I agree with your therapist, just don't talk to her about it and in fact, I wouldn't talk to Maria about it either.

I didn't take pictures I didn't think about it. It was all I could do not to have a meltdown, which I then started having in TJ MAxx and am now having and once again Matthew's Mom gets to be a frot row witness to this and I came home and I'm yelling and Matthew is upset and why?>

I am the one who pushed for certain types of presents and wanted things wrapped and wanted to make soemthing special on Christmas day and have stockings. He doesn't care about that or maybe I say it enough or properly. Sunday I told him THREE Times and Laid out presents to be wrapped and last night he claimed I n ever told him anything and he didn't know. It's his family too.

I have not been like this for awhile. Months, maybe or almost a year. I don't know exactly the factors but I knw living with his Mom is playing a role in this and I can't keep doign this and if we can't come up with a realistic plan then I need to re evaluate our relationship.

But siler lining I was walking around TJ maxx looking for something to buy to make myself feel better and I realized that spending money wont' make me really feel better. I didn't end up buying anything because I was texting Matthew in line about how I was waiting to check out and I still needed to go to Aldi and if Aldi didn't have more gift bags I had to stop somewhere to get more if we needed some and he messged back "Don't take too long" and also that he knows I like shopping and I just got mad and dumped my stuff and left because I can only go as fast as I can and I am really miserable and screw all this.

I ws thinking about making a nice breakfast. Mom used to do that, I liked that. And have stockings . I like opening stockigns but not if I'm the only one who cares. I was thinking of making some Panatone french toast for breakfast with some fruit and maybe some whipped cream but why am I putting more work on myself when it's not important to anyone else.

Msbelle, that is good advice. I am, frankly, a terrible liar, so it will come out, at least to Maria. But if I am strong in my conviction it is the right thing to do, she will back me up. My mother, not so mucc.

So the gifts I ordered for my brother and SIL had a Dec 17-23 delivery window when I placed the order. I just checked the tracking and now it's expected to be the 26th. I really don't want to shop tomorrow.

askye, I am sorry it is so hard. I am the only one who cares about doing things at holidays anymore and the more I push to do them the angrier I become when no one else wants to. This year I really tried to stop and I did what I wanted just for me and it has been a bit better.

Eventually I hope to start to to do things that I like with friends and my family time will be low-key nothing for holidays.

It sucks, but your enjoyment of things requires other people participating, then you have to find like-minded people or develop new ways of doing those things just for yourself.

aurelia, can you wrap a picture of the gift and let them know they will be in next day? Surely adults would understand that.

Aw, I'm sorry, aurelia. FedEx and UPS have been overwhelmed, I know, it's a bummer you're getting hit with the lateness. I second msbelle's picture idea. Two turtle doves and whatever is on the way for Boxing Day!

I'm sorry, askye.

I also second msbelle's just don't tell them suggestion. Any guilt you feel is not righteous guilt.

Pumpkin pies and cornbread are baked and cooling, dishes are done, iPad is grabbing some of my iPhone's data from iCloud, and I just did my end-of-year giving (a food pantry in my neighborhood, a homeless shelter, SPCA, Southern Poverty Law Center, and Planned Parenthood). (I still intend to kick $$ in for the Buffista giving thing, too.)

Presents are wrapped and in separate Trader Joe's bags by family (my Dad, my mom/stepdad, my bro/SiL, Tim's family), my clothes are clean and unwrinkled, and I can sleep in until 8 tomorrow morning. I think I am ready for a full day of my family tomorrow and a full day of Tim's family on Christmas. And then Thursday I am not doing a damn thing except submitting my December invoice to the AMA and maybe dragging my ass out to see Jumanji or Star Wars.

I think I'm really really missing my family right now. They are all at the beachm I haven't seen my dad since ok since we went down to the beach in October but he hasn't visited up here in I don't remember when.... spring?

And they are going to see my grandma who is 99 and this could be her last Chris's and E is there.

It didn't feel this bad when I was in Front or at least I don't remember it being this bad but they were so far away and they are only 7 hours away right now.

Plus I don't have any traditions built withatthew so I'm floundering.

Although we were also invited to a family friends home for a meal so it looks like there will be Christmas merriment of some kind

ack - the giving thing! shit - must go get info and post!

Thanks Steph.