"We know Major Tom's a junkie." It looks like 7 out of 9 pot initiatives passed last night. Apparently Americans want Donald Trump and legal weed. I don't want to think about what that says about us as a country. Or at least, I'd like a joint before I have to consider it.

I just sent some $ to Planned Parenthood

I just said to my boss, no offense but I wish I were raising money for Planned Parenthood today!

I do not know that I'll be able to keep my cool at work tonight if any guest starts gloating. I really don't.

I got out of bed. Wasn't sure if that was going to happen for a while. I suppose I will get dressed and have breakfast and go to work. I don't even know how to respond to the casual "Hey how's it going?" that doesn't expect an actual answer. Not well, my friends, not well for anyone.

I've got things set up to work. I've moved the computer to the upstairs office, instead of the couch. I'm sitting here. And I'm sitting here.

I am having a though that I know is irrationalso I will only say it once. But I have to get it out.

I have found, in life, that people often accuse other people of/talk against loudly things that are in fact, things that they do.

So, my mother always thought people were hiding things from her (literal and figuratively), but she hid a lot of things and was very secretive.

My downstairs neighbors won't sign for my packages because they are afraid that I will accuse them of stealing-- but I have caught them stealing my packages!

People (obviously not all) who speak out loudly and with disgust about "the gays" or people having affairs are sometimes caught in sex scandals.

I kept thinking about this when Donald Trump was accusing Hillary of being a liar and a criminal when he is in fact a liar and a criminal.

He was also accusing her of rigging elections-- how do we know he did not do that?

Again- I know I am a crazy conspiracy theorist nutjob.

Thank you, Kat. And Steph, for Nilly's words. It's going to be something we all need to remember.

I'm numb. And really ashamed. And trying to focus on how to change this, the next time, and what I can do to help.

I just sent some $ to Planned Parenthood and will be sending some to the National Democratic Redistricting Committee

That's a great idea. I can't do much today but I have ability to give money to folks who can get real shit done.

Yeah. Numb, ashamed, shocked, despairing. The future looks pretty bleak right now. I know part of that is the huge disappointment I'm feeling, and that part, at least, will fade into the background after a while. But I'm struggling right now.

I'm also just feeling, well, foolish. I knew Trump had supporters, of course, and I know that the number of Republicans I interact with in any meaningful way is quite small, but they were all as repulsed by him as I am! How did this happen when (what seemed like a huge chunk of) his own base can't stand him?

College-educated white women, really??? Ugh. Shame, shame, shame.

I know assigning blame won't help me feel any better, but I can't seem to stop doing it anyway.

But Nilly's words are a comfort. I'm trying to keep them in mind. I'm trying to believe them. I'm trying. And sending money where it's needed is good too. OK. I can do that.

I don't have the strength to think about going forward right now. Too numb. Trying to do my job. I canceled Thanksgiving. I told my family that between losing mom and the election I just couldn't pretend to be welcoming.

My friend that I unfriended on FB last night texted me this morning because she was headed to her mother's because she wasn't getting an answer. She found her with a broken hip, rib, and wrist. She has had many breaks the last few years. So I have been texting support all morning and she probably doesn't even know she is off my FB feed. If she asks I will tell her why, but she will know and won't ask. It will never be the same, but I can't turn my back when her mom is hurt either.