But if the negative always won, we'd be living in a smaller and smaller and smaller space that was the intersection of our two comfort zones.

I don't think the negative should always win. I think that when you get to an impasse, the negative wins. If your hubby wasn't just uncomfortable with crowds but actively phobic, you wouldn't insist. You'd go to street festivals with friends and find another place to share with him.

Give up cats already in the household for someone's allergies--shit, man, she loves you lots, doesn't she. Because "allergy to cats" is kind of in the same category as "thinks Reagan was too liberal" as insurmountable incompatabilities.

Betsy just reminded me of the other side of it. The " no way, no how, never, never, never" reaction -- should be really really rare.

Susan--hold out for the gun, though you might have to do so quietly. Unless the heavens part and angels from on high show you the One True Writing Trophy, anything else hanging on that wall will be a constant reminder of what you really wanted. A blank wall is a hopeful wall.

I have a friend who moved in with her BF and his cat despite her allergy -- and then got acupuncture which cured her. Some time later she broke the engagement and ran off to Vegas and married her best friend.

Give up cats already in the household for someone's allergies--shit, man, she loves you lots, doesn't she. Because "allergy to cats" is kind of in the same category as "thinks Reagan was too liberal" as insurmountable incompatabilities.

She does. And did make that significant sacrifice.

Though I have to say, as much as I love dogs I wouldn't hesitate to give one up to be with a human partner. That's just my particular set of priorities, but it just looks like if you value intimacy with your pets over intimacy with humans you're probably going to have more intimate relationships with your pets than with other humans. Or, I guess, you could just limit your potential humans to those who are compatible with your pets.

Give up cats already in the household for someone's allergies--shit, man, she loves you lots, doesn't she. Because "allergy to cats" is kind of in the same category as "thinks Reagan was too liberal" as insurmountable incompatabilities.

Depends on if medication helps. Well, not in the case of Reagan denial.

Andi's going to move in with me. She's bringing two cats. I'm allergic. However, I can live with one Claritin a day until I build up antibodies.

Cousin Steve? Severely allergic. He's gotta move out. So. Not. Sad.

Don't let the screen door hit you, Steve..

Before this year - I didn't really understand allergies - despite having a sister that would like to live in a plastic bubble. but with the asthma, I am amazed that my BIL ever visted my house. because cats cause him to wheeze. and that means pain. and once your body finds pain as a response - it will do it every time. hard to break your body's habits.

if you value intimacy with your pets over intimacy with humans you're probably going to have more intimate relationships with your pets than with other humans.

I value the well-being of creatures I've made a prior commitment to enough not to completely uproot their lives and evict them from a world they're happy in, and I don't value intimacy with anyone who would expect me to.

I also don't know why you expect him to be excited about the same things you are.

Well, I think being excited about some of the same things is kinda what makes for a good marriage and/or friendship. The whole, "You mean I'm not alone? You understand too?" aspect of it all.

One thing we've realized out of all this is that we'd developed a bad habit of not communicating with each other beyond a surface level. I mean, if I'd been talking about this all along, I would've known he had a problem before it'd gotten to the level where that rifle was the single thing I most coveted in the world. Or maybe he would've gradually gotten used to the idea, if I'd actually been talking about all the stuff I'd been learning. You never know--if you'd told me two years ago I'd end up wanting a gun, I never would've believed it.

The flipside of this is that I just learned today that the man I've been married to for almost six years and have known for almost eight has a serious interest in photography--as in, has taken classes in it in the past, would love to be able to exhibit and sell his work, etc. I feel like shit for not having realized. The hints were there, but I took it as enthusiasm for a new techie toy when we got our digital camera--and so displayed no sympathy and interest when he started talking about getting a newer, nicer one, because all I could do was freak out at the expense. I didn't know better. I should have, but I didn't.