Oh wow, clicking into old threads and seeing her posts...I was not expecting that to be such a gut-punch. I've been more or less ok seeing all the COMMs and Buff-dives reposted here, but seeing her name in blue at the top of a real post makes this all very much too real.

Allyson, no one is ever qualified to be doing the kind of work you and Kristen and Paula and Burrell, and everyone else, are doing. You do what needs to be done to the best of your abilities and you go from there.

I hate to keep bringing up my experiences, but the people who did for me what you are doing for ita's family were godsends. Even though I have drifted away from some of them, I am ridiculously grateful for the service they provided to Rob, and to me.

I love reading all of the ways ita touched our lives. The silly little interactions, and the grander gestures. Remember when her beloved Jetta died and she needed to buy a new car? We managed to find her the perfect one. I just went through the emails we exchanged and I couldn't help but smile. She demanded exactly what she wanted but she deferred to those who had the specific knowledge to keep her from buying a lemon. And we snarked, over so many things. Men in the auto industry, sleazy dealers, and I think there was even a Winchester reference made. Now I'm sniffling again. Bah.

Allyson, what everyone said. The one thing that matters at all is that the people who are there for ita's family are those who loved her. That is why they are thanking you. They are thanking you for the love.

Allyson, when I lost my beloved Liz on Pan Am 103, I felt spectacularly unqualified to be the one to go to Lockerbie. But, the family needed me to.

One foot in front of the other. One task at a time. One thought after the next. All with an eye to making sure to take care of yourself.

All the stuff everyone else says. They say it because it is true.

You are qualified because you exist, and because ita trusted you.

That is all there is to it.

Allyson, hugs. You're doing what you can and that is amazing.

And I would be happy to help contribute to a book or family travel or whatever. I met her sister years ago, and she was pretty darn fabulous. Can't even imagine her parents. ;)

That "have a wake" exchange is amazing and sad and happy all together.

Further down that same COMM page was this (bt gets the zinger, but it's so very ita):

On Laser Tag

NoiseDesign: Any chance we'll be able to tempt you to come out and play?

ita: I've only played it once. It was good fun. Not healthy fun for me, since I got scary competitive, but that's something I hope I've worked on since then. Jury's still out.

billytea: Wow. Just how competitive did you get?

I wanted to wear something in her honour ("u" for ita) and after rejecting several things that weren't quite right, I thought of my Clinique Black Honey lipstick. Amazing lipstick that I wouldn't have found if not for ita telling of its magical property of looking good on everyone.

I am trying to shift my feelings toward being happy that I knew her and appreciating her general awesomeness and these COMMs are helping.

That "have a wake" exchange is amazing and sad and happy all together.

That was wonderful. Thank you again for sharing, Allyson.

Thinking of you all.

And I wanted to make sure that those who loved her dearly saw this, from J. August.

I remember seeing the squealing when he mentioned her on Tim's Facebook. ita gave off such a cool vibe, so knowing about her fondness for J. always tickled me.

Aww, dang.

How was she so wrong about Weetabix? I just had a small meltdown about not having told her that a week or two ago.