Bev! Save your FF miles and come to Florence with me.

I had the claustgrophobia attack trying to walk westward in Manhattan's midtown, aged about 14. I got caught in a human traffic jam; everyone else on that side of the street was walking east, it was lunchtime, and I literally got cemented between people who would not move. I was being buffeted, touched without thought by a thousand faceless strangers, and I suddenly flipped the hell out and began screaming and lashing out: let go of me you motherfuckers let GO stop TOUCHING ME. Everyone parted, just slightly enough to let me through, and I ran into a doorway and stood there shaking. The thing was, no one met my eyes, no one said a word, no one looked surprised. I never came close to that level of pure violent panic again, I'm not particularly claustrophobic and never have been, but that really was my camel's-back moment. I knew I needed out: the city's personality and mine were not cohering.

Until this last trip back in May, when I stayed with Jess, every trip back to NY had been nightmares of tension and bad luck. This time, I took the deep breath getting off the train, and I was fine. I had a very enjoyable trip back, I was able to do the city the justice I couldn't do it before.

I still couldn't live in it - it brings too many parts of me that I dislike too close to the surface. But for the first time since 1970, I could say yep, I'm having a really good time, this is fine, I can look ahead and do this again and actively enjoy the idea.

How much of that was due to the people I was staying with and seeing, I don't know. But I'm betting rather a lot.

Her next visit should be all in the center. Start at the headwaters of the Mississippi and follow it all the way down. Galena, IL (home town of U.S. Grant), Hannibal, MO (home of Samuel Clemons) and on down. Maybe stop in some bigger cities like St. Louis and Memphis, ending in NOLA.

And Ann Arbor! Where she can see...um...uh...lots of bookstores. And ninjas and gold.

Allyson, I know that post was in English, but I honestly couldn't parse it. What? I haven't seen you taking any credit at all, genuinely not enough. And I don't want an accounting. I probably wouldn't glance at it. I sent a few bucks, Nilly came here, I did the Snoopy dance, that's all she wrote.

edit: Hil, yep. You don't know what it was like in the sixties, and I don't know what it was like in the eighties or nineties or whatever. It's just different strokes, and hell, that makes the world bounce around nicely.

of course anyone could have taken the donations and laid a bit of groundwork.

Anyone could have done any number of things -- not everyone did, and it's not just the potential to accomplish that counts, it's also actually having done it.

Stands in corner with deb.

Allyson, from everything I've seen, these thank-yous are 100% deserved, as are thanks to everyone who gave, hosted, planned, et al. You did a fantastic job with this.

I've had the similar things happen in midtown. I've mostly figured out how to walk around midtown to avoid getting caught in crowds that big, but it still happens sometimes. Usually, when I've got friends from out of town visiting, I try to avoid showing them midtown until we've done a whole bunch of other parts of the city first, since pretty much everybody I know has gotten that "too many people!" reaction there at least once. (One of my friends had that reaction to Greenwich Village. I was planning to just forget about midtown after that, but then there was one time that we had to go through, and I've never seen her that freaked before or since.)

What I mean to say is, of course anyone could have taken the donations and laid a bit of groundwork. I'm certainly not special in this regard, and apologize if I've hurt anyone's feelings by appearing to take far too much credit.

You know, I couldn't contribute to Nillyfest when it came up, so it's not my business about the accounting, or whatever. I can't get over that enough money was raised to make this such a tour, rather than a one-stop visit. I am so grateful to everyone who made this come together. But Allyson, I haven't seen you accept any credit at all, not even what is due you. Over and over again, you've mentioned what a gift it was, and how it was Noise, or Kristen, or Tim, or all the wonderful people who chipped in. Really, Allyson.

Heh. It was less the "too many people" than a) the fact that none of them would give an inch, and b) the violence of my own reaction. Basically, I realised that I couldn'ty stay emotionally healthy in that headspace; believe me, it really doesn't take much to turn me into a screaming vicious bitch. I can't be anyplace that does that to me on a regular basis. It's not the city's fault, it's my own problem.

I have to except Paris from my big city thing, maybe because it really is eclectic, maybe because it's just so damned beautiful, maybe because unlike the rest of the world I love the Parisians and have never had a problem there, or maybe just because it totally suits my love of the raised eyebrow "compete? why on earth? we are PARIS!" thing.

What I mean to say is, of course anyone could have taken the donations and laid a bit of groundwork. I'm certainly not special in this regard, and apologize if I've hurt anyone's feelings by appearing to take far too much credit.

Allyson, I think you are under the misapprehension that everybody has your superpowers. But you are Make It Happen Girl, and you made this happen, like you've made so many other things happen (Annual Review, LA F2F, innumerable charities, Save Firefly). True - some other people probably could have organized it, and gotten through all the ticketing and visas and planning. But they didn't have to because...you Made It Happen.

It's what you do.

Many people contributed. It was certainly a community effort and outpouring. But I think we all understand that you were Make It Happen Girl.