Lots of love and ~ma to all of you. So much wonderful and stressful in here! I love us and I'm so glad we have each other. I always wish I were more than a sporadic poster at times like these. Unfortunately, I may continue to be a sporadic poster until I get my feet under me with all the changes that have happened to me at the end of this past year. 2019 was a big year for me. For those of you who saw my Natter posts in November and (maybe?) December, you are aware of the Big Surprising and Bad. But 2019 was a big year for me before all of that happened, so I'll try to sum up:
The beginning and middle of 2019 were actually great for me. I felt like I was really coming into my own as a Middle-Aged Lady (or whatever), forgiving myself for past mistakes that I had held onto for decades (like failing out of college when my mom was diagnosed and died of a blood cancer—ironic!—my freshman year, and taking ages to get my undergraduate degree, and lying about it/hiding it from everyone I knew for a long time out of fear and shame). I finally forgave myself for not being able to "save" my father from slowly committing suicide after my mom's death because he couldn't live without her. But you all were with me through all of that. (Or as much as I could bring myself to post about.)
Point is, I was happy. I was doing really well at work, I applied and got into grad school. I had A Plan. And then on Nov. 6th, I found out I had leukemia (T-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, to be precise) and was told to check into the hospital two hours later. So, I had to let everything go—The Plan, work, grad school, my life, basically, and become a full-time patient. I didn't leave the Oncology floor again for six weeks. It's a really aggressive cancer so they started chemo right away. And I'm in round 3 of 8 right now, so this is a long haul, with more to come after that—consolidation and maintenance therapy to prevent relapse, maybe a bone marrow transplant, I don't know. For those of you who saw my Natter posts, the outpouring of support from Buffistas and IRL has been amazing and overwhelming and that's an understatement.
dcp, like you, I had my first port fail, but I got a second one that I'm hoping will work. I also got an infection that gave me aphasia where I couldn't talk or type for several days, which was really scary. I also had a subdural hematoma that may or may not have been caused by the spinal chemo they give me on top of the IV chemo I get. But I'm still here! I am trying to be more resilient about the unexpected because these things are just as much about this long journey as the everyday stuff, and I'm trying to get back to being the person I was when I first posted—strong, wanting to fight this disease aggressively, (and also in a little bit of denial/shock, lbr). But I can't access that strong version of myself every day.
I am so grateful you all are here and have my back.