Spike's Bitches 22: You've got Angel breath
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risque (and frisque), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
Oh, see? Cindy's already gotten there!
I have seen the mountain top!
Oh no. He's too smart. He's already figured out the important buttons to push.
Not so much with the button pushing. He likes everything happy. It was a weird, where-do-I-get-mad, why-am-I-so-mad situation. Chris knocked over one of the living room lamps, and bent it all to hell. I saw the lamp going down, and saw Ben leaving the room. The light went out (we have no overhead lights in the living room). Julia started yelling, "I know what happened. I saw the whole thing. I can tell you exactly what happened."
Meanwhile, I'm trying not to run through Carlin's seven words. I put the other lamp on, and saw that the fallen lamp was all bent. Ben still hadn't come back in the room. I thought he'd knocked it over and then fled, which made me angry. Then I was informed it was Chris. Chris cries whenever anything isn't all fluffybunnyhappysunny. Ben's repeating over and over, "It wasn't me," even though I hadn't yet accused him.
I asked Chris what happened, and he went into this long story that started with whatever he was watching on TV. I said, "Never mind," and came in here and typed, so I wouldn't scream. Ben was still proclaiming his innocence for all to hear. Julia was still asserting she had the complete eye witness testimony.
I went upstairs for a moment, came down, and started to take apart the lamp to see if I could unbend it. It was mostly (but not exclusively) the brackety thing that loops over the now-dead-lightbulb that was bent. The post was also sort of bent too though, and another part I don't even know what to call. I then saw that the end table was gouged, as well.
Julia began her deposition, and it turns out she had a blanket over the lamp. I interrupted her with a "YOu had a blanket over the lamp!??!!!!!" because although we aren't no-kids-in-the-living room people, it's a designated calm area, where you don't play with things that aren't toys.
Chris knocked over the lamp by either tripping over the blanket, or in trying to remove it.
I have a headache, and now Scott's home.
I learned the phrase "survival skills" in much this way, Cindy.
Because Mom would say if I had any, to get out of her face, right now
(And there are crowds where I don't say that, because some people hear child abuse in it. Nah...just like Lois on TV. Mom loves Lois.)
Hec, you are creepy psychic. Guess who I just got E-mail from... judgy social worker...it's that time again.
I know just the thing.
I interrupted her with a "YOu had a blanket over the lamp!??!!!!!"
Okay, this is the scary part of the story. Blankets + lamps = fire.
It's probably a good thing I didn't have children. I might set them all out the back door and tell them to never come back.
Yes, I have explained the fire hazard issue, which, to be fair, she didn't know, because it's never come up. The lamp is almost three foot tall, and it's on top of an end table. It must have taken some forbidden gymnastics to get it up there, in the first place.
And there are crowds where I don't say that, because some people hear child abuse in it. Nah...just like Lois on TV. Mom loves Lois.)
That's not child abuse. That's a kindness. "You need to leave me alone, now." I don't over use it, but I use it when necessary. It's better than screaming at them, especially when my rational self is already telling me, "It's just a *thing* and nobody was hurt. Get over it, Cindy," and it's just that the irrational bits need a breather, first.
I asked Chris what happened, and he went into this long story that started with whatever he was watching on TV. I said, "Never mind," and came in here and typed, so I wouldn't scream. Ben was still proclaiming his innocence for all to hear. Julia was still asserting she had the complete eye witness testimony.
They were all racing as fast as they could to NOT be the culpable one, or at least, NOT be the one Mommy was angry at. None of them were able to sense that their actions were universally producing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF THEIR INTENDED EFFECTS.
This is, of course, perfectly kid-like behavior.
(Upon typing this, I see it could read as a leaping to the defense of, and I'd like to clarify it is only meant as a somewhat bemused commentary on)
Oh no, you're completely right, and it was hysterical in the sense that it's funny now. I actually couldn't figure out why they were quite so defensive about it, because in general, I'm pretty easy about broken stuff. We have kids. Stuff gets broken. I'm generally fine with that, as long as the kids weren't broken, and weren't being intentionally bad.
Message By Proxy:
Hey, Connie, if you're reading this and you've skived off to the library or something for some mental health time, call your hubby, will you? He just called here.
Love, AmyParker
Oh no, you're completely right, and it was hysterical in the sense that it's funny now.
I think the part that struck me the funniest was just how quickly Julia was willing to totally sell her brother down the river. And how oblivious she was to her own culpability, and her impending self-bust.
Hey, Connie, if you're reading this and you've skived off to the library or something for some mental health time, call your hubby, will you? He just called here.
Love, AmyParker
All right! So I sneaked out of work rather than causing stink and grief by murdering perfectly blameless people just because my hormones said to! I didn't know he was going to come looking for me after his doctor's appointment. Now it's a nationwide alert.
For what it's worth, I just got here about twenty minutes ago, and he found me here. Even before I got online.
Damn, when did I become predictable.
I think the part that struck me the funniest was just how quickly Julia was willing to totally sell her brother down the river. And how oblivious she was to her own culpability, and her impending self-bust.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Julia is afraid of werewolves. Long story. Anyhow, she doesn't want to go upstairs if nobody else is up there. Ever. However, she will take Chris with her and go up, even though he's smaller than she. One day, I said, "You're bigger than Chris is, Julia. There's no such thing as werewolves, but if there were, Chris couldn't protect you. What are you planning to do--throw him to the werewolf, so that you can escape."
Of course she was.
...
Poor Connie, can't even sneak off to the library.
