And yet, every time she threatened to break my thumbs, it just felt like a warm hug, you know?

If she never threatened you with bodily harm, she couldn't be bothered with you. And you totally wanted her to bother with you.

How does this happen? that's all my brain can come up with.

there is a moon-sized hole in the world now.

ita was the scary, cool kid you wanted to be friends with but were afraid of embarassing yourself in front of.

I can't even....how?

Exactly, "Aimee!" But her superpower was that she had the capacity to bother with everyone, individually.

Yup.

It occurred to me a few hours ago that ita is the one who made me The Empress.

And if nothing else, once I get good enough, I'll be able to defend myself if I'm ever attacked by slow motion ninjas

It's what ita would have wanted, just slower.

I disagreed with her a lot over the years. Less than we agreed but substantial. And it just sharpened my debate and general conversation skills. It wasn't ever personal and I enjoyed that. We could spar and it wasn't personal. I learned to not just feel or be right, I could cite and back it up.

Gar, ita encouraged me to go back to Tai Chi because she knew I liked it, I think she would be pleased you are doing it.

A long time ago Nilly said something about the giddy joy of belonging and acceptance that came with ita telling you how very wrong you were about something. I'm glad I have enjoyed that on occasion.

I was so scared of ita when I was first posting here. One night I had a dream about her, and I woke up feeling sure she knew, in a "Who said you can dream about me?" way.

Then SPN happened. I have the Winchesters to thank for a lot of years of friendship with her.

From the depths of my inbox: [link]

I haven't been here in years either (I was somewhat surprised still to be able to login), and haven't seen ita in person since Wolfram & Hart - which was something more than 10 years ago.

I found some pictures from my Michigan trip while she lived there - shrift, you were away, and it was while the Miracles were still in LA - but I've got me & Theresa M. & bonbon - and ita in a spik-el-oost shirt and leather pants. I have a few photos physically but I can only find one electronically (maybe I'll put it on facebook). Her and me, before going to the club, looking amateurishly wry (me) and professionally ita (ita).

I don't have the words for what I feel, except to say ita was always slightly more than you could ever put into words (and certainly more than anyone would believe). I regret losing touch. I hate this as an injustice against life itself. I wish I were there to help all of you who will be dealing with the painful heart-stabby details that come after death.

Way back when, ita bought a case of Jones grape soda that was custom-labeled with her picture on the bottle. The picture was a terrific b&w photo of her, very young and very cleavagey, which I think she may have also used occasionally as a profile pic at Worldcrossing. I remember them being kind of famous back in the early days of the group.

Anyway, she was handing out the last few of them at the LA F2F, and I managed to snag the last one she had to give. I actually drank the soda there at the Safari, but I brought the empty bottle back home with me. Ever since, it has stood somewhere on the shelves overlooking my desk, along with other mementos and knickknacks, nearby the statues of the Argonath, Thunderbird 1, and the stuffed Opus that used to attend to F2Fs. Except for the time being it's standing next to my keyboard.