Stability is a sensible wish. I hope y'all get it, msbelle.

I really don't have anything of note to report, which, on reflection is probably a good thing.

I'm overjoyed to see Sail, Katie, and AmyParker's names here again, and hope they stay. And I'm just as joyed to see all your familiar names, still here. Stay. You're part of the collective, you know, and you're needed...for, um, the needs and goals and the being of the collective.

Much strength and purpose to those of us undergoing hardship, change against our wills, and losses. And much receptiveness and adaptation to change we want, or that will improve our lives, or the lives of ones we love.

Lights on low, one guy on guitar in the corner and one person dancing alone, face introverted and thoughts as well. Long as one person still dancing on the 'Bama Gal, the world's longest perpetual floating house party still going.

2019 was a really tough year for me. I'm not over it. Even writing these bland sentences has me in tears.

I'm grateful for you all.

I'm going to go re-read Sail's post, because surprising love is the best kind of surprise.

How about some boredom, 2020? I welcome it.

Well, this year both flew by and also feels like a year ago was forever ago. One year ago today I got the OK to FINALLY start putting some weight on my ankle. It took another month or so before I was able to stop using crutches. And now I'm mostly back to normal life...but it still feels weird and wrong pretty much every step, and hurts most of them too. Not a ton, usually (though still sometimes depending on what I'm up to), but still. I don't love how old I feel these days (add a few wrinkles becoming prominent and more gray hairs and I definitely realize how old I am!). So with all the physical therapy and some work stress and so on, the beginning of the year was pretty meh, I think? But then I took my unexpected 5 month work sabbatical, and it was a blast. Cost me a ton of savings, but knowing I had a paycheck waiting at the end made it doable (though not having that would've meant I actually looked for a job, which I didn't). But I went to France, watched a lot of soccer, chilled out, visited Pix and ND, went to Atlanta and visited my sister and folks in SC for the first time, organized a local soccer weekend, and then spent almost a month in Colombia! Pretty sweet, but also reminded me of how much I do love being home and seeing my friends a lot. Lost my roommate, but then she moved back in. And then she moved out again, and I got a new one. Still working out how that's going (It's only been a month) but so far OK I think. And going back to work has been pretty good--I'm on a decent project with good people, even if I'm cleaning up after some messes.

So....all in all, ended a hell of a lot better than 2018? But I'm still hopeful 2020 will be more awesome. Even if I'm very scared of politics at the moment.

Shir, I got your card today. I've also gotten lovely cards from several others on the board, and thank you all, but Shir's note seemed to suggest she wondered when it would get here, hence specifying. The card exchange was a great idea! I love sending and getting cards.

I got several cards today! Apparently the mailman has been delivering them to my neighbor (even though they were addressed correctly). Boo!

Ok, let's do the 2019 thing. 2019 was very good to me. I turned 50 in September. We had the party in April, because my sister also turned 40 this year, so we made it a combined do in Canberra. That was fun, saw lots of family and friends that I hadn't seen in ages.

Biyi and I have been using a personal trainer for the last year or so. It's only once a week, but it's going pretty well. I've lost a few kilos, nothing drastic, and put on some muscle mass at the same time. (The trainer thinks we're hilarious because we keep stopping to hug each other during the sessions.)

Bigger news: in March I had my performance review at work. A couple of years ago this had been pretty fraught; I wasn't really happy, and they didn't seem so committed either. (I was just finishing up my Master of Finance, and I think they expected me to move on.) But we actually hashed a few things out. This time around, they said they were very happy with my work recently and that I'd really stepped up. For the record, I have absolutely no idea what - if anything - I was doing differently. But I got a glowing review, and a 17% pay rise! We're grateful for the extra money of course, but it also makes a huge difference just feeling that you're appreciated at work.

I was also informed in the meeting that the other member of our three-person team had given his notice, so that was pretty big too. It's been quite a year at work.

Final item, and the biggest one, was the American vacation. The trip was fantastic. We had great weather, lots of highlights. For me there are two things in particular: first, catching up with Buffistas in SF and LA. The second thing is simply being able to share all these experiences from my time living there with my family. For Ryan it was Disneyland, and thanks again to Kristin and Drew for taking us, that was awesome! I wish we could've stayed longer, and hit a few more stops (and seen a few more people), but still glad for what we could do. Biyi's favourite stop was New York. She could easily have spent a few more months there.

Finally, let me say that this year I won both LDB and Whamageddon, so truly I am blessed. I hope 2020 will be a good year for all.

Thanks, Calli! Good to know.

Debet, I got your card yesterday. It's lovely to see all of your faces!

Final item, and the biggest one, was the American vacation.

It was so great to see you and meet Biyi and Ryan. Loved that!

Lots of love and ~ma to all of you. So much wonderful and stressful in here! I love us and I'm so glad we have each other. I always wish I were more than a sporadic poster at times like these. Unfortunately, I may continue to be a sporadic poster until I get my feet under me with all the changes that have happened to me at the end of this past year. 2019 was a big year for me. For those of you who saw my Natter posts in November and (maybe?) December, you are aware of the Big Surprising and Bad. But 2019 was a big year for me before all of that happened, so I'll try to sum up:

The beginning and middle of 2019 were actually great for me. I felt like I was really coming into my own as a Middle-Aged Lady (or whatever), forgiving myself for past mistakes that I had held onto for decades (like failing out of college when my mom was diagnosed and died of a blood cancer—ironic!—my freshman year, and taking ages to get my undergraduate degree, and lying about it/hiding it from everyone I knew for a long time out of fear and shame). I finally forgave myself for not being able to "save" my father from slowly committing suicide after my mom's death because he couldn't live without her. But you all were with me through all of that. (Or as much as I could bring myself to post about.)

Point is, I was happy. I was doing really well at work, I applied and got into grad school. I had A Plan. And then on Nov. 6th, I found out I had leukemia (T-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, to be precise) and was told to check into the hospital two hours later. So, I had to let everything go—The Plan, work, grad school, my life, basically, and become a full-time patient. I didn't leave the Oncology floor again for six weeks. It's a really aggressive cancer so they started chemo right away. And I'm in round 3 of 8 right now, so this is a long haul, with more to come after that—consolidation and maintenance therapy to prevent relapse, maybe a bone marrow transplant, I don't know. For those of you who saw my Natter posts, the outpouring of support from Buffistas and IRL has been amazing and overwhelming and that's an understatement.

dcp, like you, I had my first port fail, but I got a second one that I'm hoping will work. I also got an infection that gave me aphasia where I couldn't talk or type for several days, which was really scary. I also had a subdural hematoma that may or may not have been caused by the spinal chemo they give me on top of the IV chemo I get. But I'm still here! I am trying to be more resilient about the unexpected because these things are just as much about this long journey as the everyday stuff, and I'm trying to get back to being the person I was when I first posted—strong, wanting to fight this disease aggressively, (and also in a little bit of denial/shock, lbr). But I can't access that strong version of myself every day.

I am so grateful you all are here and have my back.