So, Dad has been having these hallucinations for a few weeks, maybe longer. He says they're like shadows of people (which made me wonder if it might be time for an eye exam -- that might not be the entire cause, but a vision problem could be contributing to it). He did see his primary care doctor a few weeks ago, who ran blood tests and did the basic battery of questions to make sure a person is oriented to time and place. I believe he also had a PET scan of his brain to make sure there was no organic brain disease. Everything came back with normal results.

He takes a lot of meds, one of which is Zoloft. I did a little research, and a known side effect -- although it's rare, it happens -- of Zoloft is hallucinations. I told him to ask his doctor about this, and he told me the doctor said no, it's not the Zoloft. Which I got extremely angry at (possibly excessively so), because I wasn't just making shit up here, it came from actual peer-reviewed medical literature -- he is experiencing an actual known side effect of a medication that he takes, and his doctor blew it off. And Dad is basically fine with that.

Which brings us up to this week, where he already had a follow-up appointment scheduled with his doctor for Thursday. My brother and SiL were going to head back to Colorado on Thursday, but they're going to stay another day (they drove) so that my brother can go to Dad's appointment with him and tell the doctor what he (my brother) has witnessed, what my dad has told my brother, and what my brother's trained assessment is. I'm going to suggest to my brother that he also push back and ask the doctor why she thinks the hallucinations aren't caused by Zoloft when that's a known side effect and he takes the medication every day.

I can't handle any of this. I can't do any of this medical caretaking of my father anymore. I cannot. It will fucking break me, in a mental health way. I'm not trying to be melodramatic by saying that; it's toxic and disgusting and my therapist said she's very concerned for my mental well-being if I try to keep doing this.

I acknowledge that this is fucked up. I acknowledge that I'll probably have to put in the work to find a patient advocate for my dad because my brother has to go back to Colorado and I cannot do this any more. (It's very bad. For about 2 weeks earlier in the summer, Tim told me that while he obviously would never tell me what to do, he thought I should avoid talking to my dad for a while, and he [Tim] would talk to him in my place if need be. So I didn't talk to him for a while, and now I am talking to him again, and it's not any better.)

Teppy it sounds like a patient advocate is a good idea.

{{{Teppy}}} That must be so hard. I absolutely support you extracting yourself from the caretaker role as much as you can.

(((JZ and the Zmayhems))) (((Teppy and family))) (((ltc)))

And anybody else who needs inarticulate hugs. Much love and care and well-wishing included.

Teppy I think you are doing the right thing 100%. I know we (society) tends to have this view that it doesn't' matter what your parents did you are still supposed to be there for them but that idea is super fucked up especially if your parents have hurt you.

Plus, you have yourself and Tim to take care of. No one has endless capacity.

Teppy, you need a break and your brothers should help you find someone to help your dad. It should not be on you just because you're nearby.

And I hope to god your brother gets the guns out. That's just... awful and terrifying.

JZ and family, I'm so sorry to hear about the fire but I hope everything works out ok.

Steph, lots of health~ma to your father and may you be able to step away from it. Let your brother(s) take care of him.

And oh, poor ltc! I'm glad she's doing better now.

Tep, others have said basically the same thing, but you need to take care of yourself. Is there something you can do for yourself now, to give yourself a little mental cushion while you look for a patient advocate?

Much darker at 6 am this Tuesday compared to last Tuesday. Not too pleased about that.