Allyson, got it. Read right before my bus ride, mused, went and had Chinese food with my parents, mused some more, and will back fling shortly.

Thank you, Plei. Your feedback, and deb's feedback, helped me come to the conclusion that I'm writing to how I think it could be received, instead of just writing what I want to say.

If that makes sense. I didn't realize that was what was sticking. Does that happen to any of you?

Yeah, that makes sense.

And yes, back when I was still writing show analysis, I'd find myself stuck on that, because fandom is extra-flamey.

Does that happen to any of you?

Constantly. Partly for professional reasons, and partly because I'm conflict-avoidant to the extreme. I load everything down with qualifiers and then act all surprised when nobody challenges me. ::rolls eyes::

Yep, to what 'suela and Plei said. It does make sense - and on this one, the sense that you might be avoiding connecting the dots and asking yourself a few things about your own reactions to the readers' reactions is extra-likely. I really want to see what you do with it.

ita, dayum. I'm just going to sit back and watch your head explode on this one. The spatter patterns are glorious.

Thank you, Plei. Your feedback, and deb's feedback, helped me come to the conclusion that I'm writing to how I think it could be received, instead of just writing what I want to say.

If that makes sense. I didn't realize that was what was sticking. Does that happen to any of you?

Yep and yep.

Rec'd Allyson. I was out last night. I started feedback when I got in, but was tired and sick. I just finished and sent it back to you.

eta...

Maybe it would help to write the piece as if it were bound for the shit-you-didn't-say file. Let it all hang out in the first pass.

Kristen posted the following in the Minearverse thread. I'm reposting for people who might not make it over there.

For anyone who's interested, Creative Screenwriting has launched a bunch of new sites, including one that's all about working in television.

It's more like "Once I have come (my coming is now past tense) would you know me?"

There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?

Weird, but that turn of phrase says all that to me.

Not proper English?

I'm not sure it is ita, but saying what you have said in the way you have said it may be more important to you. If so, forget the rest of this.

...

If not, the line as written is: Would you know me when I came?

Like AmyLiz (who makes a living doing this, and I don't), this is ear-stuff for me, and I don't remember many of the rules. It's just that the line takes me out of the piece.

To a reader, the possible event timeline is:

c. First Century C.E Advent. ... 2006 C.E. ... Future Advent ...

You've explained the setting of the question as, "There's you now, then in the future I come, and then at some point past that, would you know me?" In other words, he's posing a question today, which asks the person to predict their response once some future action has been accomplished.

I don't think the Would you know me when I came? makes that clear. It leaves me thinking that either you meant to ask 2006-me how I would have reacted back in the First Century C.E. but forgot the helping verb; or that you meant to ask what you've now explained above, but don't have agreement between your verb forms.

I think I would use something along these lines:

Would you know me, were I to come?

Would you know me, if I came?

Will you know me, once I have come?

Will you know me, when I have come?

Will you know me, when I come?

If you were to change it to any of the choices beginning with "Will," then closing question, "Would you call me your saviour then?" might need a "Will" rather than "Would." If you chose a "would" option, you could leave the closing question as is.

I am pulling this out of my ass though, and the drabble is beautiful and (for me) moving, so there.

You were on fire yesterday, ita.

I was offline most of yesterday and am catching up here and elsewhere. There was some wonderful writing going on--I thought I felt a disturbance in the force.

Allyson, if you're past your sticking-place, then never mind. If you think I could help, send what you have.

Raq, yours is backflung, and I'm all needy now, "Please mu'm, I'd like some more!"

Deb, on yours in another window as I type.

Bev, excellent. Because what's going to follow what you've got is the "wait a minute...." kicking up.

As said elsewhere, I'm handling this one with care. It wants to charge out and I keep telling it whoa, chill, easy there. Using Rex Stout's superb phrase, when he had Nero Wolfe handling a pot containing the world's only black orchids, I'm acting like it's made of star bubbles and angel's breath. A lot of stuff going on in this one, not to mention seeding book five. All very intimate and close to JP's heart.

Interesting to write, BTW. Bree is all the way back in this one, and that pleases me, because in this one, the musician is very much to the fore and everything else takes a back seat.