Steph, I hope that Tim and his brothers are successful in getting your FiL into assisted care. I live with a lot of guilt and regret that I didn't push my father harder on that before he died suddenly, it would have made the last 8 years of my mother's life, and mine, very different.

I live with a lot of guilt and regret that I didn't push my father harder on that before he died suddenly

My perception is that they feel like they're walking a fine line between wanting to respect his autonomy and wanting to make the decision to go with assisted living because he can't (or won't) make that decision.

Although I suspect it was a harder decision while things were status quo while he was at home. Now that he has actual medical issues that they're witnessing first hand, they may all quickly get on Team Assisted Living. The reality of his health might make the decision very easy in a way it wasn't before.

Yeah, I would strongly encourage them not to have their father go home and then figure out assisted living -- just going straight from rehab to assisted living is actually an easier mental transition, I think. (Not that my situation was like this, but it was way easier for all us to have my father go to the hospital in crisis and then straight to the nursing home, rather than trying to guess when the perfect moment was going to be.)

That makes sense. I would guess there's a big emotional difference between saying "I want to go home but I have to go to assisted living" and "I want to stay here but I have to go to assisted living", or there would be for me.

My perception is that they feel like they're walking a fine line between wanting to respect his autonomy and wanting to make the decision to go with assisted living because he can't (or won't) make that decision.

It's so difficult. My grandmother was dead set against assisted living, even when it would have meant being in the same facility as my grandfather, who was under care for Alzheimer's. If the family had strong-armed her into it, she would have made their lives hell.

On the lighter side, did you know that today is National Crayon Day? Celebrate responsibly!

What are his reasons for staying at his home? My mom would never have left her cats - she had 5 of them - in addition to it being her home and where she was most comfortable.

What are his reasons for staying at his home?

Like with your mom (minus the cats) -- it's his home, and where he's most comfortable.

While he's in his house, he's the man he used to be. Going to assisted living, he acknowledges he's old and waiting for the end.

Steph, something else to consider about moving someone into assisted living. My mom fought it like tigers, for a very long time. She had a combination psychological and physical incident where she literally couldn't be supported at home, and was hospitalized. Her doctor refused to release her to home care, and the decision was taken out of her hands by his releasing her to a rehab facility.

It was easier to help her believe "the doctor said" she wasn't able to live at home any longer, especially since we knew she would fight, bait, and sabotage any carer we hired in order to get rid of them. She adapted quickly to assisted living, enjoying the last year of her life immensely. But if the decision had been ours, she would have fought and resented it forever. And she would never, ever have made the decision herself. Sometimes having the choice removed makes it easier to adjust.