I don't remember how to cite-quote someone else's line or post, either, and I'm too sick to worry about it right now.

But - putting this as carefully as I'm capable of doing - I'm just the opposite of Bev. I wish this place had continued to feel comfortable or safe for me, but it didn't. I still value everyone, but the older I get, the more of a gamma I seem to be and the less comfortable as part of a functional tribe. I'm the perennial outsider, taking notes and writing books or song lyrics about things or people when I've wandered away. Which sounds coldblooded, but isn't honestly.

So I'm probably only back for now, and if anything is needed or wanted from me for ita, by anyone at all, ever, because she was ita and I loved her beyond language and I really want her to come back so I can cook her jerk chicken (NOT GOAT, damn it). Mostly, though, I'll be where I have been for a few years, which is on my own wall over at Facebook.

I just Buff Dived and this is the first thing that popped up

ita: I'm still stuck on the "checkered past". I see him dressed in gingham now.

shrift, may I have a pony?

What kind of pony do you want? Piebald? Miniature? Shetland? Friendship Is Magic? Pony Express? Misha Collins covered in pony blood?

I'm partial to Connemaras and Appaloosas, in fact. Alas, I don't have the space for a Real Live Pony.

Please don't code me up anyone covered in pony blood. I'm sure you could, you don't have to prove it.

I have been thinking about how happy I was that ita came to our wedding reception. She had been dealing with the migraines for some time at that point, and I didn't know if she would come--or if she would even want to since we'd spent so little time together outside of the board. But she did, and she gave me a big hug and said she was so glad to be there. And then almost five years went by, and despite spending nearly every day "seeing" her here, I didn't see her in person until shortly after Thanksgiving when she put a call for Thanksgiving leftovers. Drew and I brought her a plate and chatted win her briefly, but it was clear she was in a lot of pain, so we didn't stay long and make her talk. But I'm so glad we did that. I'm so glad I got to see her again, even if briefly, to do something nice for her--this person who did so much for me by architecting this board.

I hear many people saying how she was a bit intimidating, and I felt that way too--until I met her in person. And then she was just so kind and funny and welcoming that I wondered why I'd thought that. I'm sad I didn't know her better. I miss her.

I had forgotten about the bagel debates

"Montréal is where the real bagels run wild. Alla y'all are eating the domesticated stuff. "

"the two parts of the Jamaican accent/patois that drive me completely apeshit are being called "him" by people who KNOW I'm a her infuriates me (even more than being called "him" by those who can't tell, even though I'm standing right in front of them) and the pronunciation of mattress as mat-RASS. Jump up and down yell at my dear father "Stop that! You're embarassing me!" mad. "

Y'all don't count as internet friends anymore anyway, because I've met ...almost all of you! at some point. Been to a lot of your houses. Had you to mine. No one would say my friendship with people I met in DC is an "internet friendship" and therefore less valuable. But I see less of them than I see some of the LAistas in PERSON, forget about online!

"I get asked if I'm Korean a fair amount. By fair amount, I mean n>0. Last person who did it was Japanese.

There's something I'm missing in these deductions. "

ita was the thrumming engine of this board. Her wit and prodding questions and thread-nannying and outrageous links and wide-ranging enthusiasm always kept us moving forward.

I am going to do my best to bring continued life to this place in her honor. Although I know I can never come close to the gifts she brought.