So, toward the end of 2022 my father died.
At the beginning of 2023 I took mom on a once in a lifetime sort of trip and thank God I did.
Between COVID, moving during COVID, and the strike, the coffers are bare. Acting has been tabled for the foreseeable future. I have gotten a full time gig at a fancy pants law firm. This is exquisitely painful.
Mom was diagnosed with cancer and has come to live with me so she can be treated at a world class cancer center so I’m pretty grateful to have a good income, soul-selling notwithstanding.
Caring for mom has taken over me emotionally and I have become much less present in the lives of everyone - here and in meat space. My emotional padding has been worn away and other people’s pain shatters me. I cannot watch the news without weeping. Even lurking is usually too much to bear. I keep track of you all, however, via a little bird or two who give me the bullet points. You are all very much in my heart.
(FYI, I am ok. Therapy is twice a week and my family is working well together in caring for mom - I’m just flat out of emotional spoons.)
Oh, Trudy. That's all so hard. And I truly get what you mean about the erosion of emotional padding. I wish you and your mom whatever ease can be found in a difficult time.
What Pix said, Trudy. Spoons are thin on the ground these days. There doesn't seem to be a surplus.
I've...been on a sort of emotional sabbatical for the last few months: dealing with changing physical abilities and also mental and emotional engagement limits. It's been difficult, but necessary, since it insisted on happening whether I was willing to consciously participate or not. I seem to have made my peace with several things, and to be emerging from self-imposed quarrantine. I don't promise to be more involved, but I'ma give it a good try.
I love you all and this place and I miss you when I'm not here. Good things and an easier time for all of us--Forth, Eolingas!
I wish I could know what it's like to have a life where I'm not just holding on. Again.(Which, in my...population is something of a diamond-shoes complaint cause some of my generation's best minds don't have that, even, and they might deserve it even more than I do.) But here I still am, wondering what thriving might feel like and knowing I'll never really earn the saddest bit of praise, ever, which is the only one saved for female-identified disabled people:
She Asks For So Little.
I might have been born under that sign, but something in me said it would rather take its chances on the fuckin' boat.
My year has been another of changes.
When we last left off at Jan 2023 I was hopeful that there would be progress with my worker's comp and concussion stuff. I finally got a glasses prescription but worker's comp never authorized to pay for the glasses (and actually I still haven't gotten the prescription filled). There was lots of drama and back and forth and it came down to a settlement. The company I worked for wanted to settle and they also didn't want me working there anymore. I was disheartened by this, because although there were issues (especially with safety) I had invested 6 ish years and was paid decently and had a small bump in PTO. Plus I liked my job and didn't want to really change. I pushed back a couple of times and ended up getting about twice as much as what they were originally offering. I paid off my debt and have a cushion now.
In ironies I was supposed to be terminated in July but because of the worker's comp insurance's failure to communicate and my previous company waiting for some kind of information from them I wasn't terminated until Sept. I only hired a lawyer because I couldn't ever communicate with them and find anything out. I didn't actually find out this happened until mid October and by that time I was 5 weeks a way until my new insurance kicked in so I didn't have to deal with COBRA.
I got a new job. I work at Wal Mart. Not what I thought I'd be doing and I took a pay cut of about $2/hour. But benefits are cheaper so what comes out of my pay check for all my benefits (including 401IK) is less than what was deducted just for my health insurance previously. Although I was kind of optimistic and picked the mid range plan and I may regret that choice but I've been fairly healthy overall so I took a chance.
The positives about my new job: set schedule (although my days off are currently fluctuating due to someone leaving) I work 9-6 , am supposed to have the same days off AND I take my breaks at the same time every day. Which I like. We get 15 min paid breaks , which never happened previously. Safety is a big priority and I haven't found anyone at my current store who has been injured at work enough to deal with worker's comp (compared to previously when just in my team there was 4 of us plus a few other people in the store). Wal Mart also pays for college. I haven't decided what I'm goign to do with that. They do offer a short kind of intro to college set of classes that would be the first thing I did if I opted to do that...which I'm not doing yet.
I am still adjusting to working full time after 2 years of either not working or only working 12 hours a week.
In the summer I started volunteering at the creative reuse center which was awesome and I want to volunteer some more but my schedule hasn't worked out for that. I made a real in person friend, we share some crafty interests and were getting together several times a month to hang out and craft but unfortunately do the holidays and work we haven't been able to.
I've been slowly developing a relationship with my brother. He told me at Thanksgiving he was getting evaluated for ADHD and how much he's struggled over the years and didn't realize how bad it was when he was using me as a comparison. We don't talk or text regularly but it's more than what we had before and that's good.
Mom needs knee replacement surgery this year I think. She spent a lot of time in Florida dealing with my aunt and my cousin's son. My aunt got moved into assisted living and then ended up falling and breaking her hip. She had surgery but afterwards had complications and her health rapidly declined and she passed away. I wasn't close to her and she could be difficult and I was mostly relieved that mom wouldn't have to deal so much with her life, except now Mom is the executor of her will and dealing with all of that. My cousin's son went into a good foster home, then got kicked out of it, then went into another foster home and at one point a group home. He has the best start to the new year though-- due to some really movie storyline magic (including an accidental text) --he is now living with relatives on the other side of the family. My cousin's other cousin who is a children's rights lawyer. They took him to Dragon Con in the fall and now he is living with them and she has guardianship and so hopefully 2024 will be a good start for him.
M and I are still doing well. I think me going back to work and not having the stress of worker's comp and stuff has helped me which has helped things. M's mom fell and damaged her back (she had fractured it and I think refractured it) she was supposed to have surgery but that has been delayed. She's been more difficult due to her pain levels but she must be getting better because she hasn't been acting as badly as she was.
I've been doign a lot of creative things but not producing a lot of finished pieces. I'm trying to change that for 2024.
Hello all you gorgeous beings
Best wishes for a tolerable 2024!
I can't form a narrative at the moment but it's been too long since I told you all I love you and I'm glad you're in my life
Just in & reading all the 3023 wrap ups. It was certainly a year.
I found myself chased out of an apartment that upon reflection wasn’t good for me anyway. It was extremely damp. So damp it was moldy. Hopefully now that it is unoccupied the landlords will be dealing with it.
I kept falling behind in my meds so that even though I lost enough weight that my blood pressure dropped & I got taken off one of my prescriptions- my blood sugar went kerfluie & my doctor prescribed ozempic which makes me nauseous & lacking in appetite. Do I eat only when I feel hungry? Will not eating at regular intervals make my head swim? I don’t know.
The new apartment is full of light. Still completely disorganized. . . I am trying to not be discouraged by that. The light does make me happy.
I feel like I am still coming out from under depression & am trying to recover things that make me happy. This includes all of you here on our native board where I don’t visit nearly often enough.
Hoping that this Year of the Dragon will be a good one.
A new light filled apartment sounds great Sumi! I hope it is the start of other great things also!
That sounds like a good start to 2024, especially the part of seeing you more in these parts.
