I'm sorry to ask but I have to because I have no spoons. I'm living on borrowed spoons. I will never be out of spoon debt.

I need someone to spearhead a difficult project. I would like to have a book made for ita's family. I think they're not truly aware of how deeply ita affected so many people.

I need someone to collect photographs of ita, and people's favorite memories of her. I can do the layout and have it printed and bound into a book for them, but I can't do the collecting.

It would involve reaching out to the Krav folks, and io9 folks, and whomever I have forgotten.

Could someone(s) do this? I can't. I really wish I could. I'm so sorry. I'm just not that far out of the clear from the ECT treatments and hospital and I'm having a difficult time dealing in general, and this has pushed me to a point I can't do this myself in an organized fashion.

I'm really sorry to ask. I want this done for her mother, father, and sister, but I'm spoon less. I'm sorry to be dramatic. I'm tired.

Oh, for fuck's sake, don't listen to Steph! DON'T IGNORE IT!

BUT! Run outside and yell "Boo!" or sound an airhorn or something. If it passes out BY NO MEANS TELL EMPRESS AIMS! She'll want to keep it and I do not want that.

If it doesn't pass out, kill it and eat it.

Or whatever you think best.

(Kill it and eat it.)

I keep trying to frame this in some way that I can put into words, but it don't work that way this time. Like her, this refuses to fit neatly into some preconceived notion of what it should be.

Allyson, that's a fantastic idea. Do not be sorry that you don't have the spoons to see it done.

I don't have the wherewithal. But Aims has some pictures she dug up to contribute, should anyone with more verve, vim and competence than I have choose to do it.

Allyson...you've done your bit for king and country. Take a break, grieve and weep.

Allyson you are not being dramatic. You are practicing self care, which is really important.

On Facebook Brenda mentioned wanting to do something similiar. She might be able to spearhead it.

I can help with this project.

Allyson, that is a wonderful idea. Were you thinking of one copy of the book for her family, or several?

That's a wonderful idea, Allyson. It's not something I can take on, but I will help if there is some part of it that I can do.

I took my goat chops out of the freezer earlier. I may try to make curry once they thaw.

I can do it, Allyson.

Allyson, beloved, what Miracleman said.

I don't know that I'm remotely appropriate to do it, but let me know what's needed and I'm on it if you need me to be on it.

Too many memories of ita to share tonight. And almost all my photos are on the hard drive at home. But there are several, and when get back to the Bay Area on Thursday, I'll share.

I followed through on a standing plan to see the Hobbit movie this evening and framed it that I was doing it to honor ita's love of that world.

I could not stop crying. I hated it with a venom that I'm sure it did not deserve.

Now, I'm so flat I just can't. Nothing but be here and read. And tear up.

Jeez, I just stood and stared a the last sentence trying to think of something else to say.

There just isn't anything to say.