Thank you, Plei. Your feedback, and deb's feedback, helped me come to the conclusion that I'm writing to how I think it could be received, instead of just writing what I want to say.

If that makes sense. I didn't realize that was what was sticking. Does that happen to any of you?

Yep and yep.

Rec'd Allyson. I was out last night. I started feedback when I got in, but was tired and sick. I just finished and sent it back to you.

eta...

Maybe it would help to write the piece as if it were bound for the shit-you-didn't-say file. Let it all hang out in the first pass.

Kristen posted the following in the Minearverse thread. I'm reposting for people who might not make it over there.

For anyone who's interested, Creative Screenwriting has launched a bunch of new sites, including one that's all about working in television.

It's more like "Once I have come (my coming is now past tense) would you know me?"

There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?

Weird, but that turn of phrase says all that to me.

Not proper English?

I'm not sure it is ita, but saying what you have said in the way you have said it may be more important to you. If so, forget the rest of this.

...

If not, the line as written is: Would you know me when I came?

Like AmyLiz (who makes a living doing this, and I don't), this is ear-stuff for me, and I don't remember many of the rules. It's just that the line takes me out of the piece.

To a reader, the possible event timeline is:

c. First Century C.E Advent. ... 2006 C.E. ... Future Advent ...

You've explained the setting of the question as, "There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?" In other words, he's posing a question today, which asks the person to predict their response once some future action has been accomplished.

I don't think the Would you know me when I came? makes that clear. It leaves me thinking that either you meant to ask 2006-me how I would have reacted back in the First Century C.E. but forgot the helping verb; or that you meant to ask what you've now explained above, but don't have agreement between your verb forms.

I think I would use something along these lines:

Would you know me, were I to come?

Would you know me, if I came?

Will you know me, once I have come?

Will you know me, when I have come?

Will you know me, when I come?

If you were to change it to any of the choices beginning with "Will," then closing question, "Would you call me your saviour then?" might need a "Will" rather than "Would." If you chose a "would" option, you could leave the closing question as is.

I am pulling this out of my ass though, and the drabble is beautiful and (for me) moving, so there.

You were on fire yesterday, ita.

I was offline most of yesterday and am catching up here and elsewhere. There was some wonderful writing going on--I thought I felt a disturbance in the force.

Allyson, if you're past your sticking-place, then never mind. If you think I could help, send what you have.

Raq, yours is backflung, and I'm all needy now, "Please mu'm, I'd like some more!"

Deb, on yours in another window as I type.

Bev, excellent. Because what's going to follow what you've got is the "wait a minute...." kicking up.

As said elsewhere, I'm handling this one with care. It wants to charge out and I keep telling it whoa, chill, easy there. Using Rex Stout's superb phrase, when he had Nero Wolfe handling a pot containing the world's only black orchids, I'm acting like it's made of star bubbles and angel's breath. A lot of stuff going on in this one, not to mention seeding book five. All very intimate and close to JP's heart.

Interesting to write, BTW. Bree is all the way back in this one, and that pleases me, because in this one, the musician is very much to the fore and everything else takes a back seat.

You have email. Which I think amounts to, "More, please?"

Hee! Got it, Bev, and laughing. Yep - a lot in there.

Will do the next half today. Writing, it is our friend.

I'm curious as to what ita could do with the "recognise" topic from the POV of Little Red Riding Hood's wolf: "Stop making rude comments about my personal appearance, you little bitch! There's NOTHING WRONG with my damned TEETH!"

In the spirit of ita's fairy tale themed string of drabbles:

Clothes Make the Man

I’d been wearing the same outfit for so long, I didn’t think anyone would recognize me. All the brocade and jewels, the gold and sumptious embroidery muffled my natural glory. It was time that people could see the true loveliness of my physique through a well-structured, less cluttered looking outfit.

I found the perfect tailor. He spent ages taking measurements, cutting the cloth, pinning and tucking it just so. He worked utter magic on that suit; it was so glorious I was afraid it would outshine me, that I would still go unrecognized.

Why won’t the people look at me?

Ok, Deb, since you said that, I HAD to try my hand at it:

They always know who I am, but they lie to themselves. They want the lie, need it. They see me lurking on the dark edges of the safe path, and they wave their baskets of goodies at me, thinking "I am on the safe path," and dance up to the boundary.

I dance, too. I am a good dancer, smiling my so-bright smile, and growling till the sound ripples up their spines and makes their feet falter on the edge, teetering on danger. Shiny fairy girls, liking the edge, the moment of hanging in the balance before they skitter back to their safety -- the path, the school, the house.

But no path is ever safe. And boundaries are invisible. And I am not a man.

Sail, that's good and poignant - he has no clothes. And Erin, DAYUM! Made me happy.