So 2018 was a kind of weird year, and I don't really know how to sum it up. Aidan got stuck in a loop that included "what is suicide?" and "What happens if I act out?" and "What is therapy?" and so on, and so he began to act up in school. He'd been doing it at home, but he was still trying to make everyone at school think he was perfect until he hit a point where he realized they were on to him and he wasn't absolutely perfect and they KNEW! and began to talk about killing himself, and then asking others to kill him, and then got up from his chair and rammed his head into the concrete wall of the classroom, and then being sent to the hall, and having to be wrestled to the ground by the school safety officer and the counselor. Oh joy.

When he started acting out, we got him a therapist who said she knew all about autistic kids and she knew he didn't need to be hospitalized, and then after that incident, the school called her first, and then called us in, and then they told us that they had to try to find him an in-hospital placement because of his behavior, and so we sat there for several hours while the therapist called and called and called and hospital after hospital said he wasn't a good fit and didn't need them. And finally, we realized that we'd followed the letter of the law with the first hospital that said he didn't need any further assessment and we took him home.

An in-hospital stay is not a good idea for Aidan. He gets more and more upset when he's away from his family and his safe space at home. I think it would have caused more harm than good. We switched therapists. The new one got him talking about consequences, and thinking things through, and what he really meant when he said he wanted to die (I'm stressed and I don't want people to think badly of me!), and so on, using his ideas about creating video games, and he got switched to a new class this year and is doing so well that he only has to check in with the therapist once a quarter now.

In the meantime, Kara started actually thinking about how she'd kill herself, and we got her a therapist, but her therapist was a little narrow-minded and not very broadly educated, I think. Anyway, she was a really sweet lady (who now turns and walks away from us in the grocery store when she sees us), but she actually thought that gays and lesbians were going to hell, or something, so that wasn't good. Kara really liked Aidan's therapist, who is a buffista-in-training or something (Loves Dr. Who, Monty Python, and all kinds of fandoms, used to play tabletop RPGs), and so we switched Kara's therapist to her, and Kara came out, and got on some Anti-Ds, and is doing so much better that I am constantly ambushed by how beautiful she is and how wonderful it is to see her happy. Of course, at the same time, she missed half of the first half of this school year because of health issues, and was flunking her senior year. Not a problem because she's a year younger than 99% of her classmates, but a problem for her mentally. Thankfully, the school is working with her to graduate on time and she will only have to go to the school 4 hours a week, but can go more if she wants to. The counselor expects that she'll also end up with one or more scholarships because her ACT scores (except math) are pretty phenomenal.

In the meantime! I started therapy in part because I was applying for disability, and in part because... holy shit! This year! and my therapist told me all about his inability to emotionally connect to his wife and children, and then he canceled on me twice, on the day of therapy, because he was sick once, and because he decided to try to connect with his wife once, and then he invited a student in to my therapy sessions without asking me, who told me all about her coupon cutting ways and her favorite grocery stores. Yeah.

So, I liked Aidan's therapist too, and I started going to her, and it was awesome. We could finish one another's sentences. Lovely. I like her, and it's been great for a lot of reasons, but I've been really wishing I could go (continued...)

( continues...) back to what I was doing before Aidan freaked out because, really, it was a lot more comfortable pretending I was perfectly mentally healthy except for a few charming quirks (not charming at all). And now we're doing ego-state therapy and I have to tell you that it's not at all fun to be living in my head right now. I dressed by committee yesterday! Nothing matched because they all wanted me to do something different. I feel like the grinch. The noise, noise, noise, noise!

Whew. There's more, but I think that's enough to be going on with right now.

Oh Deena, I do believe teens have a lot more stress than existed when I was a teen. Possibly aggravated by social media. It sounds like you are on top of it. It is a lot easier to handle your own stuff than watching your kids suffer.

Also, note to self, many therapists suck.

Wow, Deena, that is a lot. It sounds like a lot of good moving towards goodness for all of you! And it's so good to see you here!

I had no idea y'all were so ready to relocate, Kate. I hope something works out for you!

Yikes, Deena! I think you had a crazier year than I did!

Goodness, Deena. That's a lot of a lot. I hope 2019 is less stressful for you and yours.

That is a huge pile of stuff, Deena, but as you tell about each thing, then tell us how you explored it more deeply and how things evolved toward solutions, it's almost like "Light broke, a choir sang chords of hope" so that's the impression I'm left with. It was pretty deep, and you all climbed out, boosting each other along all the way.

I wish you a more gentle climb, from here.

Deena, you are a fiercely strong and beautiful creature, just to have held it all together through all that.

But can I also say, I died laughing at all of you inevitably ending up with the same buffista spirit-baby therapist?

I love you guys. One of the things I did in therapy was toss out these ill-considered ideas and then figure out I didn't really believe them. I said I don't trust women...and she had me make a list of women I admire, and I could only think of three...until my next session with her when I started telling her about the imaginary friends in the box, and cried a bit over Ginger and ita, and she was so impressed with you all, and so was I all over again . . . and here I am. Aware that there are a lot of shitty people in the world, gender not important, but ya'll are not them.

Fred, I read your post and was glad that wasn't my year, so...perspective, I guess. You're such a great person and it made me really angry to read about you being shit on. I want to hug you and feed you and watch a movie together.

So, um, other stuff...Greg's been out of work since his car accident, 3 years now. There really isn't much in the way of work here. He's doing some online stuff now and that's picking up for him. I'm working part time as a proofreader for my court reporter sister and her boss. So, things are tight, but manageable. My health is weird but I have a good doctor (I'm reminded of Bev's note to my "poopyhead" doctors in Ohio) and things are going to be good this year. Christmas was really lovely and we're looking forward to what comes next.

I've totally forgotten how to denote actions or I'd curtsy.

Dear Secret Santa, your gift finally arrived yesterday. Thank you! I love the pens (I've already started journalling and plotting with them) and the pin.