I'm spiralling in a really bad mental state. What is happening to the country with the GOP and Trump is becoming a very unhealthy obsessive interest and I have yo stop.

Personally, it helps me to not pay too much attention to 45 on a weekly basis.

As I've gotten to see him in action I no longer have unrealized fears about him (Is he a Nazi? Hail Hydra takeover?!) and it's clear he's a doddering, fucked up narcissist.

Everybody that tries to use him as leverage to advance their agenda (like Ryan or McConnell) gets burned. Because betrayal is what he's all about. He's happy to dance with Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi if it gets him the attention he wants.

That doesn't mean that he can't fuck with lots of things, or fuck up hurricane relief or rattle sabers at Korea.

But he's no ideologue.

On the other hand, my sense of betrayal by large swaths of this country have just gotten deeper. It's clear to me that any fucking asshole that voted for Trump would have happily voted for the Nazi party. So that's a good third of the voting populace that are craven, anti-democratic, authoritarian, racist, anti-women, anti-gay shit-heads. And I don't want to have anything to do with them, much less share a country with them.

It's not just him. It's also living I'm MC where the GOP is undermining fair elections to keep their stranglehold.

And it's not even 45. It's being more aware of McConnell and Ryan and Meadows and Graham and realizing the extent of what they want to do.

On top of that is the feeling that I ve really screwed up my future but at the same time the choices I made have helped me. I have a hard time dealing with that kind of mental ..conflict. And realizing that I ve been emtionally/psychologically basically a 20 yr old and trying figure out how to navigate that and grow and got feel defeated.

Although I realize ibhave a hard time prioritizing things. Now I know why ...i have problems with executive function. I'm not lazy or willful my brain just works different so o have to learn work arounds and how to actually practice that, which is hard because of the executive function issues. It s just seems like an endless circle.

I need to see my Dr and talk about peri menopause and figuring out if I'm in it and how it's effecting me.

I still largely feel like a 20 year old. I kind of assume most people didn't, but maybe not, since most people have kids and responsibilities.

askye, I shift between obsessing to burying my head. I need to talk to my doc about adjusting my meds cause my mode lately has been to disconnect from everything. Work, school, and my house are all suffering.

I feel like it is also affecting my ability to cope with the foster dog I picked up yesterday. Colt is an 11 year old lab who has been with another foster for about 3 weeks with no adoption interest. That foster is on vacation this week, so I was asked to care for him until he is adopted or the other foster family is back. Colt is a sweet dog. His eyesight is going and he is a bit of a stubborn bull about moving when he doesn't want to move. He kept me up most of the night because he snores and snuffles, wakes himself up, and then takes a while to settle again. I know the unsettledness is because change is hard and he is having to learn a new place...but it is setting me on edge. I actually have CBD dog treats, ended up giving him one last night so he would chill out some and I could get a couple of hours of sleep.

I'm just totally not sure what to do with him today. We have another adoption event that I'm taking him to, but if he doesn't find a family, do I ask for him to go to another foster home - making he go through another change of routine? Is it just me and I need to relax about it. He isn't destructive or mean with Crowley. At the moment he is lounging at my feet and letting Crowley crawl over him. He doesn't play with Crowley, but his tail wags when Crowley tries to get him to play. Arrrgggg.

It's that I feel 20 and I act like I'm 20 or a teenager in terms of decisions I've made and how I have lived my life .

There are psychological/emotional milestones and developments I either haven't gotten to or regressed from. It's something I'm working on with my therapist.

Suzi not being able to sleep is a big deal. I wish I could offer some advice.

I sent a text to the head of the rescue letting her know that I may not be the best fit for Colt. And, of course, as soon as I posted here and sent that text, both Crowley and Colt fell asleep and are very peaceful now.

I can't go back to sleep, my house is a mess and I have two papers, plus a discussion question (that was due Thursday) that I need to complete today. I've finished the reading and putting together the outlines for the papers. Now I just need to get to writing.

As for the age thing, despite having grown kids I feel like I'm mentally somewhere much younger than almost 50. One of the ladies at the rescue said she thought I was in my mid to late 30's. Maybe it is the purple hair? As for decision making, I make it up as I go along. I wish I were better about planning out long term goals and then breaking them down into short term goals instead of just following where life leads. These days, I'm happy to get from day to day.

That's very interesting, askye. I often feel like I am stuck emotionally at 18 when I had my first major depression and dropped out of college. On a somewhat related noted, I drove by the college I attended a couple weeks back and ended up with a weeks worth of nightmares.

I hope Colt will find a home today. There was one lady who fell for him while I was there and she was going to go get her husband. If he doesn't get adopted a different foster family is going to take him and there is a Catahoula mix girl named Dalia who will come home with me. She is about 6-7 months old, maybe twice the size of Crowley but smaller than Jack.

Sj it's hard when those memories are stirred up. I hope nightmares are gone.

Suzi I hope the new foster dog is a better fit.