I have at least one more. I think.

You're on fire today, lady. Very cool.

Me for bed.

I took liberties with the PoV character not matching the suggestion, because I didn't want it to sound like it was about me.

****

You know you don't know, and it bothers you. Leukemia perhaps, but how does one ask about that? She's always pleasant, so pleasant you don't realize you've shared more than she has by the time you part.

If you can't talk to her about cancer, how can you bring up a man with more temper than self-control? Maybe talk about clumsiness, a coltish physicality in a woman's body. Or martial arts, joke about the other guys, and how badly off they must be.

But just in case, you don't. And you never let her see you stare at her bruises.

Allyson, got it. Read right before my bus ride, mused, went and had Chinese food with my parents, mused some more, and will back fling shortly.

Thank you, Plei. Your feedback, and deb's feedback, helped me come to the conclusion that I'm writing to how I think it could be received, instead of just writing what I want to say.

If that makes sense. I didn't realize that was what was sticking. Does that happen to any of you?

Yeah, that makes sense.

And yes, back when I was still writing show analysis, I'd find myself stuck on that, because fandom is extra-flamey.

Does that happen to any of you?

Constantly. Partly for professional reasons, and partly because I'm conflict-avoidant to the extreme. I load everything down with qualifiers and then act all surprised when nobody challenges me. ::rolls eyes::

Yep, to what 'suela and Plei said. It does make sense - and on this one, the sense that you might be avoiding connecting the dots and asking yourself a few things about your own reactions to the readers' reactions is extra-likely. I really want to see what you do with it.

ita, dayum. I'm just going to sit back and watch your head explode on this one. The spatter patterns are glorious.

Thank you, Plei. Your feedback, and deb's feedback, helped me come to the conclusion that I'm writing to how I think it could be received, instead of just writing what I want to say.

If that makes sense. I didn't realize that was what was sticking. Does that happen to any of you?

Yep and yep.

Rec'd Allyson. I was out last night. I started feedback when I got in, but was tired and sick. I just finished and sent it back to you.

eta...

Maybe it would help to write the piece as if it were bound for the shit-you-didn't-say file. Let it all hang out in the first pass.

Kristen posted the following in the Minearverse thread. I'm reposting for people who might not make it over there.

For anyone who's interested, Creative Screenwriting has launched a bunch of new sites, including one that's all about working in television.

It's more like "Once I have come (my coming is now past tense) would you know me?"

There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?

Weird, but that turn of phrase says all that to me.

Not proper English?

I'm not sure it is ita, but saying what you have said in the way you have said it may be more important to you. If so, forget the rest of this.

...

If not, the line as written is: Would you know me when I came?

Like AmyLiz (who makes a living doing this, and I don't), this is ear-stuff for me, and I don't remember many of the rules. It's just that the line takes me out of the piece.

To a reader, the possible event timeline is:

c. First Century C.E Advent. ... 2006 C.E. ... Future Advent ...

You've explained the setting of the question as, "There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?" In other words, he's posing a question today, which asks the person to predict their response once some future action has been accomplished.

I don't think the Would you know me when I came? makes that clear. It leaves me thinking that either you meant to ask 2006-me how I would have reacted back in the First Century C.E. but forgot the helping verb; or that you meant to ask what you've now explained above, but don't have agreement between your verb forms.

I think I would use something along these lines:

Would you know me, were I to come?

Would you know me, if I came?

Will you know me, once I have come?

Will you know me, when I have come?

Will you know me, when I come?

If you were to change it to any of the choices beginning with "Will," then closing question, "Would you call me your saviour then?" might need a "Will" rather than "Would." If you chose a "would" option, you could leave the closing question as is.

I am pulling this out of my ass though, and the drabble is beautiful and (for me) moving, so there.

You were on fire yesterday, ita.