Timelies all!

Yay, Sophia!

Well except the attic. Aargh. But msbelle suggestion is good- one thing a day.

As we say in Little League when we fall behind by a lot early..."Chip away."

Don't expect to overcome a 7 run deficit in one inning, but try to score some runs every inning until you can close the gap.

So imagine me sportsballing away in the dugout, cheering you on to "Chip away!"

Shit is gone. It is amazing how asking for help made be be able to get help. Which sounds ridiculous because of course. But this is, like 15 years of crap! I now just have the VOA pickup in December, which Aidan will bring down, and the attic.

I think it will be worse for Maria's brother, who is in a similar situation, but owns his house. Because he is attached to the things, but frankly all the thing I am attached to are saved because they were packed up, we've been talking and he is appalled that the people throw things out! I am like, get them out of here! Except my good papers! I even got rid of the corset I wore and the first Buffistas F2F. I have the medal and the tiara, and it doesn't fit right norw

So also, I think I might be ready to meet my new family, my fathers other children. I DO NOT want to talk to my moms out it, Maria feels very strongly that I can't do it unless I am willing to talk to my mom, because she could find out and be hurt. Maria is very simpatico with my mom, and I am very simpatico with hers. But this is ridiculous and I am totally not talking to my mom about it until after it happens. So this leaves me in a limbo I can't deal with properly.

Sophia, I'm going to offer my perspective on that because it's similar to what I just went through with my brother's relapse. He really thought that he could do what he did in 2016 when I went out there -- just taper down his drinking at home with beer. And when he first told me he relapsed, he asked me not to tell our parents, that he would tell them once he was on the other side of the taper and was sober again. The reason was because my mom would make it all about her and my dad would be a giant judgmental dick about it.

I agreed because I thought the taper at home would work. (Obviously it didn't, but for the purposes of my story, let's go with the original assumption.)

My parents did not need to know at the time, because if they knew, their reactions would have been detrimental to him. (Tim even said "I don't think your father EVER needs to know," and in general I agreed with him.) (Again, all that went out the window when my bro went to the hospital.)

And I really feel like this is the same. Maria means well, I have no doubt. But your mom doesn't need to know about you meeting your father's other children until after it happens, because her reaction will be detrimental to you. It's 100% okay for you to not tell her until after the fact, because that is self-protective for you. Absolutely okay. And if that means you can't tell Maria until after the fact either, that's okay, too. It's not lying; it's an information diet. You *will* tell them, but on your terms, acting in *your* best interest.

Well said, Steph.

Thanks Steph. I think Maria, who comes from a family who is rational, just can't understand the crazy irrationality of my mom.

My therapist keeps saying "why do you need to tell her? ". I did end up telling her about my apartment situation, but it is mostly solved and could help her (she is afraid I will have to clean her house when she dies). I couldn't tell her when it was going on because we are too much alike, and it is not helpful.

But Maria has a mom who can help and can't see keeping something from her, and can't see her kids keeping something from actual Maria, even though they are 19 and 17.

There were plenty of times we didn't tell my mother about issues with her children or grandchildren. We even all out lied about the nature of a hospitalization. It sometimes serves no real purpose to tell all when it comes to adult children. As a parent of adult children I also respect their right to withhold information from me. Their lives. Their choice. Do I want to know everything, sure. Do I think I have that right? No, I really don't.

I think Maria, who comes from a family who is rational, just can't understand the crazy irrationality of my mom.

I get that, too. My relationship with my parents is complicated as hell, because they are both narcissistic as hell (but in very different ways, which is weird and also funny), and I have really specific, really rigid boundaries with them for my own well-being.

But friends with basically normal parents (what even IS that?) just don't understand, and come at me with "But they're your paaaaaaaarents!", like just because their DNA made me I have to let them continue to do damaging shit. I don't. And people who never experienced that don't understand it. That's fine, but they need to not tell me what kind of boundaries I should have with my parents. What works for them will never, ever work for me. Not if I want to maintain the level of relative mental health I've achieved.

(Like, my mom isn't telling my stepdad that my brother relapsed, because he is the world's biggest pessimist and Debbie Downer, and he'll just flip his gourd and go off on all the horrible things about my brother relapsing. I can totally understand her decision to not tell him, but that means she has no one to talk to about this really stressful thing. [Which makes me very sad for her. I can't fathom not being able to talk to Tim about this.] But here's the thing: I will NOT be her sounding board about this. I absolutely CAN NOT, for my own well-being. It is not my responsibility to shore her up emotionally. And that's my boundary, and I know some people would think I'm a callous monster for it. But too bad. Taking care of me comes first.) (I did tell my mom this morning she should find a therapist, since she's not going to talk to my stepdad about this. And I mean it. I think it would help her a lot. But I cannot fill that role.)

Yeah, Maria just needs to trust you on this. You know your mother best and, frankly, meeting your father's other children isn't about your Mom, it's about you!