Gud, you are clearly constantly busy, so busy that you don't have time for yourself. I do not understand why you accept your wife's statements this way: she is wrong.

I do not understand why you accept your wife's statements this way: she is wrong.

Yeah this. Your wife is the problem, Gud. Not you. She's a problematic person.

Gud, I hate seeing how your wife treats you. That is not okay, and you deserve much better. You children shouldn't have to see their mother emotionally abusing their father. Your wife's behavior hurts your kids as much as it hurts you.

Gud, there's a lot of good advice given already. I'd like to add -- see a counselor. Someone who can give you perspective and help you form a longer-term plan.

Gud, I suggest you make a poster for each member of the family and hang them on the wall. Underneath each person's name, write all the tasks they do. That way you can all actually see who does what. Maybe your son can cook once every couple of weeks, maybe your daughter adds vacuuming on Saturday before dinner to her list. Maybe your wife will see what you do and realize her expectations are off.

I also wonder if that kind of thing might be helpful in starting a conversation about priorities. I'm not at all assuming this is true in your family, but I could imagine one partner caring more about neat and the other one caring more about clean, and if they don't talk about that explicitly, the one who is spending time "cleaning the house" isn't doing the stuff that the other person actually cares about and/or notices. To me that would be a sign that each person should do the bit they care about, but again, a conversation and agreement on priorities and wishes seems like a good starting place.

Gud, you deserve supportive love. Steph is absolutely right about the damage to your children in this. You deserve to be told every single day that you are awesome and appreciated and loved. Please don't settle for less. I know lazy people, it is incomprehensible for you to be described this way. Don't accept it! It is abusive and untrue.

In related news, I don't care that much about neat or clean, and I live alone, so. As a result, I'm pretty excited that friends are coming to stay with me in a couple of weeks, so I'll really need to get the house spic and span.

Thanks for the support. Sometimes I feel like things are unfair, but I'm not sure because maybe I'm just being selfish. I'm not sure what is reasonable and what isn't. My wife isn't a bad person by any means, she's very caring, really, so I have a hard time not thinking the problem is me. I mean, in many ways the problem is definitely me, I'm a very flawed person... I don't know.

I do take care of bill-paying, taxes, fixing the car (her car is under warranty so I don't have to fix it :) ), 99% of the cooking, 50% of the dishes (the rest split between her and the kids), about 60% of the laundry (the rest split), 80% of the mowing (the kids get the rest), 80% of the vacuuming, most of the kitchen cleaning, most of the decluttering, pretty much all of the garage cleaning, all of the taking-out-the-garbage, most of the garbage collecting, I'm not sure about the bathroom cleaning (I didn't used to do much, but lately I've been doing it because it was getting bad), let's face it, nobody dusts (well I do a little), I've totally dropped the ball on mopping though my wife does do that occasionally or maybe it was my daughter last time, naturally I do anything computer related along with plumbing fixes and household repairs.

She does all the interactions with the school (aside from forms requiring financial information which I deal with), and does all of the driving kids around, and all of the kids' appointments. My daughter is learning to drive and my wife is kinda sore that she's giving lessons and I haven't done any yet, but in my defense I haven't had any time yet either and it's only been a week. I don't think she really understands how hard it is to add a new task to my schedule in a short period of time.

Right now, things are especially tough because she's working on starting her business and I've been taking care of getting her website up and running and update, making and re-making brochures, setting up software, and writing some software for something she wants to offer. Oh and lately, recording and editing video. I'm also trying to work on my audiobook, but I keeping running out of time to make progress.

Well, I will help out some with driving kids around in the fall, but right now I'm literally in another town when the need comes up so I can't physically do it. I'm also at work during most of the appointments while hasn't been (and isn't right now), but maybe I could have taken care of more somehow.

I do take care of bill-paying, taxes, fixing the car (her car is under warranty so I don't have to fix it :) ), 99% of the cooking, 50% of the dishes (the rest split between her and the kids), about 60% of the laundry (the rest split), 80% of the mowing (the kids get the rest), 80% of the vacuuming, most of the kitchen cleaning, most of the decluttering, pretty much all of the garage cleaning, all of the taking-out-the-garbage, most of the garbage collecting, I'm not sure about the bathroom cleaning (I didn't used to do much, but lately I've been doing it because it was getting bad), let's face it, nobody dusts (well I do a little), I've totally dropped the ball on mopping though my wife does do that occasionally or maybe it was my daughter last time, naturally I do anything computer related along with plumbing fixes and household repairs.

There is nothing -- NOTHING -- about that list that qualifies as "lazy."

I know you say that your wife is a caring person, but the way she treats you is not what "caring" looks like. I know you want to see the best in her, but even if she is caring towards other people, she is deeply, deeply unkind to you.

I mean, in many ways the problem is definitely me, I'm a very flawed person

Gud, we are ALL flawed people. Including your wife. The problem is NOT you. I wish so hard that you could see and accept that.