When another friend was in grad school, and the rest of us had jobs, she would meet us for drinks but not dinner. I'll often just nurse one drink and a glass of water. Etc. etc.

This is the nice thing about having a regular bar - I tend to only have to pay for half or less of what I incurred drink-wise. But yeah, I'd rather have a night in with cheap wine & a movie than not hang with my friends.

So, I'm wondering, O Buffistae Mine, how do other people (meaning all y'all) deal with it? (If, in fact, you have to?)

I've been on both sides of the coin. A few of my friends had their first children at 19 or so. I was a college student, and then working full time, and living at home, paying nearly nothing for room and board. I knew things were tight for them, not because they told me, but because they were single mothers. So I'd pick stuff up (like bring over dinner) and say it was on me, but try to let it be a big thing, like I was the big rich savior or something.

Now, they're working because their kids are grown ups or nearly so. Meanwhile, my husband and I have held our breath for 2 of the last 3 paydays (which are only once a month), I just say, "I'm broke."

If you're not comfortable with that level of revelation, maybe you can just say, "Oh, that's not in my budget this month," or strongly suggest going to more affordable places in the first place, on the grounds that you're in the mood for casual. I don't know. I think it depends on your comfort level.

Steph, I'd try just talking to her about it. There was that whole Friend's episode back in the day about this very thing. I am very often on the low paying end when going out with groups and I really hate when I choose to have a little because of finances and someone suggests splitting the bill.

If they are close friends I usually suggest going to a cheaper place or state up front I need to pay seperately or just opt out of going out with them, because if they can't deal with making me comfortable then we aren't that close anymore.

If she tells me one more time to come skiing with her, I'm going to scream.

You totally should. That's just wrong. I mean, I don't need to know the intimate details of anyone else's tax returns, but I'd hate to think I was upsetting anyone.

I just wonder if she stops and thinks about it. Granted, I've been at my job for 10 years, but I'm still an editor, which is not a position notorious for its large salary, unless you run the New York Times. And she's the COO of the local organ/tissue donation bank. The COO, even for a non-profit, is gonna make more money than an editor.

because if they can't deal with making me comfortable then we aren't that close anymore.

Yeah, right on.

That's not what leeches do. Leeches ask, piteously, or lurk with eyelashes aflutter.

Yeah. I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about money. If that means letting someone stay in my hotel room at a con so I can have the pleasure of seeing them, works for me.

Yep. I've been on both sides of it. I don't have a huge problem with a friend offering to pay for a social thing when I'm between jobs because when I'm the one gainfully employed, I'm the one who will say "No, I think this would be fun for both of us. Don't worry, I'll cover it."

My best friend makes close to 3 times what I do, which is just really really annoying.

One of my bad habits is psychoanalyzing people, but you know how they say that income inequality matters more to our self-esteem than our absolute income? Well, you're the only person so far who makes significantly more than I'd guessed from reading their posts over the years... I wonder if the closeness isn't triggering that ancient circuit in your brain that says "There seems to be a lot of food around here, everyone else is prospering... I'd better get a little anxious so I don't get left behind!"

Allyson, you should really know that good people chip in when they can, and accept a chip when they can't, and that's what makes the world a nice place to live in.

Salary: $66K
Rent: $750/mo for an efficiency studio (more like a converted hotel room)
Debt: Student loans of an amount I don't remember, but somewhere around $10K between me and the DH. Filed bankrupcty in 2003 to kick off the credit card debt we'd acquired and couldn't keep up on due to DH's chronic unemployment. Some piddly things relating to emergency room visits and uncovered medical debts.

I know we've talked over strategies for how to not spend money when friends have money to spend in the past. I think it was Lilty who asked for advice, last summer.

I thought I was maniacally cheap, till I met my flatmate, who is more maniacal than thou (or me). She has to be, to get by on her income, which right now is all grad school loans. It flatters my sense of cleverness to clip coupons and find bargains, but for her it is absolute necessity.

Actually, that differential in our incomes is something we dance around gently -- when the electricity bill goes up in winter, it's something that's easier for me to bear than for her. I talked her into sharing my Netflix queue, without sharing the costs of the subscription, by calling it a birthday present to both of us.

Suddenly I am thinking, I need to take her out for a drink, just because. Maybe after her exams are over.