You are dead to me, Hec.

(Says she, finishing her microwave chicken soup that will probably be the best thing I eat all day.)

But wait...there's more.

Best Sign of Gender Equality

Trannyshack, the long-running Tuesday drag night at the Stud, is more than just a sexy, hilarious, fun, offensive, and often messy party. It's also far ahead of the curve in terms of drag gender equality. The entertainment, and the crowd, has come a long way from boys in dresses lip-synching torch songs. Drag kings have been sharing the stage with the queens for a while now. But the past couple years have also seen a flowering of faux kings and faux queens, dressed to overblown archetypal excess in the trappings of their own assigned and more or less accepted gender. And the symbolic ringing-in of the new era came last summer with the crowning of Fauxnique as Miss Trannyshack 2003, the first faux queen ever to take the title. This could be the beginning of a new view of gender equality, in which given and expressed gender become completely uncoupled. Because what matters most at Trannyshack isn't how you were born or what form you take on any other given night, but how fabulous (or freaky) you get while working it onstage. Stud, 399 Ninth St., S.F. (415) 252-STUD, www.heklina.com.

Best Drag Queen Limousine

You could go into macho hyperspeed and rent that 20-person SUV for a night of clubbing, or you could arrive in style in Pink Lady Limousine's hot-pink stretch Lincoln Town Car, with a pink, fluffy, shag interior, seating for six, and a fabulous drag queen tour guide along for the ride. Like it's even a choice? For the standard rate the Pink Lady comes equipped with a full bar and a stereo system. And for those interested in the deluxe treatment, owner Freetah B. (hostess of the S.F. public-access show Freetah B. in the City) or one of her charming acquaintances will take you on a drag-club tour of San Francisco, VIP-access privileges included. The business has been up and running for a year, and Freetah says it's especially popular with bachelorette parties, teenage girls, and gay men who act like them. She expects to add a second car to the fleet this summer to accommodate the high demand for fabulous transportation. (415) 859-0843, www.pinkladylimo.com.

when Erin or Fay comes to town we'll have to do this

Best Alternaqueer Club Night Promoters

Glam couple Adrian and the Mysterious D throw three parties, and each is its own special freak show. At the monthly Bootie, for example, drag queens dress like pirates from outer space, and the soundtrack is entirely driven by bootleg mash-ups (e.g., the unholy union of Madonna and Deep Purple). The Guilty crowd Fridays at the Stud is met with danceable rock and more bootlegs, everybody dances, and half of everybody has taken his or her clothes off by night's end. The Cinch's Saturday-night bar party, Smashed, is a mellower affair whose (ir)regulars are a fifty-fifty mix of dirty gay trendoids and older men from the era when Polk was the hot gay part of town. There, Adrian and the Mysterious D play whatever they frickin' feel like between joining the crowd for shots at the bar. Whatever party the two are promoting, however, is a sure bet for a strange crowd and a good time. Bootie, second Wednesdays, Cherry Bar and Lounge, 917 Folsom, S.F. www.bootiesf.com; Guilty, Fridays, Stud, 399 Ninth St., S.F. www.guiltysf.com; Smashed, Saturdays, Cinch, 1723 Polk, S.F. www.thecinch.com.

Man, we really need to go to Bootie.

Which we of the going to Western Pennsylvania in mid August persuasion will be sweltering in.

Come, JohnSweden, cry on my shoulder.

Hec, stop it. You're making me very jealous and angry and I can't leave Boston for another two years.

But Emily you'll be missing...

Best Film Noir Festival

It's official. 'Noir City' is now the biggest, most heavily attended film noir festival in the country. Head honcho (and author of Dark City: The Lost World of Film Noir and other fine titles) Eddie Muller is mum on the details for "Noir City 3" — he wouldn't tell us the theme even after we broke a few of his fingers with a hammer. But we did get him to admit these facts: it will be (where else?) at the Castro Theatre, Jan. 14 through 27; a big-name noir actor will make an appearance opening night; and the program will include a spine-tingling 27 films, undoubtedly an excellent mix of acknowledged classics, quality genre efforts, some genuine obscurities, and a few legitimate rediscoveries. A few "lost" films mysteriously dropped from earlier "Noir City"s are slotted for screening ("Crawford fans rejoice," Muller mutters enigmatically). And this year passes go on sale in December. We know what we want to find in our stockings. www.noircity.com.

Best Free Film Noir

Several times a year a shadowy group of film noir aficionados operating as the Danger and Despair Knitting Circle — a reference, for novices, to Out of the Past — surfaces on Thursdays nights to screen classic, offbeat, and plain obscure film noir for everyone's favorite admission price: free! It's strictly an underground operation — reservations are mandatory, and most screenings take place in vacant downtown offices — but we have no complaints. The chairs are comfortable, most prints are 16mm, and the stuff they show ... Many of the titles never even made it to DVD or video: the recent "Poverty Row" series included a few films that survive only in the archives of private 16mm collectors. This summer expect a brace of precode crime films, followed by fall's "Film Noir of 1941: A Look at the Gateway Year" and winter's "The Red Scare: Those Nasty Commies in Film Noir." Looks like our Thursday nights are booked for the year. E-mail screenings@hotmail.com or call (415) 552-1533. www.noirfilm.com.

Sean! I sent you email, which you need to answer.

Hec, what about Zam Zam? Ya gotta say something about Zam Zam!

Hec, what about Zam Zam? Ya gotta say something about Zam Zam!

Fantastic martinis, tiny place with a Persian theme, beautiful old horseshoe shaped bar. It's fab.

So, you're saying I should bring, like, socks, to SF? And a jacket? Real clothes, instead of just surviving through the August swelter minimal decent covering? Cool! And Kewl!

For those who are asking, Nilly's airfare total is about $1500, and we collected $3050.

That should be plentiful for walking around money and trainfare, given that Nilly has no lodging worries.

Deb, I'll forward you her itinerary.