Oh man, Sophia -- that's all so fraught! Yikes.

Weirdly, I feel like the hardest think is my BFF taking everything about my mother so personally, as almost an affront against her. So I can't really talk to her about it because she is so set on what I should do, and I am pretty set against it-- like every atom in my body is screaming DO NOT BRING THIS UP. We have this weird thing where I really love her mother and she really loves mine, but we have fraught relationships with our own mothers. Since her mother is a reasonable person, she seems to start with the assumption that mine is, and I must be the unreasonable one because that is how her relationship worked as an adult. I am just not so sure about my mother and reasonableness!

and her expectation when she had me was that she would have someone who loved her unconditionally for forever and be very close.

Whoa.

Go with your gut, Sophia. It's been telling you what you need to know all along.

I think the agony aunt columnist s would say sometimes you can let sleeping dogs lie still.

like every atom in my body is screaming DO NOT BRING THIS UP.

I think it's a good idea to talk to someone through the EAP, but I also think you should trust your atoms.

her expectation when she had me was that she would have someone who loved her unconditionally for forever and be very close.

Whoa.

Yeah- sorry to spew my family issues all over the board, but my poor mom had horrible parents (who were actually pretty good grandparents to me) and I think all she ever wants in life is for someone to love her who is not super narcissistic (my grandma) or actually bipolar/schizophrenic (my grandpa). I think she was so excited about this baby that would be hers, and I sort of came out being my own person and that just threw her a lot. And I am her mini-me-- we are so much alike in looks and deed. But she never dated after I was born, she didn't have many friends after I was born and we lived with my grandparents, who took care of me all day and I was really close to. But she has expressed to me how jealous she feels when people on facebook talk about doing things with their daughters, like shopping or going out for dinner, which we just don't do. She brings up things I said as a teenager that were hurtful, but true, and acts like the thing I said is still true now or how I feel is still true now. She tells me I am cold and unfeeling, when I know I actually feel very deeply. And I feel so deeply for my young mom that I don't want to hurt her now. I want to pretend, until she passes away, that the relationship we have is what she wants and that is what I have been doing. So I feel like bringing this into it is just going to break everything.

Thanks for helping me work that out.

I think your gut is being wise, Sophia! Sometimes a lie of omission is the right way to go.

Oh, man, Sophia. That is a lot. I'm glad if talking through it here helps. EAP therapy sounds like a good plan.

I don't know about today. What I should do is mow the lawn, buy some groceries, do laundry, and read about Supply Chain Management. What I want to do is go back to the Tomato Festival and drink Bloody Marys and listen to live music and read Ellery Queen. What I actually am doing so far is lying in bed trying to gauge how much my feet will hurt if I walk around on them much, a little or a lot? Limited time and fragile bodies, sigh.

Go with your gut, Sophia. It's been telling you what you need to know all along.

100% - and no apologies. We are here for you to talk to.

That's so much pressure, Sophia. I think a neutral 3rd party would be very beneficial to sort this through.