Oh my sweet Buffistas.

I have been up all night, mostly because I'm on deadline but also because I couldn't sleep anyway. I'm rarely in Natter, but I can't bear to look at other social media so I just wanted to check in here to give the Buffistas a big hug and note that I am absolutely heartsick and devastated.

So, um, hi, Natterers! Too bad I missed the Delurking thread cut-off.

And now I have to turn my eyes to my other task of the day, a rapid-fire update of the American Government book I was lead editor on most of last year. I prepped the chapters for the content lead this past week and I had been so looking forward to the task of editing his updates. Now the idea turns my stomach.

I'm just so appalled right now. And scared for this country. And ashamed. And utterly stunned. I don't quite know how to process this.

In any case, much love to you all.

Since I'm at work, not listening any longer, but this is the station playlist:

They have the wrong Bowie. Should be I'm afraid of Americans. Just possibly Ashes to ashes.

The only bright spot I'm seeing is Sheriff Joe Alapio in AZ finally got his racist ass booted out of office.

Feingold lost, despite all the poling suggesting he was a lock to recover his seat.

I don't fucking know anymore.

My friend who is a liberal in a very Red part of Indiana just announced on FB that she called her kids in sick to school and is taking them to see Doctor Strange to give them small amount of joy today and to avoid them having to deal with gloating classmates.

"We know Major Tom's a junkie." It looks like 7 out of 9 pot initiatives passed last night. Apparently Americans want Donald Trump and legal weed. I don't want to think about what that says about us as a country. Or at least, I'd like a joint before I have to consider it.

I just sent some $ to Planned Parenthood

I just said to my boss, no offense but I wish I were raising money for Planned Parenthood today!

I do not know that I'll be able to keep my cool at work tonight if any guest starts gloating. I really don't.

I got out of bed. Wasn't sure if that was going to happen for a while. I suppose I will get dressed and have breakfast and go to work. I don't even know how to respond to the casual "Hey how's it going?" that doesn't expect an actual answer. Not well, my friends, not well for anyone.

I've got things set up to work. I've moved the computer to the upstairs office, instead of the couch. I'm sitting here. And I'm sitting here.

I am having a though that I know is irrationalso I will only say it once. But I have to get it out.

I have found, in life, that people often accuse other people of/talk against loudly things that are in fact, things that they do.

So, my mother always thought people were hiding things from her (literal and figuratively), but she hid a lot of things and was very secretive.

My downstairs neighbors won't sign for my packages because they are afraid that I will accuse them of stealing-- but I have caught them stealing my packages!

People (obviously not all) who speak out loudly and with disgust about "the gays" or people having affairs are sometimes caught in sex scandals.

I kept thinking about this when Donald Trump was accusing Hillary of being a liar and a criminal when he is in fact a liar and a criminal.

He was also accusing her of rigging elections-- how do we know he did not do that?

Again- I know I am a crazy conspiracy theorist nutjob.

Thank you, Kat. And Steph, for Nilly's words. It's going to be something we all need to remember.

I'm numb. And really ashamed. And trying to focus on how to change this, the next time, and what I can do to help.