There were plenty of times we didn't tell my mother about issues with her children or grandchildren. We even all out lied about the nature of a hospitalization. It sometimes serves no real purpose to tell all when it comes to adult children. As a parent of adult children I also respect their right to withhold information from me. Their lives. Their choice. Do I want to know everything, sure. Do I think I have that right? No, I really don't.

I think Maria, who comes from a family who is rational, just can't understand the crazy irrationality of my mom.

I get that, too. My relationship with my parents is complicated as hell, because they are both narcissistic as hell (but in very different ways, which is weird and also funny), and I have really specific, really rigid boundaries with them for my own well-being.

But friends with basically normal parents (what even IS that?) just don't understand, and come at me with "But they're your paaaaaaaarents!", like just because their DNA made me I have to let them continue to do damaging shit. I don't. And people who never experienced that don't understand it. That's fine, but they need to not tell me what kind of boundaries I should have with my parents. What works for them will never, ever work for me. Not if I want to maintain the level of relative mental health I've achieved.

(Like, my mom isn't telling my stepdad that my brother relapsed, because he is the world's biggest pessimist and Debbie Downer, and he'll just flip his gourd and go off on all the horrible things about my brother relapsing. I can totally understand her decision to not tell him, but that means she has no one to talk to about this really stressful thing. [Which makes me very sad for her. I can't fathom not being able to talk to Tim about this.] But here's the thing: I will NOT be her sounding board about this. I absolutely CAN NOT, for my own well-being. It is not my responsibility to shore her up emotionally. And that's my boundary, and I know some people would think I'm a callous monster for it. But too bad. Taking care of me comes first.) (I did tell my mom this morning she should find a therapist, since she's not going to talk to my stepdad about this. And I mean it. I think it would help her a lot. But I cannot fill that role.)

Yeah, Maria just needs to trust you on this. You know your mother best and, frankly, meeting your father's other children isn't about your Mom, it's about you!

Sophia, 100% what Steph said. Also, it's your decision, not Maria's. Your mom might be hurt if you don't tell her, but you (probably) will be hurt if you do. will be > might be

ion am I the only one who can only remember which is "less than" and which is "greater than" by using the "less than 3" heart symbol?

Zenkitty, I'm going to assume that sentence ends in alligators and say no, not the only one.

yes. alligators

Alligators help with a LOT.

Pardon me, I need to emotion-dump.

I am struggling bad with depression and anxiety since I got laid off and my cat is dying and my other cat now seems to be sick also and I'll never be able to walk without pain again and I feel like I'm losing everything and I guess I really need therapy and an antidepressant and I really can't afford therapy right now and I really don't want another antidepressant that might not even work with all its inevitable fucking side effects.

I'll never get another job that pays anywhere near as well as my last one, and I am bitter about the sudden lay-off and scared that it means my impostor syndrome was right after all. I know I'm not the only one who's ever lost a job suddenly and had to find a new one. Part of the problem is, it's happened to me before: 25 years ago my life fell apart and I lost my job and my house and my car (and my girlfriend died and my boyfriend went to jail), and I had to give my cats to my mom and move in with my sister. I cannot do that again. Granted, 25 years ago I didn't have a 20-year career on my resume, but I was 25 years younger and able to live on far less than I need now. Y'all, I'm terrified.

Oh, Zen. I'm so sorry. That's a scary situation to find yourself in and it must be worse having been through such badness before. I am confident that your impostor syndrome is not right. You have skills. I know you give your cats a good home as long as you have them.

Oh Zen, I so relate. That is totally what I am scared of. All I can say is the Buffistas helped me see my value and also that I value you

Also, thanks others. I think I am ready to set a lunch date with my sister. She seems so eager. I cannot talk to my mom about this right now. I will never be ready to talk to my mom until it is a done deal, because she catastrophes upon me already catastrophising.