But... August. It's like a rule.

I don't live there but I tragically mis-packed once when I went to a conference in San Francisco during August.

I was FREEZING. Every moment of every day.

We in California have a very casual relationship with rules.

Are you wearing YOUR leather pants?

This? This is what they should be saying in the Capital One commercials. Wackiness, and then someone turns to the camera and asks, "What's in your leather pants?"

Incidentally, for anybody headed to San Francisco here are the food listings from the recent Best of the Bay to whet your appetite.

For example, here's a good one for Jen upon her arrival:

Best Fancy, Fancy Date Restaurant with No Dead Animals (or Their Effluvia) Anywhere

Taking a vegan out to a fancy dinner can be an arduous undertaking, because in most circles "fancy" means meat, butter, and cream. Even vegetarian restaurants tend to ladle on the dairy products, and no one wants to watch his or her vegan sweetie politely pick their way through a $22 salad and a side of asparagus because the entrée menu is animal-based fluids on parade. Which is why we're so grateful for the existence of Millennium, especially since it moved from Howard Johnson's to the Savoy Hotel. The old location always felt a little too ’80s yuppie serial killer, while the food was delicious but served in tiny portions, with acres of white plate stretching out on either side and those poncey drizzles all over everything. The new location manages to feel impressively swank yet cozy, and the food is more substantial but still innovative and remarkable. The foxy wait staff are as they always were: suave, competent, and not in the least like waiter droids. The sight of a bartender shaking up a martini behind the long, dark-wood bar with sleeves rolled up and tribal tattoos showing always reminds us how glad we are to live in San Francisco. 580 Geary, S.F. (415) 345-3900.

and for the Germanic amongst us...

Best Foggy Weather Comfort Food

What is it about cheese spätzle and dark beer that makes the summertime fog so much less oppressive? Yes, when it comes to coping with the worst of San Francisco's weather at least there's Suppenküche: rich and hearty food, sassy staff, and massive German beers will quickly cause you to forget which climate zone you're in. A perennial favorite for more than 11 years, Suppenküche continues to serve up Deutschland's finest, from chicken schnitzel to sauerbraten. And true to its name, the restaurant continues to serve a daily variety of four soups: further proof that the Germans are experts in fending off the cold. Sit down at the rough-hewn wooden tables for a Sunday brunch of delicious potato pancakes and a farmer's omelet the size of a Nerf football (well ... it seems that way after you've finished). 525 Laguna, S.F. (415) 252-9289.

peat drinkers

Best Place to Buy Scotch

Good ol' Trader Joe's has never been short on bargains, but when it comes to its prices on Scotland's best, you simply can't do much better. With $40 bottles of top-shelf standards like Glenlivet going for a mere $20.99, there's no excuse for ever drinking the cheap stuff again. From Dalmore and Dalwhinnie to Glenmoragie and Glenfiddich, the selection is so high in quality that we can all now become whisky connoisseurs in no time. If Scotch isn't your poison, there are plenty of other affordable options for setting you on the fast track to a Sunday hangover. Cheers! 555 Ninth St., S.F. (415) 863-1292; 3 Masonic, S.F. (415) 346-9964.

comfort food and BBQ

Best Macaroni and Cheese with Sake at a Barbecue Joint

Carnivores — and sake aficionados — already sing the praises of Memphis Minnie's. Not surprisingly, the menu holds few options for vegetarians, but that shouldn't keep non-meat-eaters from entering Minnie's pig memorabilia–festooned environs. Here's why: the macaroni and cheese is freaking amazing. If you're not afraid of excess dairy and starch (or curious looks from the next table, which will inevitably be filled with people inhaling plates of ribs), step up and order a large side of mac ’n’ cheese. Screw those add-water packets of orange powder and pitiful shreds of pasta you lived on in college — Minnie's mac is serious business. A finer mingling of noodle, creamy sauce, and crusty bread-crumb goodness cannot be found, so pick up a fork and prepare yourself for a carbohydrate coma. And to wash it down: sake! Though the Japanese rice wine has made inroads on tasting menus at Masa's and Thomas Keller's New York restaurant Per Se, this is the first barbecue joint we've heard of that hawks the stuff. Lurking behind Minnie's Formica counter are up to six selections of sake. The $8 sampler includes an example from each of the three major sake styles — junmai, ginjo, and daiginjo — so you can learn which flavor profile strikes your fancy. Forget about Charles Phan's Cal-Asian fusion at Slanted Door, the latest East-meets-West trend is to pair artisanal sake with artisanal barbecue. 576 Haight, S.F. (415) 864-7675.

self explanatory

Best Cookies in the Shape of a Hat

For years our cruel stepsisters kept us on a diet of stale Hydrox cookies and crushed Mallomars, so tonight we're sneaking across Golden Gate Park to the Cinderella Russian Bakery to get our hands on what are far and away the most charming hamantaschen in the city. Nestled in a greasy display case packed with fried pierogies and flaky potato dumplings is a pile of tricornered, hat-shaped cookies, stuffed with prune, apricot, raspberry, or poppy seed fillings. Dark Russian breads and heavily frosted pastries are also available, along with take-out servings of stuffed cabbage and meat pie. At some point we'd like to stop in for a sit-down meal in the attached restaurant, but tonight we're just here for the cookies. Besides, if we don't make it home by midnight, our car might turn into a pumpernickel. 463 Balboa, S.F. (415) 751-9690.

But... August. It's like a rule.

Which we of the going to Western Pennsylvania in mid August persuasion will be sweltering in.

The SF fog-chasing August sounds wonderful.

You are dead to me, Hec.

(Says she, finishing her microwave chicken soup that will probably be the best thing I eat all day.)

But wait...there's more.

Best Sign of Gender Equality

Trannyshack, the long-running Tuesday drag night at the Stud, is more than just a sexy, hilarious, fun, offensive, and often messy party. It's also far ahead of the curve in terms of drag gender equality. The entertainment, and the crowd, has come a long way from boys in dresses lip-synching torch songs. Drag kings have been sharing the stage with the queens for a while now. But the past couple years have also seen a flowering of faux kings and faux queens, dressed to overblown archetypal excess in the trappings of their own assigned and more or less accepted gender. And the symbolic ringing-in of the new era came last summer with the crowning of Fauxnique as Miss Trannyshack 2003, the first faux queen ever to take the title. This could be the beginning of a new view of gender equality, in which given and expressed gender become completely uncoupled. Because what matters most at Trannyshack isn't how you were born or what form you take on any other given night, but how fabulous (or freaky) you get while working it onstage. Stud, 399 Ninth St., S.F. (415) 252-STUD, www.heklina.com.

Best Drag Queen Limousine

You could go into macho hyperspeed and rent that 20-person SUV for a night of clubbing, or you could arrive in style in Pink Lady Limousine's hot-pink stretch Lincoln Town Car, with a pink, fluffy, shag interior, seating for six, and a fabulous drag queen tour guide along for the ride. Like it's even a choice? For the standard rate the Pink Lady comes equipped with a full bar and a stereo system. And for those interested in the deluxe treatment, owner Freetah B. (hostess of the S.F. public-access show Freetah B. in the City) or one of her charming acquaintances will take you on a drag-club tour of San Francisco, VIP-access privileges included. The business has been up and running for a year, and Freetah says it's especially popular with bachelorette parties, teenage girls, and gay men who act like them. She expects to add a second car to the fleet this summer to accommodate the high demand for fabulous transportation. (415) 859-0843, www.pinkladylimo.com.

when Erin or Fay comes to town we'll have to do this

Best Alternaqueer Club Night Promoters

Glam couple Adrian and the Mysterious D throw three parties, and each is its own special freak show. At the monthly Bootie, for example, drag queens dress like pirates from outer space, and the soundtrack is entirely driven by bootleg mash-ups (e.g., the unholy union of Madonna and Deep Purple). The Guilty crowd Fridays at the Stud is met with danceable rock and more bootlegs, everybody dances, and half of everybody has taken his or her clothes off by night's end. The Cinch's Saturday-night bar party, Smashed, is a mellower affair whose (ir)regulars are a fifty-fifty mix of dirty gay trendoids and older men from the era when Polk was the hot gay part of town. There, Adrian and the Mysterious D play whatever they frickin' feel like between joining the crowd for shots at the bar. Whatever party the two are promoting, however, is a sure bet for a strange crowd and a good time. Bootie, second Wednesdays, Cherry Bar and Lounge, 917 Folsom, S.F. www.bootiesf.com; Guilty, Fridays, Stud, 399 Ninth St., S.F. www.guiltysf.com; Smashed, Saturdays, Cinch, 1723 Polk, S.F. www.thecinch.com.

Man, we really need to go to Bootie.

Which we of the going to Western Pennsylvania in mid August persuasion will be sweltering in.

Come, JohnSweden, cry on my shoulder.

Hec, stop it. You're making me very jealous and angry and I can't leave Boston for another two years.

But Emily you'll be missing...

Best Film Noir Festival

It's official. 'Noir City' is now the biggest, most heavily attended film noir festival in the country. Head honcho (and author of Dark City: The Lost World of Film Noir and other fine titles) Eddie Muller is mum on the details for "Noir City 3" — he wouldn't tell us the theme even after we broke a few of his fingers with a hammer. But we did get him to admit these facts: it will be (where else?) at the Castro Theatre, Jan. 14 through 27; a big-name noir actor will make an appearance opening night; and the program will include a spine-tingling 27 films, undoubtedly an excellent mix of acknowledged classics, quality genre efforts, some genuine obscurities, and a few legitimate rediscoveries. A few "lost" films mysteriously dropped from earlier "Noir City"s are slotted for screening ("Crawford fans rejoice," Muller mutters enigmatically). And this year passes go on sale in December. We know what we want to find in our stockings. www.noircity.com.

Best Free Film Noir

Several times a year a shadowy group of film noir aficionados operating as the Danger and Despair Knitting Circle — a reference, for novices, to Out of the Past — surfaces on Thursdays nights to screen classic, offbeat, and plain obscure film noir for everyone's favorite admission price: free! It's strictly an underground operation — reservations are mandatory, and most screenings take place in vacant downtown offices — but we have no complaints. The chairs are comfortable, most prints are 16mm, and the stuff they show ... Many of the titles never even made it to DVD or video: the recent "Poverty Row" series included a few films that survive only in the archives of private 16mm collectors. This summer expect a brace of precode crime films, followed by fall's "Film Noir of 1941: A Look at the Gateway Year" and winter's "The Red Scare: Those Nasty Commies in Film Noir." Looks like our Thursday nights are booked for the year. E-mail screenings@hotmail.com or call (415) 552-1533. www.noirfilm.com.