August is evil hot.

San. Fran. Cis. Co.

You should move to SF.

I'm starting to consider it much more seriously. Bit of an epiphany last night.

August is evil hot.

San. Fran. Cis. Co.

Are you wearing YOUR leather pants?

Are you wearing YOUR leather pants?

I'm certainly bringing them. I imagine there's a very very tiny chance it could actually be hot, but not enough of a chance to not bring the pants.

I don't trust you people. August is evil hot.

Ahem. Need I pull out the Eddie?

And you don’t tell tourists about the weather in July and August. You don’t fucking tell anyone. They’re all going around in summer shirts, going, “Jesus Christ! I can’t see! I can’t see! Fog! There’s fog!” And it really shifts it, your fog! I saw John Carpenter’s film, “The Fog,” seen it a few times, and that fog shifts it. I thought, “Well, that’s Hollywood, that’s fog moving really fast,” but your fog is that speed! ( mimes running ) Busy, busy, busy! It could be late to get in someone’s face somewhere! It runs down the road, doesn’t it? Faster than the fucking taxis! Of which there are five…

But... August. It's like a rule.

I don't live there but I tragically mis-packed once when I went to a conference in San Francisco during August.

I was FREEZING. Every moment of every day.

We in California have a very casual relationship with rules.

Are you wearing YOUR leather pants?

This? This is what they should be saying in the Capital One commercials. Wackiness, and then someone turns to the camera and asks, "What's in your leather pants?"

Incidentally, for anybody headed to San Francisco here are the food listings from the recent Best of the Bay to whet your appetite.

For example, here's a good one for Jen upon her arrival:

Best Fancy, Fancy Date Restaurant with No Dead Animals (or Their Effluvia) Anywhere

Taking a vegan out to a fancy dinner can be an arduous undertaking, because in most circles "fancy" means meat, butter, and cream. Even vegetarian restaurants tend to ladle on the dairy products, and no one wants to watch his or her vegan sweetie politely pick their way through a $22 salad and a side of asparagus because the entrée menu is animal-based fluids on parade. Which is why we're so grateful for the existence of Millennium, especially since it moved from Howard Johnson's to the Savoy Hotel. The old location always felt a little too ’80s yuppie serial killer, while the food was delicious but served in tiny portions, with acres of white plate stretching out on either side and those poncey drizzles all over everything. The new location manages to feel impressively swank yet cozy, and the food is more substantial but still innovative and remarkable. The foxy wait staff are as they always were: suave, competent, and not in the least like waiter droids. The sight of a bartender shaking up a martini behind the long, dark-wood bar with sleeves rolled up and tribal tattoos showing always reminds us how glad we are to live in San Francisco. 580 Geary, S.F. (415) 345-3900.

and for the Germanic amongst us...

Best Foggy Weather Comfort Food

What is it about cheese spätzle and dark beer that makes the summertime fog so much less oppressive? Yes, when it comes to coping with the worst of San Francisco's weather at least there's Suppenküche: rich and hearty food, sassy staff, and massive German beers will quickly cause you to forget which climate zone you're in. A perennial favorite for more than 11 years, Suppenküche continues to serve up Deutschland's finest, from chicken schnitzel to sauerbraten. And true to its name, the restaurant continues to serve a daily variety of four soups: further proof that the Germans are experts in fending off the cold. Sit down at the rough-hewn wooden tables for a Sunday brunch of delicious potato pancakes and a farmer's omelet the size of a Nerf football (well ... it seems that way after you've finished). 525 Laguna, S.F. (415) 252-9289.

peat drinkers

Best Place to Buy Scotch

Good ol' Trader Joe's has never been short on bargains, but when it comes to its prices on Scotland's best, you simply can't do much better. With $40 bottles of top-shelf standards like Glenlivet going for a mere $20.99, there's no excuse for ever drinking the cheap stuff again. From Dalmore and Dalwhinnie to Glenmoragie and Glenfiddich, the selection is so high in quality that we can all now become whisky connoisseurs in no time. If Scotch isn't your poison, there are plenty of other affordable options for setting you on the fast track to a Sunday hangover. Cheers! 555 Ninth St., S.F. (415) 863-1292; 3 Masonic, S.F. (415) 346-9964.

comfort food and BBQ

Best Macaroni and Cheese with Sake at a Barbecue Joint

Carnivores — and sake aficionados — already sing the praises of Memphis Minnie's. Not surprisingly, the menu holds few options for vegetarians, but that shouldn't keep non-meat-eaters from entering Minnie's pig memorabilia–festooned environs. Here's why: the macaroni and cheese is freaking amazing. If you're not afraid of excess dairy and starch (or curious looks from the next table, which will inevitably be filled with people inhaling plates of ribs), step up and order a large side of mac ’n’ cheese. Screw those add-water packets of orange powder and pitiful shreds of pasta you lived on in college — Minnie's mac is serious business. A finer mingling of noodle, creamy sauce, and crusty bread-crumb goodness cannot be found, so pick up a fork and prepare yourself for a carbohydrate coma. And to wash it down: sake! Though the Japanese rice wine has made inroads on tasting menus at Masa's and Thomas Keller's New York restaurant Per Se, this is the first barbecue joint we've heard of that hawks the stuff. Lurking behind Minnie's Formica counter are up to six selections of sake. The $8 sampler includes an example from each of the three major sake styles — junmai, ginjo, and daiginjo — so you can learn which flavor profile strikes your fancy. Forget about Charles Phan's Cal-Asian fusion at Slanted Door, the latest East-meets-West trend is to pair artisanal sake with artisanal barbecue. 576 Haight, S.F. (415) 864-7675.

self explanatory

Best Cookies in the Shape of a Hat

For years our cruel stepsisters kept us on a diet of stale Hydrox cookies and crushed Mallomars, so tonight we're sneaking across Golden Gate Park to the Cinderella Russian Bakery to get our hands on what are far and away the most charming hamantaschen in the city. Nestled in a greasy display case packed with fried pierogies and flaky potato dumplings is a pile of tricornered, hat-shaped cookies, stuffed with prune, apricot, raspberry, or poppy seed fillings. Dark Russian breads and heavily frosted pastries are also available, along with take-out servings of stuffed cabbage and meat pie. At some point we'd like to stop in for a sit-down meal in the attached restaurant, but tonight we're just here for the cookies. Besides, if we don't make it home by midnight, our car might turn into a pumpernickel. 463 Balboa, S.F. (415) 751-9690.