( continues...) much."

"Oh, Lisa, if we could only cure your fetish for the young and classically attractive..."

applauds

Honest to God - it is like watching the damn show!

Thank you...if I told you I'd let you feel me up in my car, would you take that wrong?(That kind of shit is why editors are beginning to talk to my strangely...damn you, Ari Gold! So crass, yet so fun to imitate.) (And I guess I made no secret of my lack of love for the James Cameron oeuvre, but I'd still have gone to Aguaman...cause, hey, Vince Chase wet.) What's not to like about that?

Erika, this is lots of fun to read, and I don't actually know either show.

Thank you...I feel compelled to tell you that Ari is that, canonically, in-your-face. I'm inventive, but I couldn't make that up.

"She wants a baby, E."

"You didn't do anything stupid, did you?"

"Define stupid. "

"Like propose after three weeks when you're leaving town. Stupid. Walk To Remember pathetic."

"You didn't say anything at the time," the actor pointed out.

"Would it have mattered?"

Vince made a so-so wobblehand. "Maybe. But now we'll never know, will we?"

"Rock...hard place, Eric. There is no way you're blaming that bullshit on me, Vince. Not after I dragged your lovelorn-but-funky ass into the shower after a week, and turned off Barry Manilow."

"Barry Manilow?" Vince really did look genuinely confused. Maybe E. hadn't noticed how much of a fog that pop princess had put his best bud into. "I don't remember that."

"Mandy, duh. Although here's the sick thing about that...that song isn't about a girl at all, but about Mr.I-Write-the-Songs' prize Pekingese or some shit like that. So you wasted a week listening to some dumb song about a fuzzy-headed, barking, bitch."

"But at least you're over it,"Vince replied."And not using that to judge my current situation at all."

"Absolutely."

"It's just that, E. I really like her, you know? But I never even hear the *word* baby unless it's got "please," or 'Vince, don't be a such a," attached to it. I've really never thought of this before. I mean, little humans, dependent on us, it's awfully heavy, you know?"

"I'm familiar with the concept, Vince. My sister's got two. One of which you somehow taught to curse in Italian...eventually I'll stop hearing about that, I'm sure."

"I'm sorry, man. I stubbed my toe so hard I forgot she was watching, but you see why I'm so fucking lost here, right?"

"Katie's like every other girl in the world.She'd follow you anywhere. Now, has Lisa asked you to...help with the baby thing?"

"Help?"

"Well, I didn't want to come out and say 'Vince, has Dr. Lisa asked you to knock her up?' it seemed kind of crude."

"Well, that's what's great about Lisa, E. She doesn't ask me for anything except..."

"Never mind,"

"I was just going to say my time and attention."

"Really?"

"Scout's honor, E."

"Okay, forgetting the fact that we were in scouts for all of three minutes, I think you really do like this one, Vince. Absence of details means either the sex sucks, which thin walls tell us is not likely, or that you, Vince Chase, for maybe the third and one half time in your life, are in a relationship like us lesser mortals."

"Which means?"

"It's the one place in your life I can't manage, Vince."

"So, I'm going to be on The View..." Lisa told him. "I'm going to be a Hot Topic...I don't know. Do I seem like a Hot Topic?"

"That's great...warm them up for me." Vince replied. "And to me, you are always a hot topic."

Turtle made a gag-face."Hey, it works."

"He does spend a lot less time whacking off than you do," E. explained.

"Sure, he does. Look at him."

"Um, sorry, Lisa. You know what mornings are like around here."

"Tell the guys hello for me." Vince moved the phone."Lisa says hey."

"HEY!"

"Are you nervous?"

"No, not very...it'll give me a chance to talk about Ari's benefit."

"Well, if you get nervous, you could always imagine the ladies in their underwear."

"Vince, Barbara Walters is on that show."

"Good point. Knock 'em dead, though. I know you can."

"Really? Because I feel ridiculous."

"What did I tell you about putting out that kind of negativity? You have to visualize what you want, not what you don't want."

"I'll try, babe. Bye."

"Bye,"
"May I assist?" Drama asked. "I've had some experience with that kind of anxiety myself."

"Aw, whatever, Drama. A nervous woman doesn't want to hear your Buddhist bullshit," Turtle replied. I've got the real cure."

"No," Eric said. "She can't have any brownies, and it would be bad for everyone for a respected physician to be caught flicking the bean on national television."

"Not while the cameras are rolling. Just, like, in the green room or something. And if Hasselbeck catches her, that'd be..."

"Stop slashing Vince's girl, Turtle."

"I'm not trashing her. I like Lisa...I just think angry girl-sex is supremely hot."

"Not trashing, slashing. I guess on the internet, there's all kind of people who like to picture same-sex sex.Not gay, exactly. Just, like, kinky."

Vince laughed. "Really? And how would you know that?"

"How funny do you think it is if you know they do it about you?"

"Ok, that's a little less funny...how's my taste in boys?"

"Well, there's one about you and Benicio, since he got that Escobar script."

"Del Toro?"

"You know another Benicio?"

"Well, that puts another spin on taking defeat like a man, huh?"

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it, you know?"

"Now, come on, E...I've known you for a long time. I know there's more to this story. Spill."

"It's not something I'd talk about in front of everyone Vince."

"Please,"
"Well, remember how...altered you got the night that Head-on came out? And how Jessica went home early, and I helped you get home."

"He was fucking wasted," Turtle remembered, with some pride.

"Yeah...and? We've always had each other's back like that..."

"Well, there's a certain class of Chase fangirl that sees a picture like that and thinks it's..." Eric cleared his throat painfully. "sexy."

"No way...we should put out a press statement right away, and make sure everyone knows that won't happen." Vince said, with a twinkle in his eye.

"Now, I don't know if we have to do that...we shouldn't try to legislate people's fantasies."

"Very open-minded of you, E. I applaud that. But we should put out the statement anyway...I like to slow-dance and we'd look really stupid."

"You are such an asshole..."E. said. "And after I got Walsh to vague up that blow-job sequence...and you start up with the short jokes."

"Maybe that's why this love doesn't speak its name, huh?"

"Maybe cause its name is Poser Indie McDouchebag. Although I shouldn't say that, Billy's off his Ritalin today and he'll think we're calling him."

"Don't be threatened by Billy, E."

"I'm not threatened. I just think he sucks. Different vibe."

Lisa's appearance on The View went well, at least while she was talking about the clinic and the Gold benefit(although there were a few tense moments over reproductive choice)but the embarrassment was yet to come."Okay, so we know you're all socially conscious and all that, but the real question on everyone's mind is"What's it like to play doctor with Vince Chase?"

The audience cheered and catcalled, whistled and hooted.Maybe less than they would for Denzel Washington or someone, but Denzel had a lot more years to build up unrequited passions.

"I know I'd have a lot more physicals if he was around," Whoopi said."As the song says, he's pretty fly for a white guy."

"You would know," Sherri Shepherd said.

"Why do you always have to take it there?"

"Wait, what?"Cuddy said. "I examined him. And I would never try to get a date during that...it's not appropriate." "So, how did that happen?" Barbara asked.

"Well, I asked him to let me know if the condition improved, and he said it had and asked me out.He sent me flowers...it was nice."

"Oh, blah, blah, blah...how's the sex? Does he wear the suit?"

"Suit? What suit?"

"The Inquisitor says he's obsessed with Aguaman and bought a suit to prepare for the role and impress James Cameron.”,

“As far as I know, that’s not the case.”

“But things have a way of going on without your knowledge, don’t they? Your best doctor has a significant drug problem...I printed out complaints from the internet.”,br>

“Dr. House has a...pain-management problem, and occasionally? pushes the frontiers of established medicine.Most of those cases made the news because Dr. House pulled them through when he was not expected to do so, Ms. Hasselbeck.”

“I guess she told you.”

“Did not...what was it like to sleep with super-agent Ari Gold?What? He’s kinda sexy, right?” A picture of Ari from some business magazine went up on the monitors.

"You might say I'm not close enough to the entertainment business to get screwed by Ari Gold, ladies...the kinkiest thing I know about him is that when he was fifteen he called "Purple Rain" the future of American moviemaking."

A little angst as we get close to wrapping up...

"Lisa, what are you doing to me, telling that Prince story? I've had three rival agents taunting me with "When Doves Cry," just today."

"If memory serves, it could be a lot worse...Darling Ari, maybe? Or Sexy Motherfucker?"

"What? I didn't catch that last bit."

"How old are you again?"

"Okay, fine, I just wanted to see if you'd say 'Sexy Motherfucker' again. Don't ever get married, Lisa. Cause as much as I adore my wife, it takes something out of my life that the only person who comes close to talking dirty to me when I'm out of town is Eric Murphy."

"At the rate things are going, it's not looking likely, Ari."

"Is that a problem for you?"

"Maybe after we get through the benefit tonight we can get drunk and talk about that...I think it's a bad idea now...You are coming, right?"

"Oh, absolutely. In between all the Broadway revivals the Mrs. planned for us...I'm actually looking forward to your talk about ladyparts more, if you can believe that."

"Culture is not a bad thing...I think it's nice and I wish I had more time for it. A doctor here and I went to some plays and exhibits for a while, but..."

"That's because he was trying on the idea of asking you to fuck him.That is the only reason most guys go to these things. Unless we're talking about actors, in which case, whole new class of mishegoss"

"Dr. House said the same thing."

"I knew that guy was a genius. Standoffish, though." "It's not personal," Lisa moved the phone to her other hand."In fact, I think he liked you...or at least respected you. he's usually much worse."

"Or maybe you're just blinded by hormones from seeing our boy Vinnie naked."

"Ari, I told you before I'm not discussing that with you...probably ever.It was bad enough having to pretend to talk about it with Barbara Walters and Joy Whatsits."

"Don't worry about it," the agent advised. "The dirty details would have gotten stuck inside the Vaseline on the camera lens."

"You're terrible,"

"But you love it, right, baby?"

"You know what, I do. Or at least, you wear it well, Ari."

She doesn't tell the agent how much she thinks of Vincent, though it's only been two days since they made love, and a day and a half since he waited in her foyer because "we need to talk,"(he wouldn't come any closer, in case chemistry distract him from his mission.)Looking back on it now, which is all she's been doing, besides a brief interlude where she pretended to work, she supposed it was relief that made her giddy enough to laugh when he said "Lisa, I'm sorry I can't get you pregnant. But my career's just beginning to take off and Ari's not taken commision yet..." and he looked very young indeed.

She'd been prepared for another conversation entirely...a prop girl with an amazing ass, or a tempting co-star(although there weren't many speaking roles for women in QB, and for once she didn't feel much urge to get on a feminist soapbox about that) and suddenly she had an image of a dark-haired child with the world's bluest eyes being nannied by Drama and Turtle. Although she might learn to read a monologue with her picture books, she might also be the preschooler who rolled the tightest joints, and the image made Cuddy laugh till her shoulders shook. Until the paroxsym passed, she hadn't realized she was alone in it, and Vince just watched her with a hurt expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, darling, I thought you were joking...I know you're not ready."

"It's not *that* funny, you know."

"I know, baby, I know," she said, reminding herself of Gold at his weakest.

"I've got to get back to my hotel."

To Eric, he meant. To whatever alliances against the forces of darkness some boys with nothing made up in a shithole in Queens. She's torn between kicking herself for adding to the total and thinking he's lucky for having somewhere to turn. If it were any other guy, she might be vulnerable enough to (continued...)

( continues...) make Ari's night, but she knew twenty years of friendship would count for nothing next to Gold's discovery.