Deena, you are a fiercely strong and beautiful creature, just to have held it all together through all that.

But can I also say, I died laughing at all of you inevitably ending up with the same buffista spirit-baby therapist?

I love you guys. One of the things I did in therapy was toss out these ill-considered ideas and then figure out I didn't really believe them. I said I don't trust women...and she had me make a list of women I admire, and I could only think of three...until my next session with her when I started telling her about the imaginary friends in the box, and cried a bit over Ginger and ita, and she was so impressed with you all, and so was I all over again . . . and here I am. Aware that there are a lot of shitty people in the world, gender not important, but ya'll are not them.

Fred, I read your post and was glad that wasn't my year, so...perspective, I guess. You're such a great person and it made me really angry to read about you being shit on. I want to hug you and feed you and watch a movie together.

So, um, other stuff...Greg's been out of work since his car accident, 3 years now. There really isn't much in the way of work here. He's doing some online stuff now and that's picking up for him. I'm working part time as a proofreader for my court reporter sister and her boss. So, things are tight, but manageable. My health is weird but I have a good doctor (I'm reminded of Bev's note to my "poopyhead" doctors in Ohio) and things are going to be good this year. Christmas was really lovely and we're looking forward to what comes next.

I've totally forgotten how to denote actions or I'd curtsy.

Dear Secret Santa, your gift finally arrived yesterday. Thank you! I love the pens (I've already started journalling and plotting with them) and the pin.

Oh, Deena. So many hugs. I thought of you the other day, when Alexandra found the worry doll you made for me so many years ago, and I told her all about you and my lovely online family. She loves that doll so much now.

I've missed seeing your pixels, Deena. So much love to you and all of yours.

Oh, that's lovely news, juliana. Thank you for telling me.

Thanks Amy. Love right back to you.

{{{Deena and family}}}

I hope that this new year brings more good stuff to Buffistas, and knocks off the bad stuff.

It's so good to see you around again, Deena.

Much love and support for everyone going through difficult times. And cheers for all the progress that has been made.

Having spent most of my adult life as a freelancer, I never really had the time and resources for travel that wasn't for work. Now that I have a salary and paid vacations I was finally able to go someplace I couldn't drive, and Lee helped me go big with our trip to the Cook Islands last spring. What a fantastic experience that was! And then I decided to take a 4-day weekend in NOLA for my 50th b-day and got to see our locals there. So here's to making travel a more frequent part of my life!

Well, I promised to update after my doctor appointment, and that was a few days ago, so here goes:

2018 started so well. Had a new year's party. Went to Denver and met my cousins' kids for the first time and got to see my cousins. Took a trip to DC and hooked up with an old flame, and saw friends (and a musical!). Got a slate of ballet tickets, though I had a hard time finding people to go with me. Went to Mexico with my sister for some awesome sister time and sunshine. A fab trip to Vegas with friends for a queer fan conventions even if the shows mostly weren't anything I'd watched, it was still lots of fun. Lots of soccer games. The old flame came to Seattle, and I ended up having quite the weekend between her and "the Fluffer". Trip to Sacramento for "Lesbian Olympics" (which granted, I ended up a sobbing wreck, at one point, but for the most part was good).Pride. 4th of July, and then a trip to Kentucky for a dance convention, and my sister picked me up and we spent a week at my parents' place, trying to get them to downsize. Which it turns out may have been my last opportunity to see the house I grew up in and my parents have lived in for almost 35 years. Janelle Monae concert. Watching more soccer. My birthday, and then off to DC for another dance convention, more seeing friends, and then a trip to Toronto to see the old flame. A fun day on a boat. A weekend trip to Portland for the women's soccer championship game. A new work assignment, which I got to go to San Francisco for, and also stay with dance friends, hit up another convention, and go on a date with the Fluffer! ...and that's when it all took a turn. Somehow broke my ankle so badly that I had surgery and had to be off it for three months, and am only just now slowly getting to start putting some weight on it with crutches. Cue a few weeks off work, but only long enough for them to not replace me and have people mess things up while I was gone! And make me never get the hang of the new project and end up seeming totally incompetent. Had to stay with friends for over a month, while I figured out how to handle the stairs in my townhouse. Finally made it home in mid-November, and my sister visited me in December (since I'd had to cancel the dance convention that is usually the highlight of my year, along with a planned trip to see her and her new home). It's been a very frustrating and hard few months. Yes, there are things I am grateful for--working from home means I didn't have to try to navigate a commute. Friends who let me stay with them. A random ex who let me borrow a knee crutch so I can do stairs and come home. My sister for visiting. But it's also been isolating and lonesome and awkward. I had to miss my favorite event of the year. I have a hard time getting to the bathroom, much less to a party or a bar. It was my right ankle, so I still can't drive (and won't be able to for another month or two). I'm an extrovert, and to be unable to go places and see people, especially when it's dark and dreary winter in Seattle, has been super tough on top of the pain and the anger.

Into 2019, I'm told I'm healing well, and I'm now starting to be allowed to put weight on it. My new hope is to be able to dance again (at least my easier dances, and maybe not fast exciting ones) by the next conference in May. But that's several more months of rehab, of pain, of awkwardness, of not being who and what I want. Of not being able to make the plans I want, do the travel I want, etc. Work gave me a new project, and while it may all work out, I suspect I'm being set up to fail. I won't have airline status this year (the first time in like, 15 years!?) and that sucks. I want to take random trips, but I can't even walk right now, or leave my foot down for more than an hour without it swelling up and hurting. So that's a big no. And I know I'm bitter, and some of my friends have not been terribly understanding or kind about that. Which makes me more bitter. I feel like all my friends have coupled up, and three of my besties, who used to live within a few blocks to (continued...)

( continues...) a mile from me, have now moved 45 minutes to three hours away, two of them buying houses with their partners. So even if I could drive, it would still e hard to see them, what with the nesting and the twu wuv and such. So I'm feeling old and single and lonesome, and then hate that I am emanating that to the universe. I can hope that in 2019 I will heal, and will feel happier, and will attract better energy or whatever. Maybe work will go great, or I will get a new job. Maybe my planned trip to the women's World Cup in France will turn out sexy and amazing. Maybe I'll be dancing up a storm by this summer. I really really hope. Because the past several months have been full of a lot of suck, and I'm not sure how much more of that I can handle.