Go forth and read tafkar's Daniel/Vala fic, for, lo, it contains not a single sexual body part and yet it will make you break into a cold sweat.

[link]

Seriously. So much more porny than most porn.

I've been digging through a Harry Potter slash archive, and I am utterly boggled at the amount of Harry/Snape out there. The romantic Harry/Snape. No, I didn't read more than the summaries.

The archive even has a standard label for Out Of Character-ness. Oh, as usual, dear.

The archive even has a standard label for Out Of Character-ness.

Wouldn't it be nice if they all did? Of course, it's essentially a self-identification process, and thus flawed.

The archive even has a standard label for Out Of Character-ness.

Wouldn't it be nice if they all did?

Oh, goodness, yes. I posted the following list of truly useful fic warnings in my LJ a while back.

• No spell-check was used.

• No beta-reader was used.

• Beta-reader is the author's bestest friend in the whole world.

• Author cannot tolerate constructive criticism.

• Smutfic written by 13-year-old who has learned everything she knows about sex from other fics.

• Main characters display the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. So does the 25-year-old author.

• Laughably bizarre euphemisms used for genitalia.

• You will need brain bleach.

• Author has jettisoned accurate characterization in order to portray her least favorite character as a screaming harpy.

• This story is exactly like every other story this author has written.

• Pairings in this fic are based solely on teh hotness, and not on anything ever seen in canon.

• One half of the m/m pairing behaves like a weepy little girl throughout the fic.

• Against all probability, everyone in this fic is gay. Everyone.

• This fic is nothing but 10 paragraphs of the lead character whinging about how miserable his/her life is.

• Everyone is happily paired off with another character by the end of the fic. Everyone.

• The author is sticking to canon, except for those pesky bits that get in the way of her favorite pairing.

• Hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/hurt/comfort: The author's favorite character is subjected to a level of suffering that would give Job a lovely feeling of schadenfreude if he saw it. Then, hot sex, usually in a hospital bed.

• Even though the two male characters being paired up are in the military, police force, etc., everyone knows about their relationship and is very, very happy for them. Everyone.

• Fic was written 20 minutes after the episode was aired and is virtually identical to every other fic written 20 minutes after the episode was aired.

• Against all probability, everyone in this fic is gay. Everyone.

Ah, my number one gripe about certain kinds of slashfic, being set in the Mirror Ball Universe. Here's a hint, unless your fic exclusively pairs Armistead Maupin characters, some of them should still be heterosexual as per canon.

Armistad Maupin characters

Hey, wasn't Benton Fraser straight?

t /rampant media confusion

Whoops. Spellcheck, which should be my friend, is a seldom-contacted aquaintance.

Nikita however rationalized that Michael was indeed yummy and that her father wanted her to make babies with the man and she was a good daughter almost always listening to her father’s wishes.

Right. I think that's in the Ten Commandments somewhere. "Honor thy father and mother when they tell you to make babies with a near-stranger."

She stirred and another flood of warmth covered the parts of her body she rarely used for pleasure, and again reasoned that she should have listened to Cosmo and learned how to masturbate to her heart’s content.

I model all of my life decisions on what Cosmo tells me.

He recognized the pleasure that comes with controlling ones climax and she felt a release overtake her that would certainly sanction the debauchery to come. She was enjoying the sensations, his mouth, her fingers, his strong persona making her tingle and she gave herself permission to forget the anger and take pleasure from this gorgeous man.

His...persona made her tingle?

His legendary penis ready to do battle, hard and perfect and mesmerizing the blonde who could see it bobbing underwater to the rhythm of the air-jets. She was now facing him, her legs wrapped around his waist and she could next feel the fabled staff resting impatiently in the crack of her ass.

The legendary fabled staff! Famed in song and story!

Nikita started to touch Michael’s ‘hoo-ha’ and he stopped her since he didn’t want to think of his own pleasure until she experienced her own.

No comment.

Michael was giving her head, blowing her or eating her who cared what the vernacular was; all she knew was that it felt soooooo gooooooood and that she was glad it was this handsome man making her feel so actualized.

And then, after that, they accidentally had anal sex. I am not making this up.

Do the writers talk like this in real life? It would go a long way to explain their unfamiliarity with how sex actually works, what with any potential partners fleeing at first opportunity upon hearing them speak...