Just found out my mother was in the hospital last week. My first, honest reaction was, "Oh, she is still alive, then?" I have not spoken to her in nearly five years, and that was on the occasion of her by-pass surgery. She was surprised to hear from me. Before that, oh, probably ten years of silence and intermittent Christmas cards. My oldest sister is the only one who maintains contact with me. I guess I should send her a letter, let her know that the address she has is correct.
Mother wants to hear from me. I'll most likely do it, but I'm in a mental place where such a conversation would be the equivalent of looking up from an interesting book to acknowledge someone poking their head into the room. I suppose I'm the black sheep, but I'm not harboring hidden urges to be accepted back into the fold. Honestly, the idea of reconstructing some sort of mother-daughter relationship at this time sounds like so much more complications that I don't need. I don't want to hash things out, I don't want to air laundry. Phone lines and the mail service go both ways, and I was the one left with the metaphorical dial tone in my ear. I hung up last.
There is the possibility that the whiff of mortality has reminded her that there is one more daughter out in the world, a major loose end of life. She's 74 years old. If I hang up on the old lady who gave me birth because she decides that she needs to tell me how our relationship should have gone, and if I then don't feel bad about it, that's OK, right?
Cass, it's damn near unbearable right now, isn't it? *Physically.* Like, if you could literally climb out of your skin and leave it in a pile on the carpet maybe that would help the jitters and the hell of being stuck inside yourself right now?
I've been there. And it *is* damn near unbearable. It's insanity, really, and the 7th ring of hell all rolled into one.
Here's the thing: You'll get through it. You absolutely will. It will suck at the beginning, so hard that you'll want to do that climbing-out-of-your-skin thing. But you are a strong woman, and you have people who love you who will be strong for you when you can't be. But you will get through it, a day -- or an hour, or a minute -- at a time. And on the other side you'll be healed, and it will be good. I promise you.
ION --
Hec, I cannot believe you woke up at 4AM to call Teppy.
It filled me with evil glee. And, later the fatigue.
You deserved the fatigue, you crazy crazy man.
If I hang up on the old lady who gave me birth because she decides that she needs to tell me how our relationship should have gone, and if I then don't feel bad about it, that's OK, right?
Sounds more than OK to me, connie. If you give it another shot and the situation hasn't changed, nothing wrong in cutting your losses.
Blast, my catch up before bed (said bed being delayed to post this) is interrupted in the happiest way by a P-C post.
Now that I know you're safe, Mr. Cow, I shall retire and sleep the rest of the night away.
Glad you're home.
Yay, P-Cow has returned to us!
I have this theory percolating in my brain on what it can mean to be soul mates, and truly know someone else's soul. It is very dark right now. Which is skewed because I honestly believe that you can have that and have it be a really positive thing. Hell, I think I've even seen it in other people. Rarely, but I have.
One of the Useful Concepts I got from my divorce book was the idea of Negative Intimacy (and also, more applicable in my case, Neutral Intimacy). That deep knowledge of somebody can get flipped pretty quickly during a separation - crazy mirror world where the love becomes contempt and the trust is pain.
P-C!!!! Hi!! We missed you!!!!
Could I possilby abuse punctuation more than that? I'm not even going to try.
Sunil!!! Yay! We've missed you very much.
edit:
And I'm crashing, so off to bed I go. I'm glad to see you again!
