Another lurker returns. I am amazed that it was 2012 when I was last reading here, if my unread posts are to be believed. Don't know how involved I was at that point, really, because someone hasn't yet invented a Time Turner to help us consume All The Things on the internet. (Also they kept giving me more things to do at work, which meant less internet-at-work time. They gave me more money too, so fair trade I guess.)
(As I was clicking around, bringing a few threads up to date with judicious skipping, I was thinking about how great it would be if B.org had an app for easy browsing. "Oh, I bet ita could... wait. Damn it.")
I saw posts on Tumblr from Jilli and Plei last night about ita's passing, and at first I felt the abstract kind of shock and grief like we feel when a beloved celebrity dies. I don't know many people here very well; I've been to one F2F and one meetup in the PNW. To me, most of you are the equivalent of BNFs, screen names with witty posts whose conversation I've enjoyed all these years, but who I really only know through what you've shared in this space. ita to me seemed like a rock star, and though I probably only exchanged a few comments with her in the SPN thread, I felt as if I could have written an essay about the kind of person she was because of the richness of the self she shared with us. Whoever said that she is woven through the whole of B.org was totally correct.
(All-about-me sidebar for context: we lost my sister on Dec. 12 after a three week stay in intensive care. She had been dealing with autoimmune issues and chronic pain for years, and though they had been tracking her medications and doing regular blood testing, she had a sudden onset of liver and kidney problems. Despite being at Cleveland Clinic with the best medical professionals I've ever met, in the end she just... ran out of fight, I think. She was only 44, and left behind two sons, 11 and 13, and to be perfectly frank it is a fucking goddamned tragedy.)
When I got here to check in and give condolences, I found page after page of disbelief and anger and happy loving recollections. It is so obvious that she touched so many lives here, and had so many wonderful friends who treasured her presence. I've been carrying around this little black ball of grief for the last month, trying to make sense, to understand, to figure out how I'm supposed to go on after this big, awful thing came and changed the whole world. I am aching so much for those of you who were close to her, who considered her a friend, because now you all have a little black ball of grief that you have to learn how to carry around. We shouldn't have to carry them at all.
Sorry, I didn't mean to write that much, it just kinda came out. My condolences to all of you. Gonna go to bed and cry it out a little. Some more. Again. Gonna try to stick around for a while too, though probably a lot of lurking. Good to see all your pixels again.