Which is precisely why it's so sad and why we're all wishing someone would whisper to her and remind her that she's lost sight of her priorities.

I wish I could be the one who could do it, but I've spent all my, "You're doing WHAT???" cards on the string quartet and where she chose to register.

OKay, I've never been to an actual bridal shower or had one myself, so maybe I don't know anything, but it seems to me that "I'm sorry, I can't make it" is an acceptable response to any invitation. I'm sure we'd all love to do a lot of things for our friends that we can't, it's a tough thing, but it happens. And we shouldn't make oursleves feel worse about it by thinking about what they have done for us when they could. It's not a balance sheet that has to come out even.

(eta: What I came here to say is, I'm washing a load of laundry in my very own living room right now AIFG! And quiet! Whee!)

Sometimes people forget what it's like not to have, Aimee. I hate it because I'm everyone's Broke Friend.

But they ARE broke!! That's what kills me about this. He's still in law school and she doesn't have enough hours to be a certified therapist yet!

Aimee, I know she's your best friend and you love her, but that is CRAZY. Weren't you just crying with relief earlier because you were approved for a loan so that you could buy GROCERIES?

Honestly, just -- no. You are not obligated to put yourselves further into debt and add more financial stress just because she's been very generous towards Em. Friendship is not a keeping-score relationship. (And I know you said she just wants you there, has offered to pay for the spa treatments, etc., so it seems to me that she gets the whole not-keeping-score thing.)

You're in the wedding. Joe is in the wedding. You're going to a shower in Michigan, which is a haul (unless the wedding is there, too, in which case -- do you have to go twice? I know it's home to you, but plane tickets ain't cheap -- I'm mostly just tallying things up here). You have to buy a shower gift, and a wedding gift, the dress, the shoes, get your hair done, get your nails done, etc., etc., etc.

I just think you shouldn't add one more financial stress when you can avoid it. That's all.

Are you certain someone isn't treating everyone (or the broke people)? I'm having trouble making it make sense in my head.

Can you go and not get a treatment, just sit around chatting with the people waiting for their facials and whatever? Because I've been told that that's what I should do in similar situations. Though I haven't, to be honest.

Oh, and so far as souveniers went...

I bought a patch in each place I went (and still do) and sewed them to my backpack. My thought is "old steamer trunk" my one friend ribs me "Winnebago" -- but on those rare occasions I do check the thing it's instantly visible.

Pick some little thing for you. If I had the money I'd have gotten hats from many lands and mailed them home. Oil of Olay has ten different names. A friend of mine buys toothpaste in every country keeps them in a basket in his bathroom. On another trip I got things that I needed for my apartment but got them in Peru. If you pick a thing and look for that you'll be less tempted by "everything."

As far as gifts, Nilly taught me the BEST policy ever-- magnets, bookmarks, keychains. (I think those were the three -- keychains might be wrong) They're little, they'll be appreciated, they'll be used. If you have a kid that loves some candy or something, get it with the French or Italian label. They'll get a kick out of it. From Peru I brought my Mother a small stone from Macchu Piccu and photographed it there with the ruins in the background. She's nuts about it and it cost me a cheap frame.

All I've got is shoulda-haves, Aimee, I'm sorry. The matron of honor shoulda checked with the bridesmaids. You shouldn't be expected to attend two bridal showers, especially when this wedding requires flying to another state. Finally, they shoulda kept in mind that you're the mother of a very small but bottomless money pit (who's the cutest thing ever and will grow up to RULE THE WORLD WITH HER IRON CUTENESS but still).

None of this helps you now. Um... You could get hands and feet paraffined for $20! Also, you could go ahead and talk to the matron about how you're just afraid you can't afford it and see what happens. I don't imagine the bride wants you to be coughing up more money than you can afford for her.

But they ARE broke!! That's what kills me about this. He's still in law school and she doesn't have enough hours to be a certified therapist yet!

My best friend from law school graduated 100K in debt, and his wife to be was planning an elaborate 50K wedding, about 30K of which was going on credit cards. I took him aside and pointed out that the important thing was to be married, right? And his parents had the most beautiful back yard... He told me that his wife to be had been looking forward to this kind of wedding for years and he couldn't do that to her. 10+ years later, they still haven't paid it off. She's a nice person, but I hate her a little for that.

A story which in no way helps you, Aimée. I understand why you think you're stuck, and it has got to be frustrating, especially when you're working so hard to get your finances under control. Maybe after the wedding you can take her aside and tell her as much as you like The Stuff for Em, and that she is wonderfully generous, Em doesn't know who is giving presents and who isn't so you'd like her to stop spending money she doesn't have and just come over without gifts and so Em will know what a great person she has as a godmother. Break the cycle!

Are you certain someone isn't treating everyone (or the broke people)? I'm having trouble making it make sense in my head.

Positive. She told me in the email I got from her.

Weren't you just crying with relief earlier because you were approved for a loan so that you could buy GROCERIES?

Yeah, I was. Dammit.

He told me that his wife to be had been looking forward to this kind of wedding for years and he couldn't do that to her. 10+ years later, they still haven't paid it off.

Yep. Her parents are footing some of it, her birth parents are footing some of it, and they are footing a large portion of it. It's all very chi chi.