I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with hangry me today. I cannot brane for anything.

He ain't know that, but that's okay, t. Would be a good time for it...my hair is perfect right now.(even if my father, on the few occasions he sees me, seems mystified that I keep it this way.) In "The Deadwood Bible" that I just got from Java, Jim Beaver talked about having to play the loss of a wife and child so soon after his wife Cecily died. People were kind of like "Milch, that insensitive prick," because he had his moments and stuff and because they knew that, like, he went to extra trouble to *put that in*--Beaver viewed it as a gift--to get to use his pain and have a record of it, because he hoped that not a lot of actors had the experience that he'd just had. I found that touching.

I feel bad for anyone who has to deal with hangry me today.

My hangry times are most unpleasant. I hope you can distract yourself and/or nap to pass the starving time.

I put DH on a plane home today. He has to meet his new basketball players and do team meetings and such. He'll fly back Sunday. Left on a full charge but did a round trip to Albany with 10 miles left when I got home. Livin' on the edge here. Brendon is so weird. He didn't get someone to pick him up at the airport and decided to take the city bus since they go right by the condo. Took 2 buses, then an Uber the last 3 miles. He said it was fast and easy. Alas, he found the condo at 83 degrees so he turned off the A/C in case it has frozen up. He'll deal. We knew we would have to replace it at some point. This may be the time.

Yes, I immediately fell asleep after posting.

Happy Birthday, erika!

David, I'm sorry about the extended family portion of funeral planning. At this time it seems natural to want to keep such things small and intimate. I confess we didn't even hold a memorial sevice for StE, though many of his friends said they wanted to come to one. I told several of them they were welcome to plan and hold one for him as they chose. DH, StY and I had one of our own on StE's next birthday, just privately.

I know I'm a fiercer introvert than most, and decidedly more than you, but comforting others is not a thing I do well in the midst of my own loss, though their grief impels me to comfort. It's an energy I don't have at such times.

My therapist is a jewel. She's always interested in what I have to say about what I'm feeling, she may offer a different POV. But she has no investment in my life, no expectations, so it's always easy to do conversational drift with her about things either odd or deferred or boot of iron that I've found impossible to ponder to any sort of resolution. I wish you such a person when you are ready. And meanwhile, solace where you can take it, and strength to get through this, right now.

Happy belated natal anniversaries!

I think there's definitely benefit in therapy both during times of trauma, as well as after the immediacy of loss subsides....there are so many tasks and overwhelming emotions right away, and the community usually steps up and helps out which is great. Then as time passes and support networks fade back to their "normal," there's the mundanity of having to adjust to a new day-to-day reality. That can be really hard in a way that feels...like something we should just be "able to handle" because we're strong and smart and capable. But it's also an adjustment period that just awful and miserable and can be profoundly lonely.

• shrug* But I should talk, I don't even have a therapist ATM, in part because I felt guilty continuing to see a therapist who focuses on first responders and trauma related PTSD after leaving 9-1-1 since I'm not really a first responder anymore. Also, she's in another city and it's an onerous drive. Excuses, excuses.

Happy yesterday's birthday, erikaj!

I'm sorry about the potential cousin issues at the funeral, David. Do we all have that one cousin? The one who makes us roll our eyes and think (or say), "Oh lord, it's that asshat. Again."

FWIW, I don't think suggestions for therapy are because you're doing grieving "wrong". As far as most people can probably see, you've been a rock through this, even if you've been letting yourself fall apart in private, so they probably want to make sure there's someone in your corner who can look out for your emotional health—someone who isn't grieving themselves.

Sometimes I think I should have looked into therapy after my dad died. I was the person taking care of him as best I could toward the end, with no other family in the state. In retrospect, deciding a short while after the funeral to go off antidepressants and start flying lessons was maybe not the . . . healthiest(?) . . . response to it all. Eh, I got through.

Yes. Well, actually I just don't "get" any of my cousins.(The one the world would say I had the most in common with? With the kidney transplant?(Actually, there may have been two...I've lost track. Which sounds bad, but that ten years is a big gulf when you're kids and stuff. And she's in WI.) Well the way she deals is, like, her life is like a giant theme park for her and her Lucky-from-KOTH-style hubby. Everybody kind of treats her like she is still the nine-year-old she was when she started the kidney thing. (and, like, ew, nine-year-olds don't have husbands. We used to think it was a more concrete *scam*, but I think he loves her and all that, he just "ain't about nothing" as some black people say.) I am ambivalent about all of that stuff and not just because her dad, the Rev, has mad flow and when it comes to *his* Daughter Who Almost Died--check it out, a Theme, he may gripe, hard-core, but money is kind of no real object. Which partially is, like, "Must be nice" and partially? A little Grey Gardens for me(Even if my Simonverse folks wouldn't kick me out of the fandom for being so reality-allergic.)

My therapist is a jewel. She's always interested in what I have to say about what I'm feeling, she may offer a different POV. But she has no investment in my life, no expectations, so it's always easy to do conversational drift with her about things either odd or deferred or boot of iron that I've found impossible to ponder to any sort of resolution. I wish you such a person when you are ready. And meanwhile, solace where you can take it, and strength to get through this, right now.

That does sound lovely.

I think there's definitely benefit in therapy both during times of trauma, as well as after the immediacy of loss subsides....there are so many tasks and overwhelming emotions right away, and the community usually steps up and helps out which is great. Then as time passes and support networks fade back to their "normal," there's the mundanity of having to adjust to a new day-to-day reality. That can be really hard in a way that feels...like something we should just be "able to handle" because we're strong and smart and capable. But it's also an adjustment period that just awful and miserable and can be profoundly lonely.

A good point.

I'm sorry about the potential cousin issues at the funeral, David.

They'll be well behaved. They value propriety over anything. They'll just talk shit behind my back. Oh well, I don't really need to interact with them after this.

What I will think but won't say to Aunt Elene: "I think maybe your hairstylist actively hates you."

So, I met with the Pastor to go over the funeral plans, then went by the mortuary to collect JZ's ashes.

Only sobbed twice. Once in front of the Pastor and Facilities Manager as I tried to describe Jacqueline's "moral elegance." Once when I got in the car with a heavy little bag that was all that was earthly that was left of her.

Nacho update - DoorDash is having a $12 off of $15 order deal today so I am getting $12 nachos effectively free! Also a couple of tacos. I expect it to be way too much food. I was actually kind of absent-mindedly thinking this might be the opportunity to try the $27 nachos and find out what the deal is, but I came across this Coconut Grove restaurant and that's just such a great name (I have seen the sign from the freeway a lot, so I guess their advertising has worked)