Yeah maybe invest in some toys and not risk death for a rando fuck. Ya know, says the celibate.

I'm trying to write a college recommendation letter for my niece, and I realize I have no idea what I'm doing.

Just learned from Jeopardy: Lincoln's first vice president was named Hannibal Hamlin. No idea if he was also a private detective or a mercenary, but it sounds like he should have been.

I need an alibi, because I have to launch the kitty and my husband into the SUN. Tim is still working second shift, and he stays up for a couple-few hours after he gets home. The closer that gets to 5 a.m. or so, the more likely it is that the kitty is going to want breakfast. In theory, the presence of an awake human should mean that the kitty will get breakfast. But if the kitty does not get breakfast, he sits outside the bedroom door and yodels at the top of his lungs over and over, because a tragedy of great proportions is occurring and the Other Human needs to know.

This yodeling tale of woe, therefore, could be prevented by FEEDING THE FUCKING CAT. I mean, okay, say you're online; no criticism there. But once you hear the cat start yodeling at the door where your prone-to-crankiness wife is sleeping, FEED THE FUCKING CAT.

So yeah, he didn't feed the fucking cat despite the full-on multi-verse yodeling at 5:30 this morning. I wake up, stagger out, am met by the cat in the hall (who is looking at me like "Oh thank Bast, SOMEONE is going to pull me back from the brink of starvation!"), tell the cat "I am going to launch you into the SUN, you motherfucker," and Tim appears in the doorway to the hall and says "Oh, I was trying to email the lawyer** -- should I feed the cat?"

I'm pretty sure the look on my face should have incinerated him where he stood. Do you want to keep on living? FEED THE FUCKING CAT.

**And here's a related thing: when he gets home from work, it's like 6 p.m. for him -- he's wide fucking awake and his brain is zipping along at normal speed. When the cat wakes me up out of a dead sleep yodeling for food, only about 2 of my brain cells are working, and they aren't working together. So Wide-Awake Tim tries to have an actual important conversation with me, every. single. fucking. time. I happen to get up to use the bathroom and he's still awake after work.

So he says "I was trying to email the lawyer," and my reaction is [blank look] [blank look] [head tilt] "...lawyer? Is there...a lawyer?" I'm pretty sure he explained it to me, but fuck if I can remember. I don't *think* he's being sued (or we aren't being sued), but I honestly don't know. I've told him before to not even try to have a substantial conversation with me when I've staggered out of bed at 5 to pee, and he forgets every. goddamn. fucking. time.

And once I went back to bed, I never really quite fell back asleep, so right now my brain feels like it's full of dirty socks. As soon as Tim wakes up, we are going to have words. I desperately hope he tells me that he's not awake enough for a serious conversation. Please, PLEASE say that just once.

Anyway, who's got my alibi?

Anyway, who's got my alibi?

It wasn't wise of you to break social distancing to watch Bridgerton with me in NC, Steph, but nevertheless, here you were.

ETA: Our tour of pig farms was outside, masked, socially distanced, and perfectly legit. No large bundles were involved and I don't know why anyone would even ask.

It wasn't wise of you to break social distancing to watch Bridgerton with me in NC, Steph, but nevertheless, here you were.

I just really like North Carolina.

Anyway, who's got my alibi?

You were here the whole time. Also, you're a nicer person than me because I would have screamed from the bed "Feed the fucking cat!" and gone back to sleep.

So Wide-Awake Tim tries to have an actual important conversation with me, every. single. fucking. time.

My husband does this. He either asks me something complicated as soon as I wake up (like, do you have a headache? I have no idea yet) or if he's awake and I'm asleep, he jumps on any indication that I've woken up, like when I turn over, to tell me something important.

Note to file: Calli should be your go-to for alibis.

Nice!

"Send me an email, I'll read it when I'm awake." Probably wouldn't work, or would be too hard to articulate while still asleep or groggy.

How about, "Who are you?" Would that get the desired result? Eventually?