Sorry I keep posting, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about money. When another friend was in grad school, and the rest of us had jobs, she would meet us for drinks but not dinner. I'll often just nurse one drink and a glass of water. Etc. etc. Because we talk about our financial circumstances, we all understand when people are making the choices they are, and we ALSO understand that we'd rather be together than spend money, so sometimes pasta and wine at someone's house is the best choice.

If she tells me one more time to come skiing with her, I'm going to scream.

You totally should. That's just wrong. I mean, I don't need to know the intimate details of anyone else's tax returns, but I'd hate to think I was upsetting anyone. When it came to stretching me too far, it was mostly family (and some of them signed my fucking paltry paycheques), so I bowed out with stony silence.

What bugs is the, "we'll/I'll pay." Just makes me feel like a leech.

That's not what leeches do. Leeches ask, piteously, or lurk with eyelashes aflutter.

I mean, she's got it coming in, so she can spend it however she likes. But I just can't keep up with her. If she tells me one more time to come skiing with her, I'm going to scream.

The problem here is not that you aren't telling her, it's that she isn't listening.

I recommend a brick to the head. SuzyQ, I adore you, I love your company, but I can't do the things you do. I'm poor. Let's try to find some cheap things we can do together -- wanna come over and have a pizza Friday and watch some tacky movies?

That's not what leeches do. Leeches ask, piteously, or lurk with eyelashes aflutter.

Yeah. I'm lucky enough to not have to worry about money. If that means letting someone stay in my hotel room at a con so I can have the pleasure of seeing them, works for me.

When another friend was in grad school, and the rest of us had jobs, she would meet us for drinks but not dinner. I'll often just nurse one drink and a glass of water. Etc. etc.

This is the nice thing about having a regular bar - I tend to only have to pay for half or less of what I incurred drink-wise. But yeah, I'd rather have a night in with cheap wine & a movie than not hang with my friends.

So, I'm wondering, O Buffistae Mine, how do other people (meaning all y'all) deal with it? (If, in fact, you have to?)

I've been on both sides of the coin. A few of my friends had their first children at 19 or so. I was a college student, and then working full time, and living at home, paying nearly nothing for room and board. I knew things were tight for them, not because they told me, but because they were single mothers. So I'd pick stuff up (like bring over dinner) and say it was on me, but try to let it be a big thing, like I was the big rich savior or something.

Now, they're working because their kids are grown ups or nearly so. Meanwhile, my husband and I have held our breath for 2 of the last 3 paydays (which are only once a month), I just say, "I'm broke."

If you're not comfortable with that level of revelation, maybe you can just say, "Oh, that's not in my budget this month," or strongly suggest going to more affordable places in the first place, on the grounds that you're in the mood for casual. I don't know. I think it depends on your comfort level.

Steph, I'd try just talking to her about it. There was that whole Friend's episode back in the day about this very thing. I am very often on the low paying end when going out with groups and I really hate when I choose to have a little because of finances and someone suggests splitting the bill.

If they are close friends I usually suggest going to a cheaper place or state up front I need to pay seperately or just opt out of going out with them, because if they can't deal with making me comfortable then we aren't that close anymore.

If she tells me one more time to come skiing with her, I'm going to scream.

You totally should. That's just wrong. I mean, I don't need to know the intimate details of anyone else's tax returns, but I'd hate to think I was upsetting anyone.

I just wonder if she stops and thinks about it. Granted, I've been at my job for 10 years, but I'm still an editor, which is not a position notorious for its large salary, unless you run the New York Times. And she's the COO of the local organ/tissue donation bank. The COO, even for a non-profit, is gonna make more money than an editor.

because if they can't deal with making me comfortable then we aren't that close anymore.

Yeah, right on.