Well, I did leave him. I guess I did it for a reason, right?

I remained friends with my first husband until he died. We corresponded via email for the most part but would talk on the phone too. From time to time I would feel bad about leaving him, but he always managed to say or do something with enough frequency that it would remind me why it was the very best thing that I left.

Relationships are not easy. At all. If I could name one key I would have to say equality. If one person has a much stronger personality or if one is dependent I think it can't or shouldn't work out for the long term. When both parties are confident and independent, and probably when both are dependent, the balance makes it work better.

My beloved had a very strong personality, but he was also dependent on me. I honestly don't think he could have coped with daily living without me. I think I kept him focused. I'm sure he had a myriad undiagnosed cognitive issues. I often contemplated leaving him, but life without him always seemed so much bleaker than life with him, however challenging it got.

It seems like my relationship is starting to go down in flames. If that happens, I think I'm done. I don't think I'm good enough to be in a relationship.

Gud, I don't know you very well, but if even half of the stuff you say here is true, the problem in this relationship is not you.

Relationships are not easy.

I hear people say "Marriage is harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!" and they make it sound like they're being put through a march through Death Valley -- and I don't get that.

The best analogy I can come up with is that -- this is my experience only; obviously I can't speak for any other person in any kind of a relationship -- marriage involves work for sure, but it's *satisfying* work, like putting a lot of work into a hobby you love. (I'm thinking of how much work it is to make cosplay costumes, or to have a garden that produces a good bounty, or mastering a piece of music, or or or.) No question that it's work. And it could be described as "hard," but not in the march-through-Death-Valley sense. It's satisfying work, and work worth doing.

Gud, I don't know you very well, but if even half of the stuff you say here is true, the problem in this relationship is not you.

Seriously, Gud. This.

And now I feel like a jackass for my "marriage is enjoyable work!" manifesto posted right after you saying your relationship is rocky, because I know it's the opposite of enjoyable for you. I'm so sorry to hear that.

I hear people say "Marriage is harrrrrrrrrrrrrrd!" and they make it sound like they're being put through a march through Death Valley -- and I don't get that.

Brain surgery and Olympic-level gymnastics are hard, too, but people get a lot of satisfaction out of them, anyway. Getting married seemed more like simply putting a label on an irrevocable situation, nothing really changed except legalities. I'm so sorry for the people who work so hard and don't get the return I did.

Gud, I don't know you very well, but if even half of the stuff you say here is true, the problem in this relationship is not you.

What Vortex (and Tep) said.

I don't think I'm good enough to be in a relationship.

This? Is patently false. There is no test to determine worthiness for a relationship. Relationships are not reserved for the elites who have their shit together (hint: they don't exist). Relationships are all about being with someone who adores your flavor of wacky. It's not about measuring up to another person's idea of what a partner should be.

What those wise ladies said, Gud. And I'm sure your therapist would say the same, if he or she is worth their salt. Everyone is worthy of love, everyone.

If even the vulgar talking yam has people who love him, how can you possibly believe that you are unworthy?

Gud, I don't know you very well, but if even half of the stuff you say here is true, the problem in this relationship is not you.

That one.

The best analogy I can come up with is that -- this is my experience only; obviously I can't speak for any other person in any kind of a relationship -- marriage involves work for sure, but it's *satisfying* work, like putting a lot of work into a hobby you love. (I'm thinking of how much work it is to make cosplay costumes, or to have a garden that produces a good bounty, or mastering a piece of music, or or or.) No question that it's work. And it could be described as "hard," but not in the march-through-Death-Valley sense. It's satisfying work, and work worth doing.

Ah, that's such a good analogy. I feel like I've only ever heard "Ugh, it's such hard work" or "It not work, it's a joy!"