OK, just discovered this: [link]
It's Doctor Who, 9th Doctor, but nonspoilery, and such a good send-up of all the usual fanfic scenarios for manipulating characters into bed without actually doing the work of getting them from vague UST to shagging like bunnies via character developement that I think it'd be funny even if you're totally unfamiliar with the show.
“Right. So why d’you want to shag this time?”
“Well, I have a very conflicted soul, you know, Rose. Gallifrey go boom, and all that. And we just saved this planet. Also, we almost died earlier. Not to mention that big fight we were just having. And have you fully explored my weird alien biology yet?”
“Isn’t this mixing up a few scenarios, Doctor?”
Her hands held on to the chair as she bounced rapidly on the hard rod that slid in and out of her very wet hub.
That is one of the least sexy bits of imagery ever. It sounds like they're assembling IKEA furniture and using too much WD-40.
Reading that makes me wonder what horrible-ness she'll come up wtih next.
I keep expecting something like:
She was a carnival of emotions --- her desire strobbed through her like a ferris wheel. Her mind dizzy like too many trips on the tiltawhirl as he slid his joy rod into her happy fun spot.
Oh, I sense a competition looming. The worst bad-Nikita-writer-like similie/metaphor you can come up with.
She thrummed like a subwoofer and begged him to strip her speaker wires. He pulled out his multi-purpose tool and lubricated it, proving who was her handyman.
Their desire pierced her like a sandsupr, sharp but relief when he kissed her, hot like sand. She cried out, her voice like an eagle. Her wetness oozed around him as he murrmered, "My sweet mermaid" and a tsumani of passion crested over her.
That Doctor/Rose thing is very Bwah!
His molten gaze set off a bomb in her womb. His massive tool split her over and over, shaking her to her atomic core. They imploded as one being in a great mushroom cloud of desire.
