Oh- Theo- I went to start sewing, and my sewing machine doesn't have a presser foot! I ordered some from Amazon, but I am not sure they are the right ones because I am struggling a little to get one on!

I'm about to go hug and cuddle the stuffing out of Matilda for the first time in two weeks.

My youngest brother just posted this on the Caringbridge page that had been created for our dad--he is such a fine, eloquent writer. He asked for input on it before posting but none of the rest of us could think of a word that needed changing. He also just called to check in. We've talked more in the last week than I think we have in the last few years.

Dear Family and Friends,

It's with heavy hearts that we update everyone on our beloved father, Gene.

He was brought to Summit Hospital on the morning of March 24th, and has been resting peacefully in the ICU since. In the first few days, he showed hopeful signs of battling this terrible virus, but soon had a fever again and required increased oxygen. In the days that followed, his temperature and oxygen levels returned to normal, but only with the increased help of a ventilator, and with that, higher levels of sedation required to remain comfortable. Dad, never wanting to burden his loved ones, kept private the extent to which his COPD had progressed, and this has made it very difficult for his lungs to overcome the effects of the virus. We hope and pray for recovery, but, while stable and not getting worse, his condition hasn't improved in about a week.

He fortunately isn't in any pain, and is receiving outstanding care from the nurses and doctors at Summit. The most difficult and unfair aspect of the situation is not being able to be with him, and each other, through this difficult time. With the help of the nurses, we three and Wendy have been able to FaceTime with him to let him know we're with him. Despite being very sedated, he did show signs of recognizing familiar voices, so we know this has provided some comfort and peace.

In the coming days, please keep Dad in your prayers. We continue to hope for a miracle, but we also know we must honor his wishes in determining appropriate care.

-Jacqueline, Chris, Lukas, and Wendy

It all feels completely surreal--I look at the Johns Hopkins update page, and read personal essays in WaPo and Salon and the NYT and whatnot and think, "Oh, that sounds terrible for them," and then I remember that some of those numbers are us and we're living in one of those First Person How I Lived Through It Meditations On A Pandemic essays. It's fucking absurd.

That's a lovely post, JZ

I'm so sorry for your loss, JZ. But I am very glad to know your health has improved.

That is lovely JZ, I'm so sorry this is happening.

I filed my unemployment claim, I had to clarify a few things at the end becuase I answered wrong (I guess I don't know) anyway that's done. I'll see what happens next. I still have to find my W2 and file my taxes.

Monday I have a telehealth appointment with my meds manager person and I'm going to ask about anti anxiety meds. As much as I've been complaining about my home life I've realized I've been acting badly some of it I can control better than others but I keep running into issues of sensory overload and just feelings of being frozen because everything is too much. So I need help. Also I'm going to be working hard to not be anxious that my unemployment claim will be denied (I know that's not rational but my anxieties aren't rational so.. )

There's no loss yet, but I think there will be.

My mom called a little bit ago to ask me to pass along a message to my dad, but she started crying and couldn't speak. They've been divorced for 43 years but always bound by parenting, and as angry as she still is she's now haunted by her first real memory of him, the 22-year-old friend of her brother's she made out with in his car during a mutual friend's wedding reception.

Oh JZ, I feel for your mom so much right now. There are reason she fell for him in the first place and they don't just disappear when a marriage is over. Love to you and your brothers too.

There's a disadvantage to me checking b.org over breakfast when not-enough-caffeine has hit the brain yet, so I feel like words cannot express how much love I have to all of you. And with this, JZ, I am so sorry. All of the {{}}.

At the risk of going full-hippie, I feel them around me all the time.

Oh my goodness, this. I only have one roommate but she has Big Emotions and anxiety (her definition). My spider sense is being empathic. While we like one another, I've been hiding a lot in my room in the last two weeks from her expressing her feelings. And started playing music whenever she's on the phone/video call.

Yes!

My own anxiety is sufficient, thanks. Feeling other people's also is a bit much at the moment.