I've never had the nerve to do this, but what my mom did, exactly once, with her own mother, was say pleasantly, "Mom, I love and respect you and do my best to honor you, and I know you love me but right now I feel like if you can say that, even as a joke, you don't respect or honor me. I love you, but I'm hanging up, and we can talk again some other time about
something else.
Bye." And then she quietly hung up, and curled up in a ball in the corner and cried because she was certain she'd just stabbed her mother in the heart and killed her dead.
But her mom survived, and lived to apologize, and never touched that particular hot button again.
YMomMV, unfortunately.
There are reasons, y'all, why I watch Homicide after family occasions. And laugh and laugh at the old lady screaming "Die, you bastard, die!" as she pushes the old man down the stairs.
Even by Bjork standards, this is an astonishign outfit.
[link]
How exciting, Cashmere! Yay for anniversaries! Yay for babies! Yay for heartbeats!
So, I managed to balance my checkbook. I even had enough money left over to pay bills. Now, if only the insurance thing goes properly so I can make it through next month.
YAY vw! You wanna come balance mine? Of course it'll be a long commute but it's beautiful here right now! I will warn you, I haven't balanced the checkbook in 3 months (!!)
I never do it.
Not enough is not enough.
I actually don't mind balancing. Usually I do it every week or so. But, when I start getting really, really tight and discouraged, I let it go. It's a bad, old habit. This time it turned out much better than it could have.
