Thanks. It's been on the horizon a long time, but it still sucks when the inevitable moves from a nebulous place in the future to days away. And I never got one of his amazing pottery bowls made for me (he was a potter, among other things, like world-sought biochemist, before the dementia.) It was something he did for us kids' big milestones like weddings and births, but I didn't do the usual. He promised me one once, but then stuff happened. I may ask my mom for one she has, they have a lot of his stuff. I do have a paper box from his papermaking days.

I'm sorry, sarameg.

But hey, I gave the old full bedframe away to a random neighbor who needed one, so at least someone's day got better & I got it out of the house.

they don't want you to think they have some kind of compulsion about this.

I love Billy's brain.

And transitions suck.

There's a show on PBS this Sunday, a Dickens mash-up called Dickensian. Has anyone else heard anything about it? It looks like it could be hysterical. Part of it is the investigation of the murder of Jacob Marley, and I'm not very familiar with the other Dickens stories. I play D&D on Sundays, so I hope I can find it online.

I'm so sorry, sarameg.

Praying mantises are not team players. Not real sociable. Maybe that's why I like them... We had a lot of mantises around here one summer, but lately not so many. I think when the feral cat colony dissipated, the birds came back, and they ate the baby mantises.

My anxiety around travel is always about all the stuff that has to be done in preparation for travel, right up until I sit down at the departure gate. For this trip, I have special anxiety, because I realized that long trips, no matter how fun, exhaust me and after I come home I fall into a depression that can last months. I'm going to try to take better care of myself this time, but obviously I don't want that to happen again.

I'm sorry, sarameg.

I think I just had a little breakthrough about where all that irrational free floating anxiety comes from (short answer: family, of course) but now that I know wtf do I do about it?

Further bulletins as events warrant.

I read somewhere that people with trauma try to downplay the trauma, saying it's not as bad as what others have gone through. The way my brain shies away from verbalizing the details of losing my beloved, I think it's time to accept that yes, it was traumatic. Stupid, stiff-necked Puritan ancestry, trying to tough it out through everything.

There's a lot of evidence now that trauma changes your brain chemistry. And when it happens to you young, it can change your brain structure. In the book I read on the history of psychiatry the author said this discovery was one of the three biggest changes in the field during his lifetime. (The other two big fundamental changes were developing anti-depressants and MRIs that showed how the brain actually works.)

In any event, the effects of trauma are physiological: [link]

Sorry, Puritans.

sarameg, sorry about your uncle. How's your mom feeling?

Feeling quiet this morning but wide awake. It was hella windy yesterday but is calm this morning.