The funeral is tomorrow so there is no work conflict. There's a visitation tonight that I would feel more comfortable attending, but then at the funeral there would be the other people from my office and not me.

This is so confusing I've never had to deal with anything like this before and I'm very very uncomfortable going to something so personal for someone I barely know (like my boss).

askye, if it were me, I'd attend the visitation. It's less formal, you can catch the people you do know--and give your condolences to your co-worker without sitting through the service and then leave unnoticed.

This is so confusing I've never had to deal with anything like this before and I'm very very uncomfortable going to something so personal for someone I barely know (like my boss).

Thing to remember is that this is a formal gesture of respect. It's not about intimacy, or how well you know your boss. A funeral is a community gesture - they can do their own grieving in private. There are simple etiquette rules to guide you. Particularly in such a small office, it would really stand out for you to not go.

very uncomfortable going to something so personal

askye, all you need to do is sit in attendance and say something appropriate to your boss, "I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounded like she was a lovely person, " and then you're done. It is, possibly, easier to attend a funeral in some ways than the visitation, where there is more small talk expected of you.

Heh, I guess I differ with Cashmere on this one.

Either the visitation or the funeral would be fine, I think. In my experience, if you go to the funeral it will be appreciated, but if you don't go, it isn't seen as disrespectful. A lot of people avoid funerals entirely.

I'm going to go to the visitation even if it's not the most proper thing, the idea of going to the funeral is practically giving me an anxiety attack now. The funeral would put me in an unfamiliar situation, in an unfamiliar place, with people I barely know (and in some cases barely like).

Also, if I were in this situation I would not want anyone from work to be at the funeral, unless I had some kind of personal relationship with them outside of work (and maybe not even then).

Visitation might be better. You sound like you'd be more comfortable, and that way you can actually say something to your boss. It does seem to me that, at least in the South, a lot more business people come by at visitation but don't come to the funeral, which tends to be more family.

Situations like you describe give me fits, askye, with my tendency to blurt when uncomfortable. I wish, over the course of my life, that I had not backed away so much.

askye, do you know what faith the family practices? The etiquette might be different depending on that; I know, for instance, that for many (most?) Catholics, the wake is the public event at which anyone who knew the deceased in any capacity is welcome, whereas the funeral is more private and family-oriented.

Visitation is the perfect solution for this. I think that's why the things were created. They can be hell to sit through for family (raises hand), but people can slip in, say what they came to say, and leave. Funerals, in my experience, were for those who felt a need to say a more formal good-bye.