Oh, geeze, Laura. Family, can't live with them, can't kill them. And my brother has done so much for my dad, I'm truly grateful to him for so much. Just have to let it go.

So, I'm behind on school work...between a crazy schedule and then being nervous about the Lasik, I put off my assignment that was due Thursday. Today is the latest I can turn it in and yet I just can't get the focus I need. Arrrgggggg.

Yesterday was an interesting day. We went to a craft fair at Columbine High. Yes, that Columbine High. The booths were spread throughout the school, including in the cafeteria, which was the library before the shooting. It was very surreal. Kelly's boyfriend just moved to Colorado in January and now wants to watch Bowling for Columbine to understand more about what happened. His daughter is likely moving out here at the end of this school year and based on where they are hoping the find a place to live, she would end up going to Columbine once she reaches high school.

Timelies.

Like other folks, I'm trying to figure out how to get on top of my (school)work, which I already procrastinated on because it's so challenging and makes me feel so stupid, when I feel like I'm shirking if I'm not spending most of my time reading and strategizing how to resist, how to strengthen my reserves, etc. And it especially sucks because getting this eventual degree feels like the only thing that will ever allow me to get on my feet again. Due to being the scapegoat of my dysfunctional family (who think I've been faking my disability for 22 years among other things), I have a very weak network for material and/or emotional support. I have to increase my self-sufficiency skills.

How are others handling the balance between planning for the future, while wanting to take care of business and resist at the same time?

I'm just doing my thing, and taking opportunities as they come, I guess. I'm about to go pack Thanksgiving dinners for some worthy group.

Over 30 years of waking up and putting on my glasses before I even get out of bed is a hard habit to break. My vision is great, my eye isn't scratchy feeling anymore.

That's so cool!

Timelies all!

We took Mr. S for his first haircut today. Of course, Gary's mom, dad and step-mom had to come along. We had gelato afterwards. (Well, Mr. S did, and Gary's dad and step-mom did. Gary and I and his mom had mango sorbetto.)

How are others handling the balance between planning for the future, while wanting to take care of business and resist at the same time?

I'm still sorting it out. I'm glad I had Veteran's Day off, to give me three days of not having to go to work and function semi-normally. The current day job is a fiddly, process-oriented thing (my payroll title=compliance analyst), so sometimes I can lose myself in whatever problem I'm solving like it's a puzzle I'm piecing together, but at other times I'm like, "Why are we carrying on like everything is normal?" I almost broke down and cried Wednesday during a team discussion about how to deal with a particularly challenging issue because I just couldn't deal with that petty complexity when it felt like the world was ending.

For the rest, I went to church today for the first time since Easter. (My church is very progressive, and my reasons for not going had nothing to do with any change in my always doubting faith or disliking my congregation and everything to do with a round of depression that's made me want to seek as much solitude as I can with an intensity that goes far beyond everyday introversion.) It felt like a positive step, since the sermon was basically, "A lot of us are scared and shocked right now. How do we live in these times? We believe that A) the church is God's hand, feet, and voice in the world, and B) God is on the side of love without limits, fighting for justice for the oppressed, caring for those in need without conditions or strings attached..." And while getting more connected with my church isn't all I'm going to do, it DOES provide me with a built-in network of people who are already fighting the fight I'm here to gladly join.

(Hamilton references. I'm getting through this with Hamilton references.)

Right now I'm trying to decide whether to keep up my commitment to NaNoWriMo, or to modify it a bit--do a HalfMoWriMo where success is getting to 25,000 words, or make my deadline for getting to 50K 12/31 instead of 11/30. I've written a bit since 11/8, and even managed 3000 words on Friday. But yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to do it, and I'm not feeling much better about the idea today. I've been spending a lot of time playing various word games on my tablet, and Dylan and I have been making use of his giant tabletop game collection--things that keep my brain busy without requiring the kind of long-term planning and hope for the future that, say, a novel you're seeing as the first in at least a trilogy does.

On the one hand, I feel like it's all right to give myself space to mourn. Dylan has been saying that his reaction to the election actually reminds him of his father's sudden, unexpected, and premature death (aneurysm at 47, while D was a college senior), and that it's normal and appropriate to feel frozen and dismayed. OTOH, before NaNoWriMo started I hadn't written original fiction in two years, so this was supposed to be my big reboot to my writing career, and on some level following through with it would feel like an act of strength and defiance.

Thank you, Susan. I like hearing how others are balancing things.

My car was my mom's then she upgraded and gave it to me. Then I was going to sell it to force myself to exercise more so my parents took it again. Then after 2 years of living in LA without one, they gave it back to me when I won a small merit scholarship at school. When I got it back, it had a license plate liner for the local high school team. I kept meaning to take it off but I was lazy. My parents live in an affluent suburb and while not everyone who lives here is affluent (me included), people will always make assumptions. In the current environment, with road rage even more of a risk that it already is in LA, I had my dad remove it for me. I hate to feel that paranoid but I don't want identifying markers other than the legal ones. I don't want to give people excuses to pre-judge me.

sj, I can understand why you would feel guilty. What a strange world we live in, where joy and sorrow, rage and triumph all exist side by side, jumbling together tumbled about in our hearts.

I say we celebrate. We celebrate every joyful moment that we can bear to. We celebrate each other. We celebrate victories miniscule and galactic. We celebrate our own worth and we celebrate the worth of every member of the human race. We celebrate the effort that somehow came to naught, and we celebrate the moments when everything simply comes together in a constellation of perfection and there is victory. We celebrate, because to give in to despair will leave us no strength to fight. We celebrate in grey dresses and monotone voices. We celebrate in jeweltones and arias. We will celebrate because this might be the Apocalypse and we have learned from Buffy that when we've done fighting this one, there will be another. We will celebrate because this might Ragnaroc or it might be Armageddon but we will not go down without a fight. We will celebrate because joy only lives intermingled with grief. We will celebrate because every breath is a giant "Fuck you!" to the mundanity of evil.

ETA I say that as someone who has spent a portion of the last week attempting to learn biofeedback without equipment on the grounds that I hate the feel of my heart beating in my chest and I want to make it stop and in this world I wonder that it bothers. Ironically, I think the enforced relaxation has done me good.

I found out this morning that my brother voted for Gary Johnson. I wanted to scream at him, but knew it wouldn't do any good. He's solidly convinced he can do no wrong, even if you explain things precisely. He's solidly convinced the country is going to hell anyway so it doesn't matter who's in charge.

Hey, we have the same brother! And I know Colorado went to Clinton, so he can try and say his vote doesn't matter, but his attitude damn well does, and I just have to ignore his politics right now, because I need him as my sounding board as I'm going through therapy.

But I still want to punch him in the head.

SuziQ, sorry about the focus issues. I need to start work on my next Stanford class, so I have to find some focus today, myself. Also, glad your eyes are doing well!