Yeah. Numb, ashamed, shocked, despairing. The future looks pretty bleak right now. I know part of that is the huge disappointment I'm feeling, and that part, at least, will fade into the background after a while. But I'm struggling right now.
I'm also just feeling, well, foolish. I knew Trump had supporters, of course, and I know that the number of Republicans I interact with in any meaningful way is quite small, but they were all as repulsed by him as I am! How did this happen when (what seemed like a huge chunk of) his own base can't stand him?
College-educated white women, really??? Ugh. Shame, shame, shame.
I know assigning blame won't help me feel any better, but I can't seem to stop doing it anyway.
But Nilly's words are a comfort. I'm trying to keep them in mind. I'm trying to believe them. I'm trying. And sending money where it's needed is good too. OK. I can do that.
I don't have the strength to think about going forward right now. Too numb. Trying to do my job. I canceled Thanksgiving. I told my family that between losing mom and the election I just couldn't pretend to be welcoming.
My friend that I unfriended on FB last night texted me this morning because she was headed to her mother's because she wasn't getting an answer. She found her with a broken hip, rib, and wrist. She has had many breaks the last few years. So I have been texting support all morning and she probably doesn't even know she is off my FB feed. If she asks I will tell her why, but she will know and won't ask. It will never be the same, but I can't turn my back when her mom is hurt either.
Fucking goddamnit, I have a one-on-one with my boss in 15 minutes. I really have less than zero interest in this right now.
Self Care: I just bought Hamilton tickets.
I'm not OK. Too many loved ones and friends who were already marginalized just got pushed right off of the ledge.
My immediate family were the only ones against him. The rest of the cousins, and my uncle, were loud and proud supporters.
I'm sickened by the gloating. And worried about how we move forward.
I can't even. I'm sorry, my friends.
I went back to bed. That's going to have to be good enough for now.
I'm up. I've showered and gotten dressed. I guess I need to go to the office, working in the city today. And do what when I get there? I don't fucking know.
Self Care: I just bought Hamilton tickets.
Nice.
My self care today - kinda lacking. I haven't showered or put on a bra. I'm working in my PJs. I have a ton of work to get done since I'm taking Friday off so they can SHOOT A LASER AT MY EYEBALL. I am doing a kind of fast for the next two days (it isn't a true fast, but it is a very limited intake beyond water thing) so I won't stress eat the rest of the cake that is in the fridge. If the rest of the family doesn't finish it tonight, I'm chucking it.
I want to travel and hang out with a Buffista or two (or five hundred). Not sure I can swing that before the end of the year - but next year Buffista travel will be one of my goals.
I'm just working and trying not to think.
