"Dr. Cuddy, what the hell is this?" Shauna asked. "I've got the latest Inquisitor here, and do you know what the third headline from the top is..."

"No idea," Lisa answered. "I never read that stuff."

"She doesn't, I swear," Vince interjected.

"Vince, stop protecting her. This time, you're finally with a big girl. Let the grownups talk."

"Ok," Vince couldn't believe he'd ever hoped the two women would stop discussing pregnancy, but now that was almost a restful part of the conversation, even though, personally, he found it vaguely sickening.Well, not forever, but certainly for now, especially since he only got through intro to Biology thanks to E's quick hand with a frog knife. Thinking of reproduction threatened to ruin some of his favorite places on a woman's body.

"Well, right below Angelina and Jen, I find the following, and I quote 'Chase's Dr. Love Wanted To Have Co-worker's Baby' So, what's up, Dr. Love?"

"Okay, so for a brief period last year, I thought about getting pregnant...Dr. House assisted me with my hormone injections."

"I thought you were just friends...or co-workers. Or something."

"Yeah, something. Kind of like you and E. "

"Don't even get started pondering that," Shauna advised the dean of medicine. "You'll live longer...sleep better at night."

"Actually, Shauna, I'm not having a problem with that these days."

"Great...would you mind saying that again?"

"Phone static?"

"No, Lisa, that sassy shit just kills on The View...I'll try to seat you far from Hasselbeck...she's sweet and welcoming and all that, but off the record? She's a little blonde brain drain.And guess who had to listen to three hours of baseball statistics trying to convince Keith Olbermann he couldn't get, like, contact stupid? By the end of that night my ass was growing Astroturf."

"Did he touch you?" Vince asked.

"Keith? Oh, no. never...he's a pretty classy guy. For a total fucking lightning rod. And I'll tell you something else, Vincent Chase, the day I couldn't fend off an Ivy League sports geek is the day I hang up my guns and open up a craft store in Vermont, which, God forbid, you know what I mean...three weeks in, i'd be writing ads for a food co-op or something. Pass."

"I was talking to Lisa, Shauna."

"Isn't she there with you?"the publicist asked. "Cause I think she got disconnected...Drama set up three-way calling by himself, didn't he?"

"Well, yeah, but sometimes it's easier when you don't actually have to look at the other person."

"Brilliant talk from someone who gets photographed every day, Vincent. Did you switch brains with Turtle this morning?"

"Hey, now, I love the guy, but you don't have to go there, Shauna."

"Apparently, I do." Shauna said. "Since you are acting like every stupid guy in America. You can have a past...and quite a past at that, but she has to go to bed with Gray's Anatomy every night. The book, not the TV show..."

"There was a book...so it was kind of a Harry Potter thing."

Shauna sighed. "Sometimes you're lucky you're so beautiful, Vincent."

"I think that's the first time you ever told me that,"

"Hey, if I'm honest with you, I can hope you'll be honest with me. And that goes twice as much for boyfriends as for publicists. Or it ought to. Talk to the woman already!"

As generally happened when Vince tried to talk to Cuddy about something serious,they ended up falling into bed together first. It was only afterward that he stroked her hair and said, in a tone elaborately casual even for him"So, is that baby thing something you're still into or what?"

She smiled. "Still into? Sweetie, it's a human life, not Metallica."

"Oh, I got a pet name...I stepped in it now...Mommy's pissed."

"I know what you're going for there, Vince, but let's not go there again."

"It was a lot less creepy inside my head," he admitted."But you do pile on the endearments when you get upset."

"Huh, I never noticed."

"Billy says an artist has to notice everything...that we can use it in our best work."

"Yes, Vince, I still think about raising a child, if not specifically becoming pregnant any more."

"That's deep, Lisa. Really beautiful." He sat up. "Look, this is probably like a stupid question, and I know we all have our lists...and that nobody tells the absolute truth, but..."

"Everybody lies," Lisa replied."Where have I heard that before?"

"Hey...who said anything about *lying*? Lying sucks...I'm talking about, more like, approaching the truth creatively. You know? But I can't get this one question out of my head...when you said that Dr. House 'assisted' you, was it a test-tube thing, or did you guys...."

"Neither. But there were a few times in college.Not that you would know anything about being swept off your feet,by a clever older person, right?"

"I might know a little something about that..."

"He gave me hormone injections, and more than a little static about the sperm donors I was looking at. But I really thought nobody knew about that.I can't see House opening up to the Inquistor...maybe Cameron squealed."

"Did you guys have some kind of catfight or something? Because that is a dimension to you that I'd really like to hear about."

"I'm her boss, Vince. We would hardly whip out the jello over a dispute over withholding taxes."

"Am I a pig if I say that would help me pay attention during financial meetings?"

"Yes, but I like you anyway. But I swear you guys are all the same..."

"So, if everything's cool with this Cameron, why would she talk to the tabs?"

"Ironically...because she's the nicest most helpful person on the fucking planet. If germs didn't hurt people, she couldn't bring herself to kill them."

The phone ringing cut into their thoughts. "It's Ari. I could get rid of him if you want."

"You and what army, Vincent? Besides I don't want to rub this in any more than I already have."

"How much do you love me right now, Lisa Cuddy?"

"Same as always, Ari Gold. Why?

"Well, when you hear the news I've got for you, you're gonna want me to slide over and give our favorite pretty boy some competition, I shit you not. I am now officially the Tits and Pussy King of Hollywood, darling."

Lisa blushed. "Excuse me?"

"I bet you're red as a beet right now...I always had that effect on you.When are you going to stop repressing your love for me? Hey, don't answer that if Vince is there...he'd have Turtle put out a contract on me...where was I?"

"Um, tits and pussy king?"

"Yeah, well, you know...I had a little lunch with James Cameron...he wants our boy for Aguaman, you know, and I just happened to mention how I owed you one for bringing Vinnie back from the brink of death and all that, and, bang, all of a sudden, Jim Cameron cares about women's health. Or maybe it was a fuck-you to that Winslet bitch...you don't care, do you? It's eight million dollars.
"

"Um, I guess not. But I only brought him back from the brink of death if it were 1945, Ari."

"Lisa, it's *Cameron*. No disrespect, but all he wants is broad strokes, primary colors, and a place to stick the explosions and shit. Facts only make Jim's life harder, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"Do you love me now?"

"Yes, Ari, I love you very (continued...)

( continues...) much."

"Oh, Lisa, if we could only cure your fetish for the young and classically attractive..."

applauds

Honest to God - it is like watching the damn show!

Thank you...if I told you I'd let you feel me up in my car, would you take that wrong?(That kind of shit is why editors are beginning to talk to my strangely...damn you, Ari Gold! So crass, yet so fun to imitate.) (And I guess I made no secret of my lack of love for the James Cameron oeuvre, but I'd still have gone to Aguaman...cause, hey, Vince Chase wet.) What's not to like about that?

Erika, this is lots of fun to read, and I don't actually know either show.

Thank you...I feel compelled to tell you that Ari is that, canonically, in-your-face. I'm inventive, but I couldn't make that up.

"She wants a baby, E."

"You didn't do anything stupid, did you?"

"Define stupid. "

"Like propose after three weeks when you're leaving town. Stupid. Walk To Remember pathetic."

"You didn't say anything at the time," the actor pointed out.

"Would it have mattered?"

Vince made a so-so wobblehand. "Maybe. But now we'll never know, will we?"

"Rock...hard place, Eric. There is no way you're blaming that bullshit on me, Vince. Not after I dragged your lovelorn-but-funky ass into the shower after a week, and turned off Barry Manilow."

"Barry Manilow?" Vince really did look genuinely confused. Maybe E. hadn't noticed how much of a fog that pop princess had put his best bud into. "I don't remember that."

"Mandy, duh. Although here's the sick thing about that...that song isn't about a girl at all, but about Mr.I-Write-the-Songs' prize Pekingese or some shit like that. So you wasted a week listening to some dumb song about a fuzzy-headed, barking, bitch."

"But at least you're over it,"Vince replied."And not using that to judge my current situation at all."

"Absolutely."

"It's just that, E. I really like her, you know? But I never even hear the *word* baby unless it's got "please," or 'Vince, don't be a such a," attached to it. I've really never thought of this before. I mean, little humans, dependent on us, it's awfully heavy, you know?"

"I'm familiar with the concept, Vince. My sister's got two. One of which you somehow taught to curse in Italian...eventually I'll stop hearing about that, I'm sure."

"I'm sorry, man. I stubbed my toe so hard I forgot she was watching, but you see why I'm so fucking lost here, right?"

"Katie's like every other girl in the world.She'd follow you anywhere. Now, has Lisa asked you to...help with the baby thing?"

"Help?"

"Well, I didn't want to come out and say 'Vince, has Dr. Lisa asked you to knock her up?' it seemed kind of crude."

"Well, that's what's great about Lisa, E. She doesn't ask me for anything except..."

"Never mind,"

"I was just going to say my time and attention."

"Really?"

"Scout's honor, E."

"Okay, forgetting the fact that we were in scouts for all of three minutes, I think you really do like this one, Vince. Absence of details means either the sex sucks, which thin walls tell us is not likely, or that you, Vince Chase, for maybe the third and one half time in your life, are in a relationship like us lesser mortals."

"Which means?"

"It's the one place in your life I can't manage, Vince."

"So, I'm going to be on The View..." Lisa told him. "I'm going to be a Hot Topic...I don't know. Do I seem like a Hot Topic?"

"That's great...warm them up for me." Vince replied. "And to me, you are always a hot topic."

Turtle made a gag-face."Hey, it works."

"He does spend a lot less time whacking off than you do," E. explained.

"Sure, he does. Look at him."

"Um, sorry, Lisa. You know what mornings are like around here."

"Tell the guys hello for me." Vince moved the phone."Lisa says hey."

"HEY!"

"Are you nervous?"

"No, not very...it'll give me a chance to talk about Ari's benefit."

"Well, if you get nervous, you could always imagine the ladies in their underwear."

"Vince, Barbara Walters is on that show."

"Good point. Knock 'em dead, though. I know you can."

"Really? Because I feel ridiculous."

"What did I tell you about putting out that kind of negativity? You have to visualize what you want, not what you don't want."

"I'll try, babe. Bye."

"Bye,"
"May I assist?" Drama asked. "I've had some experience with that kind of anxiety myself."

"Aw, whatever, Drama. A nervous woman doesn't want to hear your Buddhist bullshit," Turtle replied. I've got the real cure."

"No," Eric said. "She can't have any brownies, and it would be bad for everyone for a respected physician to be caught flicking the bean on national television."

"Not while the cameras are rolling. Just, like, in the green room or something. And if Hasselbeck catches her, that'd be..."

"Stop slashing Vince's girl, Turtle."

"I'm not trashing her. I like Lisa...I just think angry girl-sex is supremely hot."

"Not trashing, slashing. I guess on the internet, there's all kind of people who like to picture same-sex sex.Not gay, exactly. Just, like, kinky."

Vince laughed. "Really? And how would you know that?"

"How funny do you think it is if you know they do it about you?"

"Ok, that's a little less funny...how's my taste in boys?"

"Well, there's one about you and Benicio, since he got that Escobar script."

"Del Toro?"

"You know another Benicio?"

"Well, that puts another spin on taking defeat like a man, huh?"

"Well, I wouldn't worry about it, you know?"

"Now, come on, E...I've known you for a long time. I know there's more to this story. Spill."

"It's not something I'd talk about in front of everyone Vince."

"Please,"
"Well, remember how...altered you got the night that Head-on came out? And how Jessica went home early, and I helped you get home."

"He was fucking wasted," Turtle remembered, with some pride.

"Yeah...and? We've always had each other's back like that..."

"Well, there's a certain class of Chase fangirl that sees a picture like that and thinks it's..." Eric cleared his throat painfully. "sexy."

"No way...we should put out a press statement right away, and make sure everyone knows that won't happen." Vince said, with a twinkle in his eye.

"Now, I don't know if we have to do that...we shouldn't try to legislate people's fantasies."

"Very open-minded of you, E. I applaud that. But we should put out the statement anyway...I like to slow-dance and we'd look really stupid."

"You are such an asshole..."E. said. "And after I got Walsh to vague up that blow-job sequence...and you start up with the short jokes."

"Maybe that's why this love doesn't speak its name, huh?"

"Maybe cause its name is Poser Indie McDouchebag. Although I shouldn't say that, Billy's off his Ritalin today and he'll think we're calling him."

"Don't be threatened by Billy, E."

"I'm not threatened. I just think he sucks. Different vibe."

Lisa's appearance on The View went well, at least while she was talking about the clinic and the Gold benefit(although there were a few tense moments over reproductive choice)but the embarrassment was yet to come."Okay, so we know you're all socially conscious and all that, but the real question on everyone's mind is"What's it like to play doctor with Vince Chase?"

The audience cheered and catcalled, whistled and hooted.Maybe less than they would for Denzel Washington or someone, but Denzel had a lot more years to build up unrequited passions.

"I know I'd have a lot more physicals if he was around," Whoopi said."As the song says, he's pretty fly for a white guy."

"You would know," Sherri Shepherd said.

"Why do you always have to take it there?"

"Wait, what?"Cuddy said. "I examined him. And I would never try to get a date during that...it's not appropriate." "So, how did that happen?" Barbara asked.

"Well, I asked him to let me know if the condition improved, and he said it had and asked me out.He sent me flowers...it was nice."

"Oh, blah, blah, blah...how's the sex? Does he wear the suit?"

"Suit? What suit?"

"The Inquisitor says he's obsessed with Aguaman and bought a suit to prepare for the role and impress James Cameron.”,

“As far as I know, that’s not the case.”

“But things have a way of going on without your knowledge, don’t they? Your best doctor has a significant drug problem...I printed out complaints from the internet.”,br>

“Dr. House has a...pain-management problem, and occasionally? pushes the frontiers of established medicine.Most of those cases made the news because Dr. House pulled them through when he was not expected to do so, Ms. Hasselbeck.”

“I guess she told you.”

“Did not...what was it like to sleep with super-agent Ari Gold?What? He’s kinda sexy, right?” A picture of Ari from some business magazine went up on the monitors.

"You might say I'm not close enough to the entertainment business to get screwed by Ari Gold, ladies...the kinkiest thing I know about him is that when he was fifteen he called "Purple Rain" the future of American moviemaking."