I know I've missed some important things, but, essentially, this place is always in my mind and in my heart.

Same, and also with not having spoons to post. It’s validating and also very sad to see so many folks feel the same. I feel like I am out of sync with pretty much everyone.

My boss and I ran out of patience with each other at the same time on Weds and I got sent home until Monday. I “wasn’t needed on site” and there was “no shop work”. I know the company is at a very critical position financially but, uh, so am I. R still doesn’t know when they will get paid, or how much exactly it will be. So losing half a week’s pay right now is very not good.

I have a hard time asking for what I need without sounding like an asshole, apparently, and then it all builds up until I explode. And I feel like I’m not allowed to be angry. Not allowed to have specific needs. Just have to accept whatever help and support other people want to give me. Even if it isn’t effective or wanted or actually reduces my agency.

Well shit. When I start I can’t stop.

Today is my mentor’s memorial. It’s being called an After Party and there will be a waffle bar in addition to shrimp boil and hamburger’s hot dogs. I got asked to clean up the hosting yard. Three hours, about 10 lbs of dog shit, scrubbed chairs and tables and raked the whole damn thing. And I kept trying to feel the joy of service, and I don’t generally mind dirty jobs, but all I could feel is rage. I have been simmering with rage for weeks.

Dammit. Again, I was not trying to go that deep.

I think I have hit my limit on this year’s bullshit. I just am done with everything.

IOW, I would also like to attend a Buffista retreat. God I wish I had money for a real spa vacation.

Maybe I need to get back to reading and posting on a laptop, so I can Meara easier. IDK.

I have been simmering with rage for weeks.

I'm sorry, smonster. That sounds like just too much pile-up.

Still buried here, blah. Still haven't unpacked. Work overload. I've been home a week and haven't been in the pool or walked across the street to the beach. I did at least get my nails done so that was nice.

Tomorrow a friend who moved to Vegas a few years ago is visiting and staying in Miami Beach so she arranged a brunch, at a restaurant in Miami Beach, on Sunday at 11. I'm going, but I dread the traffic. The picture of the restaurant shows valet signs out front so maybe I'll be able to park. Ugh. I wish I could get enthused.

Maybe I need to get back to reading and posting on a laptop, so I can Meara easie

I feel like this is a large part of it for me. I’m hardly ever even reading on my iPad, but it’s so much easier to type on a laptop, and to be cutting and pasting and going through rather than just reading. It’s a huge part of why I never post on dream width even though I read frequently.

Also smonster that sounds sucky. Both the work situation and the cleaning up a yard jeez. That’s the sort of thing that’s much easier to feel of service if other people are doing the dirty job at the same time.

Love and hugs all around! ((((((Buffistas)))))

and I too, want a grilled cheese.

I saw the personal trainer yesterday, I am unpacking boxes today. I would like a glittery star sticker and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I would like a glittery star sticker and a grilled cheese sandwich.

:: biffs order and hands Jilli a star shaped grilled cheese sandwich::

I have complicated feelings about an encounter today. Wistful, sad, hopeful.

I've talked about Matilda reconnecting with her friend Norah, and Norah's mother Hannah (who helped care for Jacqueline during hospice).

But Norah isn't the only friend Matilda lost during the COVID lockdown, she also had a breach in her friendship with Davi. There was no betrayal there but Covid bubbles and a Norah/Davi alliance pulled Davi away from Matilda and it was a painful loss.

Davi's family lived around the corner from us - physically the closest of her friends and there were many sleepovers at their warm and welcoming house. Raquel was the ultimate den mother (and a caterer/chef) and Drew was the warmest, breeziest, kindest Dad you could imagine over his family of four kids (Davi and her three brothers).

But it was not all perfect. Drew was bipolar and suffered from suicidal ideation and he did kill himself, about a year and a half ago. Matilda and I went to the memorial, and while Hannah was very loving and welcoming of Matilda both Norah and Davi snubbed her completely.

Which is one reason I'm surprised that Matilda and Norah have reconciled. But also, Davi and Matilda have started talking. Because while Matilda has been in therapy since JZ's diagnosis, Davi has never done therapy about her father's death. So she's been asking Matilda about her experience with therapy. So I'm hoping there's a reconciliation there as well.

That's not what's prompting my complicated feeling though.

That comes from walking into our local Whole Foods a couple nights ago and one of the clerks there saying with happy surprise in his voice, "Hey! You're Matilda's dad!" It was Lucas, Davi's middle brother.

And we chatted a bit. Then tonight I walked in again and he spotted me and this time he called me by name. I teased him about working all the time, especially on a Saturday night and asked if he was going to buy a car. He said, "No, but I have actually been looking at buying a watch. My dad's friend knows a lot about collecting watches and I've been thinking about getting this Seiko..." and he pulled it up on his phone to show me.

And I could feel - not in a needy way - his need to tap into a little bit of Dad energy talking to me. Not that we were ever close or knew each other well. But I was a trusted face he'd known for years. But also, from his comment I knew that he had a lot of men in his life, his father's friends and his mother's family, and the parents around him who were making themselves available to him.

I thought of Jacqueline's friends who had bonded with Matilda during hospice and how I'd worked to foster those bonds. In the same way, I expect that Raquel has worked to bring other adults into their family's sphere. Not to replace Drew but just give other adult reference points, somebody else to bounce off which is hard to do when you're a single parent.

Something I tried to do with my niece as my sister was dying. And also something Jacqueline did as a mother figure to her friend Marco (who she mentored), Mia (Matilda's close friend who is legally barred from seeing her mother) and cousin Nicole.

These kids just dragging around these grievous losses, this unbearable pain, and you just try to throw them a lifeline.

I enjoyed talking to Lucas. And I'll ask him about his watch collection every time.

Hopeful. Sad. Life's fucking hard.

That makes me think of the book The Council of Dads, where the author received a bad diagnosis and recruited a group of men to be there for his daughters after he was gone. (He ended up not dying from the whatever-it-was.)

That makes me think of the book The Council of Dads, where the author received a bad diagnosis and recruited a group of men to be there for his daughters after he was gone. (He ended up not dying from the whatever-it-was.)

Same feeling, yeah. And when I think about it I wasn't that much older when I lost my mother. 23. Obviously a very different time in your life than 17, but...still pretty young.

Also makes me think of that scene in Ordinary People where Timothy Hutton's character goes to see the girl he was friends with at the mental hospital. And she had on that facade that everything was okay, she was moving forward and...then she wasn't. Her suicide triggers him.

It was so hard on Mia to lose Jacqueline, who had really filled a loving maternal role for her. Not something I can do for her. Jacqueline had a long talk with Mia after JZ got out of the hospital. Trying to fill her up with love and self-acceptance.