I just couldn't resist having Ari not be boasting when he's all "Well, off to make it with the wife,"(although for him that's crazy delicate language of course.) And also, that Cuddy thinks he's full of it and he's actually telling the truth. I believe that Ari was probably a geek in school and most of the boasting about suction and Heidi Klum and all that is highly compensatory. Being an agent is not only his ticket to the cool table, it's his way of deciding who else sits there, too.(But of course, a lot of us here know that to be a geek in high school, you don't really have to look like Urkel, right?) He probably feels that Mrs. Ari would have been out of his league if he'd met her sooner, too. Because he follows her around like she's the prom queen he's got no hope of scoring with. I mean, when he's home. ETA: And, also, Ari, I love you. But your phone etiquette...not so much. Not to mention, I picture the teachers at his daughter's school wearing a cup to Parents' Night. Even the women.

Well, so much for this not being long."If I told you you I had a twenty-two part story, is that something you'd be interested in?"

Vince kind of dug it that Lisa had no real interest in Shauna's publicity campaign and it sent him even more when a reporter asked about Mandy and she smiled and said "Which one is she again?" Because Lisa knew about the human gene project, a little gardening, some poetry, but not a hell of a lot about the crazy business that he and the boys thought about twenty-four-seven, or at least as often as they weren't trying to decide which fictional characters to fuck, what sort of draft pick might bring back the Knicks' glory days, or the name of the place with the great cupcakes.

Lisa read shit without pictures in it. Voluntarily. Without bribery or prompting.

He knew he wasn't, like, a moron. Despite some of the opinions he had taken in with the pasta on his dinner table, he thought he was smart about some things. And he was always very fucking good at pretending things were cool when they weren't, which probably made him the actor he was today. The added bonus of watching his apparent calm drive Ari insane? Only came with time.It was weird though, the more the agent strutted, the more Zen Vince got. Cause it wasn't like screaming, cursing, and even threats against his person were that new in Vince's life. He just went to a place in his brain where it was quiet. At least Ari didn't call him a retard when he didn't rise to the bait, like his father had done. He thought he might have some of that attention-deficit thing they were giving the kids all the pills for, because once he got bored? Forget it. But you couldn't act on fuckin' Ritalin(he figured) and anyway, Turtle would probably sell his whole script on EBay anyways. And, anyway, all that old painful shit was, like, water under the dam.

But when he and Lisa were in bed together they made perfect sense. Among other things he could never tell Shauna was that there was one place where he didn't mind being called "Vincent,"

Not that he talked to the guys the way he used to. Sure, they still knew most everything about his life, but he didn't "bang" or "fuck" Lisa like she was some starlet eager to show off her absence of thong lines. Occasionally, he would talk about their "shagging", but he wished the reference had stayed more Johnny Rotten and less Austin Powers. But if your mother couldn't bust you for saying it, it didn't count as a curse, then, right? Vince's old Catholic-boy love of loopholes reasserted itself, big-time.

And Ari? He was, just like...to use Lisa's word, omnipresent. It never failed that they were in the middle of something when he would call with some detail about Lisa's women's clinic, or some embarrassing story about one of their classmates."It's Ari, again."Vince told her. "Maybe I should take it."

"Let me talk to him...I would like your mouth to be busy for a while."

"Do your patients know how nasty you are...underneath those suits you're just my dirty girl."

"I'm an administrator," She panted as he found a good spot. with his fingers "I don't have patients anymore. Just lawyers, and shareholders, and House."

"Oh, my,"And he stunned her again with that amazing smile. "See, I can play the quote game too...not like you and Ari, but I can. And I can't believe you haven't seen "Almost Famous"...it's a good way to know what I'm about."

"Now, see, in 2000, how was I supposed to know I'd need that? I was snowed under with work, and you were, please God, don't say getting your driver's license, or I'll get out of this bed and kill myself right now..."

"I'm from Queens," Vince told her. "I still don't have a driver's license. Your life is saved. Unless you hate Almost Famous...I can't promise anything then."

"That's great. Just so there's no pressure."

And it might have continued to be stolen time outside of both their lives, if a photographer's innocent mistaken-identity hadn't changed everything.

• **

( continues...) tried to befriend the photographers who started to appear in Head-on's wake, figuring they all had a role to play in selling Vinceness, whatever that was. So far, they seemed like mostly normal guys. Some people complained about being followed, but Vince had been watched by someone since at least puberty...girls. And their fathers, who weren't as impressed as the girls. It was them he thought of when he waved at his "usual" paparazzi. "Hi, Len...hi, George."

It was fuckin' funny that he had to get famous to finally learn how to be what his mother called a "polite young man".

"Where to, Vince?" the older photographer said.

"Just the park."

"Nice to see you taking your mother out...Vince's Mom, how about a smile, huh?" Cuddy said little, but walked back to Vince's motel and locked herself in the bathroom.

"Lisa, this is ridiculous. You don't look like my mother that much.",

If anyone had told Vince Chase that he, rather than, say, Penny Lane, were going to be on his knees outside a hotel bathroom door during this time when he was, well, almost famous, he'd have thought they were crazy or, at the very least, baked.

"Leave me alone," she told him through the door. "I'm old and ugly and I'll leave here when I can get one of those button things"

"I've fallen and I can't get up," Drama quoted. "I was up for that."

"Why?" Vince asked.

"To show that medical emergency could strike at any time, or something. Doesn't matter...I didn't get it anyway."

"Blessing in disguise, Drama." Vince said. "Think how hard that would be to live down if you had gotten it."

"Speaking of living things down," Drama whispered, as they stepped away from the bathroom door, "it appears that your Dr. Lisa has been set upon by body-image demons. Now I'm sure we all know what this is like, but it's new to her because she's a confident civilian who's not often in the public eye. Not like the rest of us who become beset with these issues from time to time."

"Well, okay," Turtle said. "As long as the shit doesn't leave this room, hanging out with Vince can be intimidating like a motherfucker. I mean, you've seen the women he can get. And that includes Dr. Lisa, who has a bangin' body for such a brainiac."

"You never told me that. Turtle, you have nothing to be intimidated by."

"Prove it," E. said, sounding a lot like a manager for somebody standing in a hallway in a Best Western. "Tell us one time you felt insecure about your physical appearance."

Vince straightened up and shrugged. "Look, I appreciate that you're trying to help and everything...it's really decent of you. And I wish I had something to add. But I don't. I'm just not built that way."

"Ok," E. continued. "Show of hands if you hate Vince right now."

Three hands went up. "Et tu, Drama? I'm fucking wounded, man. What about the power of the Chase lineage?"

"Hey, I'm sorry, little bro, but I happen to believe secrets are toxic, and considering the way we grew up, I've been exposed to more than my share. It's in that spirit, then, that I must confess our relationship has certain, tiny but relevant, love-hate moments.And the Chase lineage was far more generous to you, anyway, Vin."

"Do you feel better now?" Vince asked his brother.

"Much, actually," Drama replied.

"Well, then this is all worth it.E, do you really hate me?"

"No, I could never really hate you, Vince. You fuckin' saved my life, you fuckin' mutant. But I do occasionally reserve the right to hate the fact that you graduated high school without so much as a fuckin' pimple and that when you call women the only time you worry they won't want to hear from you is because you blew them off for two years. And if you weren't so fucking lazy, you could probably still keep them all waiting by the phone for their two minutes a day. As much as I love you, I hate that, Vince. You're the only person I know who could get great sex as a result of a throat infection, you lucky son-of-a-bitch."

"Lisa, please come out! Any second now, they are going to go downstairs for torches!"

"What, sonny, my hearing isn't what it used to be...

"Please, stop, you're nothing like my mother...I've only seen you in your bathrobe once."

loves

Thank you, I'm so glad.

This part was cake, because, dude, I *am* Eric. he's like me, without the tits.Amazing.

In the end, E. has to save the day again.Because Lisa got upset, locked herself in there and now can't come out.She has saved people's lives but is fazed by a problem that wouldn't stop Bob Fucking Vila. Eric sighs, squares his perfectly-proportional-thank-you-very-much shoulders and asks her to jiggle and turn the knob at the same time.He expects a little attitude because after all, at least once a day since the L.A. adventure started, he's been reminded that he is a know-nothing dropout piece of shit.But the doctor seems relieved to have some advice and the door rattles like she took some direction even if she hasn't escaped yet.Turtle smuggled some food and cutlery from the coffee shop and Eric works the cheap door open with a butter knife, as Cuddy looks on, impressed.

"Thanks so much, Eric."She's trying so hard not to show she was ever upset that it makes her even hotter, and for the briefest second he's not a very good best friend. He blushes. "Aw, it's nothing. You just have to be used to living where stuff is broken,"He wonders if that came out pissier than intended, so he covers by trying to be extra-nice.

"You okay?"

"When I was a resident, I made the decision to have only two major freakouts a year." Lisa told him. "That's how I got my name on the door. Using that logic, Mr. Murphy, I used up my quota till at least 2012."

"Wow," Eric says, only halfway sure what she's on about."That's heavy.And I keep telling you, call me E.Mr. Murphy is my...well, everybody calls me that. Even Ari, to my face, at least."

"When we're not calling you The Man." Vince praised. As usual, he had to overdo everything.Make it sound twenty kinds of queer. It was embarrassing. So, why did he feel like he just scored the game-winning basket or something?
Vince was mostly different around Walsh, very into geeking out over some weird movie-loving bullshit and watching scenes of like, Brando, over and over again.Or Pacino, saying hello to his little friend, over and over.Like they were stoned, but he had definitely seen Vince stoned, and he wasn't.It was more like Vince had a crush on Billy Walsh, ropy-haired screenwriting douchebag.Eric didn't see it in the least, even as much as he dug QB.A broken clock could be right twice a day, and he had to admit he had really wanted to be included the first night they watched "Scarface" and he had mentioned he'd had the poster on his wall as a teenager. Walsh looked him over like he had dogshit on his shoe and said, nodding like he was very deep,"Yeah, you look the type."

Well, fuck you, tooEric had responded by becoming a real scheduling and finance Nazi. He didn't think he'd ever said "responsible" so many times in his life.

Which in Walsh World was some kind of burn or something, because Billy worked hard to act like he hated everything, and Eric in particular, and, for his part, E was beginning to hate Vince's impression of Walsh's "spiritual" nod.Vince sensed all this and was aiming all the rock-star warmth he had in his best boy's direction.

It had worked before, leading Eric to give only three days notice at Sbarro's and cross the country with his last thousand dollars and Kristen shooting premenstrual death glares from her eyes...you'd think she'd forgive him since she came to love Cali more than he did, but "forgive" was one f-word she wasn't comfortable with.

Vince put his arm around Lisa's shoulders. "See why I want you to meet with Shauna? America should see what I see."

Lisa gulped. No shit...Eric saw it for himself, as if she were a cartoon character caught in a frightening scene, or if she were at work trying to save some dude's finger and failing, as in a story Turtle had pronounced "sick on so many levels".

"America?"

"Don't worry...they'll love you.And if they don't, fuck 'em. But they will."

And E. saw her expression change, as all their expressions changed to mirror (continued...)

( continues...) Vince's. But he still wondered if their relationship was a patient that couldn't be saved.

"Dr. Cuddy, what the hell is this?" Shauna asked. "I've got the latest Inquisitor here, and do you know what the third headline from the top is..."

"No idea," Lisa answered. "I never read that stuff."

"She doesn't, I swear," Vince interjected.

"Vince, stop protecting her. This time, you're finally with a big girl. Let the grownups talk."

"Ok," Vince couldn't believe he'd ever hoped the two women would stop discussing pregnancy, but now that was almost a restful part of the conversation, even though, personally, he found it vaguely sickening.Well, not forever, but certainly for now, especially since he only got through intro to Biology thanks to E's quick hand with a frog knife. Thinking of reproduction threatened to ruin some of his favorite places on a woman's body.

"Well, right below Angelina and Jen, I find the following, and I quote 'Chase's Dr. Love Wanted To Have Co-worker's Baby' So, what's up, Dr. Love?"

"Okay, so for a brief period last year, I thought about getting pregnant...Dr. House assisted me with my hormone injections."

"I thought you were just friends...or co-workers. Or something."

"Yeah, something. Kind of like you and E. "

"Don't even get started pondering that," Shauna advised the dean of medicine. "You'll live longer...sleep better at night."

"Actually, Shauna, I'm not having a problem with that these days."

"Great...would you mind saying that again?"

"Phone static?"

"No, Lisa, that sassy shit just kills on The View...I'll try to seat you far from Hasselbeck...she's sweet and welcoming and all that, but off the record? She's a little blonde brain drain.And guess who had to listen to three hours of baseball statistics trying to convince Keith Olbermann he couldn't get, like, contact stupid? By the end of that night my ass was growing Astroturf."

"Did he touch you?" Vince asked.

"Keith? Oh, no. never...he's a pretty classy guy. For a total fucking lightning rod. And I'll tell you something else, Vincent Chase, the day I couldn't fend off an Ivy League sports geek is the day I hang up my guns and open up a craft store in Vermont, which, God forbid, you know what I mean...three weeks in, i'd be writing ads for a food co-op or something. Pass."

"I was talking to Lisa, Shauna."

"Isn't she there with you?"the publicist asked. "Cause I think she got disconnected...Drama set up three-way calling by himself, didn't he?"

"Well, yeah, but sometimes it's easier when you don't actually have to look at the other person."

"Brilliant talk from someone who gets photographed every day, Vincent. Did you switch brains with Turtle this morning?"

"Hey, now, I love the guy, but you don't have to go there, Shauna."

"Apparently, I do." Shauna said. "Since you are acting like every stupid guy in America. You can have a past...and quite a past at that, but she has to go to bed with Gray's Anatomy every night. The book, not the TV show..."

"There was a book...so it was kind of a Harry Potter thing."

Shauna sighed. "Sometimes you're lucky you're so beautiful, Vincent."

"I think that's the first time you ever told me that,"

"Hey, if I'm honest with you, I can hope you'll be honest with me. And that goes twice as much for boyfriends as for publicists. Or it ought to. Talk to the woman already!"

As generally happened when Vince tried to talk to Cuddy about something serious,they ended up falling into bed together first. It was only afterward that he stroked her hair and said, in a tone elaborately casual even for him"So, is that baby thing something you're still into or what?"

She smiled. "Still into? Sweetie, it's a human life, not Metallica."

"Oh, I got a pet name...I stepped in it now...Mommy's pissed."

"I know what you're going for there, Vince, but let's not go there again."

"It was a lot less creepy inside my head," he admitted."But you do pile on the endearments when you get upset."

"Huh, I never noticed."

"Billy says an artist has to notice everything...that we can use it in our best work."

"Yes, Vince, I still think about raising a child, if not specifically becoming pregnant any more."

"That's deep, Lisa. Really beautiful." He sat up. "Look, this is probably like a stupid question, and I know we all have our lists...and that nobody tells the absolute truth, but..."

"Everybody lies," Lisa replied."Where have I heard that before?"

"Hey...who said anything about *lying*? Lying sucks...I'm talking about, more like, approaching the truth creatively. You know? But I can't get this one question out of my head...when you said that Dr. House 'assisted' you, was it a test-tube thing, or did you guys...."

"Neither. But there were a few times in college.Not that you would know anything about being swept off your feet,by a clever older person, right?"

"I might know a little something about that..."

"He gave me hormone injections, and more than a little static about the sperm donors I was looking at. But I really thought nobody knew about that.I can't see House opening up to the Inquistor...maybe Cameron squealed."

"Did you guys have some kind of catfight or something? Because that is a dimension to you that I'd really like to hear about."

"I'm her boss, Vince. We would hardly whip out the jello over a dispute over withholding taxes."

"Am I a pig if I say that would help me pay attention during financial meetings?"

"Yes, but I like you anyway. But I swear you guys are all the same..."

"So, if everything's cool with this Cameron, why would she talk to the tabs?"

"Ironically...because she's the nicest most helpful person on the fucking planet. If germs didn't hurt people, she couldn't bring herself to kill them."

The phone ringing cut into their thoughts. "It's Ari. I could get rid of him if you want."

"You and what army, Vincent? Besides I don't want to rub this in any more than I already have."

"How much do you love me right now, Lisa Cuddy?"

"Same as always, Ari Gold. Why?

"Well, when you hear the news I've got for you, you're gonna want me to slide over and give our favorite pretty boy some competition, I shit you not. I am now officially the Tits and Pussy King of Hollywood, darling."

Lisa blushed. "Excuse me?"

"I bet you're red as a beet right now...I always had that effect on you.When are you going to stop repressing your love for me? Hey, don't answer that if Vince is there...he'd have Turtle put out a contract on me...where was I?"

"Um, tits and pussy king?"

"Yeah, well, you know...I had a little lunch with James Cameron...he wants our boy for Aguaman, you know, and I just happened to mention how I owed you one for bringing Vinnie back from the brink of death and all that, and, bang, all of a sudden, Jim Cameron cares about women's health. Or maybe it was a fuck-you to that Winslet bitch...you don't care, do you? It's eight million dollars.
"

"Um, I guess not. But I only brought him back from the brink of death if it were 1945, Ari."

"Lisa, it's *Cameron*. No disrespect, but all he wants is broad strokes, primary colors, and a place to stick the explosions and shit. Facts only make Jim's life harder, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"Do you love me now?"

"Yes, Ari, I love you very (continued...)