My family goes to rehab, but never prison. We're model citizens who also happen to be drunks.

Oh, we're not model citizens. We're just never found guilty by courts of our peers. Or even caught by the cops, mostly.

God, my family suddenly seems so boring.

My family has generally stuck to rehab and juvenile deliquency.

my family is in TX.

I wonder which thread I put the story of Hubby's former boss listening to the police scanner and listening to the sheriff saying, "All units, converge on Denzel's house," Denzel being boss' brother.

connie, I think it was Bitches.

Off to search!

They make Bitch scanners?

They make Bitch scanners?

Not only do they make them, I be one.

The following is a true story. Names have not been changed because it's just too weird. Everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty or too stupid to be allowed out loose.

I've spoken of Denzel before. Not a bright boy, has a prison record but mostly from being clueless rather than mean. He's the one with his name tattooed on his belly so he can ID himself when he's too drunk to remember his name.

In the middle of a bright, sunny Saturday afternoon, he and some of his like minded buddies are having a barbecue in the front yard. Bothering no one, grilling some steaks, drinking some beer. Two cars pull up, and out come several vegans who begin harrassing them for eating meat. Heber is a very small town in the middle of farm and ranch country. The vegans are local boys and are very assertive.

Shouting ensues. One of Denzel's buddies picks up a baseball bat by the thick end and flings it in the vegans' general direction. Vegans grab the bat and some pipe from a plumbing project at the house. One of Denzel's buddies pegs one of the vegans with an unopened beer bottle. Denzel comes out of the house with a .45 automatic pistol in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

The pistol gets knocked out of his hand and is taken by a vegan. Denzel fires the shotgun, missing anything important. The vegan returns fire, with equal "success."

The cops have been called. The neighbor is on the phone with the chief of police giving a play-by-play. Jim, Denzel's brother and Hubby's former boss and the only member of his immediate family never to have been in prison, has a police scanner at his home and is listening to the calls going out about a brawl with gunfire. Local cops, state police, Highway Patrol, and a SWAT team from Salt Lake have been called.

Chief of Police: "Wait, is this one of the Brown homes?" Source: "Yeah!" Chief: "Is this Denzel's house?" Source: ""Yeah!" Chief: "All units, converge on Denzel's house."

No address is given. All the units know where Denzel's house is. I'm assuming they had to tell the out-of-towners. Jim heads over himself.

When the Vegans hear the sirens, they break for their cars and drive off. Some of the units blockade the road, and the vegans U-turn and head the other way. The person who still had the .45 pistol throws it out the window at the cops. As Hubby says, "We're not going to need CSI for this one." The vegans are finally nabbed.

Back at Denzel's house, the riot squad has arrived. Denzel has locked himself in his house. His buddies all have their hands up and are looking resigned. The Chief of Police knocks on the door.

"Denzel, come out of there, and bring the shotgun!" "What shotgun!" "The shotgun that put all these holes in the side of the house and dropped shotgun shells all over the place!" "I want a lawyer before I come out!" "Denzel, your steak's burning and I don't think it's your fault! Get out here!"

Denzel comes out, the vegans are dragged back to the scene. The Chief can tell it wasn't Denzel & Co.'s fault, because most people don't set up the grill and start cooking before starting major fights with people who flee the scene. The city prosecutor, who also has a scanner, heads down to the house, and not long after, the judge shows up too. Everyone was going to end up in front of him anyway, so he might as well go to them. Besides, it would be a shame to burn the steaks. Denzel cooks one up for the judge.